To shout at my child stepping into traffic

[Diggerorbigger]

DH, DS and I were setting off home after a walk concluded by a brief trip to the local pub. As we left the pub DS asked DH if he could ride on his shoulders. DH said yes and ushered him in front of him so he could lift him up onto his shoulders. Thing is, at the time we were waiting to cross a busy road (at a crossing), and DS clearly thought he was being ushered to cross the road because he began to step out into the road. I immediately shouted loudly at him to stop (I was of reach of him), and DH grabbed him and pulled him back.

DS is very sensitive to being shouted at and always reacts by lashing out. He shouted back at me and hit me and I explained that I shouted because I was scared and I needed to keep him safe, not because I was angry with him. DH told me crossly that I shouldn’t have shouted at DS to which I replied “if there is ever a time to shout at a child it is to stop them stepping out into traffic.”

DH maintained I shouldn’t have shouted at DS because he “was about to grab him” as if I should have been considering that in the moment.

AIBU to have shouted at DS, and to stand by it? I really don’t think so…

100% the right thing to do!

Why does your son lash out does he have SEN?

👍

Of course you shout its bloody instinctive. DH needs to get a grip and your son needs to learn not to lash out that's just disrespectful

You were right. Ds should have a consequence (age appropriate) for hitting you.

Exactly, what if another child shouts at him? Do they get a whack OP?

I am one of the least shouty people I know. I hated being shouted at as a child and as a parent hardly ever did it.

However I do remember shouting loudly at DD when she was about 8 or 9 and ran in to the road without looking when a car was coming. Fortunately the car was going slowly and managed to stop, but it was such a scary moment that I couldn't help shouting.

I think some occasions warrant the child being shocked if it is a case of keeping them safe and getting a message across.

Your DH is an idiot. Are you meant to be a mind reader to know what he would have done? He should have been backing you up with your DS not having a go at you too

Thanks to everyone for your input.

DS is 4 and a half, no strong signs of SEN as far as we have found.

DH and I had been arguing a bit earlier on in the day, so looking back on it he may have just been being argumentative with me because of that. It’s an unusual situation for us, we don’t argue a lot.

Since people have been picking up on the hitting thing, I’d be grateful for advice on how to deal with it – DS lashes out in various ways whenever he doesn’t get his way (including being told off or what he interprets as being told off). We talk to him about it a lot and try to make him realise it’s not ok but we never seem to get very far.

Go on a parenting class. I’m not saying that in an insulting way. It’s genuine. I had a difficult child (now diagnoses with autism) but it was a struggle with boundaries when he was young. I went on a parenting class for dealing with children’s acting out behaviour and it really did help. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. And you can use the info or not use it, but you’ll have it.

You grab his arms as he is about to hit you, get down on his level and calmly but firmly look in his eyes and say WE DO NOT HIT. My 2 year old sometimes lashes out and this is what we do. I can't believe your child is nearly at school age and you're asking how to tackle this sort of behaviour. I do despair.

Has he started school? Hitting is going to be a massive issue there so hopefully you can work with them to deal with it.

And no, you weren't BU to shout - I remember being really upset when my Headteacher shouted at me after I ran into the road - it was only a short time after the younger brother of a schoolchild had been hit and killed by a car, I was upset but Head must have been terrified.

You can't help yourself shouting in situations of danger! My child is a baby not even a toddler yet but I shouted her name out of instinct the other day because she was about to put a dangerous object in her mouth. And it was the right thing to do because she was distracted enough to drop the object and thankfully not swallow it!

Just a word of warning; whatever intervention you start on will make things worse before they get better. Your kid is going to be challenged on his behaviour fully and consistently for the first time, and he will push back. You and your husband have to be firm, and keep going with it. You don’t give it, you don’t tell each other to “let him off with it this time,” you don’t argue in front of him. The behaviour will be worse when he realised he is being told off but then he will start to listen and it will improve.

(obviously I would never normally shout or ever want to but in a situation of danger your mother lion kicks in and you save your child in whatever way you can!)

why was your partner twatting around lifting the child onto his shoulders so close to a main road?

I think most parents have done this or will end up doing this at least once when having children. Why wouldn't you shout?

The road incident sounds like you and dh were just shocked by your child nearly stepping into traffic and reacted angrily as a result.
A 4 year old shouting at you and hitting you is unacceptable. I imagine he's been doing it a while. You need to teach him hitting is wrong as he may start hitting noisy children in school etc. You also don't want a 10, 12, 15 year old hitting you.

Did your DH tell your DS off for hitting you?

I'm guessing he didn't.

You shouted to warn him of danger. What are you supposed to say? Oh be careful near the cars darling 🙄
why are you allowing him to use you as a punch bag? The second he hits you you should have marched him straight home and no more privileges for the rest of the day.

My son once jumped out of the parked car into oncoming traffic as I opened his door, in my panic I flung my arm across him to push him back and had my car keys in my hand and caught him in the face with them. I felt bad and had to report it to the school because he had a bruise but they just had a stern word with him about road safety and he is extremely cautious now getting out of the car. I'd far rather that outcome over the alternative (although obviously wouldn't want him hurt however accidentally)

And what does DH think you should have done? About to step in front of a car is not the time for gentle parenting. I think DH is being funny with you to deflect from the fact that it was his fault.

Agree with Hinkuy. Plus you don’t talk to him about his behaviour a lot. What’s the point? You try to prevent bad behaviour and distract. Behaviour has consequences. Throw that? I’m taking It away.
Parenting classes may be useful here.

It is every parent's instinct to shout "Stop!" when their kid is about to run into the road. Apart from your smartarse dh it seems. In that split second you were supposed to know that he had it all under control.

Seems to me that your dh is enabling your child's aggression towards you. Instead of telling ds off for hitting you, he told you off instead. So now your ds thinks it is okay to hit you.