Would you trust someone who had previously had a restraining order?

[youngtrees]

It happened 14 years ago. Physically violent to an ex partner - no prison sentence but a restraining order placed on him.

Seems to have turned his life around .

I am not dating this person. Just curious for the responses.

This was my first thought - they don't give restraining orders out easily. Thankfully I've not been in that situation but I do know that it has to be considered serious in order to get one.

I'm sorry you have experienced it.

In my friends case, I think she just thinks it was years ago so it doesn't apply now.

I'll just have to keep a close eye I think.

I was going to say the same. The evidence has to be rock solid before one is issued.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

@youngtrees I expect your friends man is being very charming to her, they all start that way. She needs to be very, very careful and yes, keep a close eye on her.

Absolutely not. My tolerance for shit men is very low now though. There are plenty of men without them and I never think leopards do truly change their spots when it comes to abuse, even if it was linked to drink and drugs. It's always there lurking beneath the surface ready for when you say no or enough.

I'd be very concerned for your friend for several reasons.

His behaviour was violent enough to persuade a court to issue a restraining order.

A restraining order is much more consistent with the information you have received than the story your friend has been told. This suggests he is probably lying.

A history of attempted strangulation is very worrying.

It is a new relationship and she is pregnant.

I would not give this man the benefit of the doubt.

No and I would never expose my kids to that kind of person

No

God no

No, no and no!!!

It's about 10% of men who are not violent to women again after doing it, WITH treatment. It's behaviour that is stable over time. In very rare cases, if someone for example gets treatment for addictions and does the work, it's possible they could have a healthy relationship with another woman. But would you bet your life on any 10% chance? I wouldn't.

He also seems to have a child with any woman he's with, which is classic control.

So no, and I have done my homework on this.

No way.

No.

He broke into hia ex's house and strangled her? Christ on a bike. I'd suggest a Clare's Law request.

No. I was in a relationship with a nice guy who told me he had to hit his ‘crazy ex’ in self defence when she was out of control.
i have no idea what the truth of that situation was but I couldn’t look at him the same afterwards and ended the relationship pretty sharpish.
he said I was over reacting.
another friend recently discovered her boyfriend had a previous restraining order and ended the relationship too

Absolutely not. I worry that some women do not take their own safety seriously enough. I personally don't think there is any man out there who is worth risking your health and possibly life for. There are many decent men out there without a violent past.

No but 100% of could say no but you are not dating them so what could you actually do about it?

How many women are warned by friends and family about the person they are with and how many actually listen?

She needs a Clare's Law disclosure.

I'd encourage her to apply herself but you can do it on her behalf. The police will then contact her to see if she's willing to have one.

I'm sure if there is a restraining order on him that wasn't his first rodeo.

Absolutely never trust him. Might be. 'Fun guy' in the pub. Might be good at his job. But 'trust' nope. If a friend is dating him please encourage a Clare's law.

No.

I can completely understand that someone might have been using alcohol/drugs at the time or had some undiagnosed mental health issues and has now managed to get their life back on track. But I still would never take the risk of having them in my life.

Simply because I had some abusive people in my life and had to break that pattern of trusting the wrong people/letting them take advantage of me so now I have a blanket policy of cutting off anyone at the first sign of a red flag.

Also so many crimes (domestic violence, rape..) against women never make it to court/have ridiculously low conviction rates, so the fact that someone was not convicted of anything does not mean they are not a danger to women and girls.

Thank you for all replies. I do have the same opinion as you all.

My friend got pregnant with him within 3 months - I have no idea if she found out about his past until it was too late. But it worries me that she's just shrugged it off like it was nothing because it happened a long time ago.

Right now they are in this happy bubble as it's all happened so quick but my concern is when the baby arrives and the stress and tiredness kicks in.

My niece applied for non molestation order against her ex boyfriend. He made her life miserable , he grabbed her in the street , spread false rumours to her colleagues , hung around near her house and work constantly and stalked her on sm. The order was refused. She was a shell of a person for 2 years due to this behaviour he exhibited due to hurt feelings over being dumped (boohoo).

So no , I would not want my friend or family near anybody that did enough to actually grant one of these orders.

No. I found out he still has a restraining order. Has kids by multiple women and no fixed abode. Leaps from job to job, regularly swaps phone numbers and social media accounts... they don't change

No.

I think your friend is very very foolish.

He's just managed to get away without prosecution with every other woman in the last 14 years. Mixture of fear/his threatening suicide/you made me do it/you like sex like that, nobody's going to believe you, you're mental/etc, usually.

Right now they are in this happy bubble as it's all happened so quick but my concern is when the baby arrives and the stress and tiredness kicks in

If he karts that long. A lot of DV starts during PG.

I had a restraining order years ago against my ex and father to my children.
He was violent and abusive. I don't have contact with him anymore neither do my kids (their choice) but from what I've heard on the grapevine he never changed and has served prison sentences for violence so no in my experience they don't change.