To think it is DH who shouldn't speak like that!

[Peonii]

DC is 14 months and a bit of a fussy eater. I try and create a calm, happy environment for meal times and do my best not to escalate if she starts getting worked up.

She didn't want to wear her apron today for lunch but DH got it on. She was crying more and more in her high chair. When he got it on her he said "Ha! I win! You lose!". I was bringing her lunch over and overheard so I said something like "oh no, don't make her think we're in different teams, don't say she loses and you win, that's not nice."
DH immediately replied "don't talk to me like that!"

It was quite abrupt.. and when I said like what he repeated not to speak to him like that. I then said "well I would like you to not speak to DC like that. But also, can you let me know how it is I should convey a message like that to you? If it's an important message, how is it best to relay it to you." It might sound strange but my communication style frequently annoys DH. I am not precise enough or always answer things in a round about way and so I do ask him how he would like certain things communicated to him to avoid future conflict.

I feel so grumpy and upset the way he told me not to speak like that. But AIBU to think he should not speak to DC like that? She is starting to develop her language skills and understands a lot more than we think lately.

And that’s how you escalate a joke into an argument folks.

You come across as being quite sensitive and passive aggressive. The long-winded way of asking him how you should convey a message is a massive wind up.

I wouldn’t be asking him how I should speak. Just say what you have to say. He doesn’t have to like it.

As for how he speaks to your daughter it sounds like he has a weird sense of humour if he thinks getting a win over a 14 month old is an achievement. He needs to grow up and accept YOU’RE not a child and you won’t be told by him how you should speak.

Yes, I appreciate that but in this case, for whose benefit is the joke? Toddlers don't understand jokes, and I feel like it is best not to joke like that with toddlers or very young children.

Which part is passive aggressive? Not arguing, just genuinely want to know.

First child ? 😁

This, exactly - he made a lighthearted throwaway comment and you started trying to censure him and control how he speaks to his daughter - you are being highly unreasonable.

YOU feel like its best!?!? you don't get to control how your partner acts - he obviously doesn't feel like its best- and his view is just as valid as yours. And of course toddlers get jokes.

You have to let him parent how he wants to parent. He's not 'the help'. If you chastise him for every move then he'll just end up leaving everything to you and then you'll be on here complaining he doesn't ever do anything.

What's even wrong with what he said? Kids are kinda boring and you end up narrating things just to amuse yourself.

You really can't police how he talks to your child - if my DH tried to shut me down by saying 'oh no' to something I said, as if I was a child, I'd be very unimpressed.

The ‘I win/you lose’ to a baby would wind me up too. I would tell him to stop being a an immature dick and then you wouldn’t have to pull him up. You did nothing wrong op. The ego on him doesn’t like being told off but that’s tough. We don’t have to pander to that shit.

Vividly remember these conversations with exes family screaming "I win I win!" Over everything DD related I did ask them to not but they refused DD was very adversarial towards them beginning with screaming "I want to win" to outright refusal to co-operate with them in case they "won" I let them carry on because it wasn't effecting me but they couldn't see the effect it was having on their relationship she grew to be quite scathing in the end "I win I win!" "I'm four why does that make you happy" 💀

I think you've both overreacted here.

Surely he was just joking around and trying to make DD laugh?

Have you really never wrestled your child into a car seat or something and thought “thank god I won that battle”? The “you lose “ comment is a little immature but I think that most people would at least think “I won” I bet I could find a social media video of a parent saying similar to your h today. I wasn’t there so I’m assuming he wasn’t being OTT rubbing it in like a competitive sibling- if he was then my answer about what he said would be different.

You spoke to your h like he’s a child which is ironic considering that you want him to be mindful of how he speaks to dd. There’s more than one way to raise children and I would argue that it’s better for kids to experience more than one good method than just the one. Remember that your h is an equal parent to you and assuming that you took more parental leave, has had less time to hone his methods and skills. Just wondering but would you have let dd eat without a bib on ? Maybe your h doesn’t believe in permissive parenting ? Allowing her to eat without a bib sometimes and not at others, is inevitably going to create a battle where dd tries to get her preference become the rule.

Of course toddlers understand jokes. Laughing and joking is a good way to get through the frustrating parts of your DD’s current age and should she develop a good sense of humour then it will help make her friends when she’s older. My kids are teen upwards and we have a jokey dynamic which we like.

A jokey dynamic is one thing - a grown man calling his young baby dd a loser is not funny or clever. It is a horrid competitive blokey thing that is totally unnecessary thing to say in that situation.

You and your DH should be a team. You have decided to parent 1 way, he has another way. It's not wrong. It's just different to yours. Your DD will learn how to communicate with you both. Teachers in school will also have a different way to handle the children in their care and the children will also adapt to that.

You should not scold your DH in front of your children. They will soon learn to divide and conquer and then you'll have real trouble.

If you have an issue with something he says (and this sounds very light-hearted and jesting) you should bring it up out of earshot of the children. If you start telling him he's wrong, then soon your children will ignore his authority and run to you complaining about him.

You jumped the gun. He handled your DD. He got her apron and he made a jokey comment that she didn't understand anyway. You jumped the gun in your haste to be a better parent than him.

I get it OP, it's a nasty way to relate to a baby/toddler.

His joke was a bit odd, but no harm in it afaic. Telling him off for his parenting style in front of DC is harmful IMO, so I agree with him if she was present during this conversation.

I don’t think he should have said that, but I also don’t think you should have undermined him in front of her. You should have waited to bring it up at another time. Same for him if he did the same.

This

its a throwaway joke, I don’t think it needed to be a big a deal as you both made it after.

I'm trying to be very intentional with the way I speak to DC. And I have probably thought a million things in my head that would never say out loud in front of DC.

I think toddlers understand some jokes. But they might not understand some nuances in how adults speak and they aren't true eg. DH has said stuff like "DC won't kiss daddy, fine I don't like you either". And I am trying to get DH to understand the impact of this way of speaking to her in case she doesn't understand it.

Edit to add: I also know DC will grow up and go into the real world and people will speak to her in all sorts of ways. But I want her to know she is loved unconditionally by her parents and home is a safe place where she won't be made to feel bad or a loser or anything like that.

Also, thank you to the PPs who have said not to undermine DH in front of DC. I will definitely be more mindful of that in the future.

Complete none issue and over reaction. If this is a priority problem then you are blessed x

It sounds like you’ve read all the blogs and want to be the perfect parent whereas your DH is more natural and lighthearted in his approach. Honestly, your DD will pick up more on his intentions and his energy that being so focused on his words. She’ll know when he’s joking.

Non issue, both need to just let it go.