To think it is DH who shouldn't speak like that!

[Peonii]

DC is 14 months and a bit of a fussy eater. I try and create a calm, happy environment for meal times and do my best not to escalate if she starts getting worked up.

She didn't want to wear her apron today for lunch but DH got it on. She was crying more and more in her high chair. When he got it on her he said "Ha! I win! You lose!". I was bringing her lunch over and overheard so I said something like "oh no, don't make her think we're in different teams, don't say she loses and you win, that's not nice."
DH immediately replied "don't talk to me like that!"

It was quite abrupt.. and when I said like what he repeated not to speak to him like that. I then said "well I would like you to not speak to DC like that. But also, can you let me know how it is I should convey a message like that to you? If it's an important message, how is it best to relay it to you." It might sound strange but my communication style frequently annoys DH. I am not precise enough or always answer things in a round about way and so I do ask him how he would like certain things communicated to him to avoid future conflict.

I feel so grumpy and upset the way he told me not to speak like that. But AIBU to think he should not speak to DC like that? She is starting to develop her language skills and understands a lot more than we think lately.

Bet it's going to be a barrel of laughs in your house for your DC as they get older!

OP I think other posters are making light of it but I absolutely HATE the parenting styles of idiots who say things like 'fine I don't like you either'. Kids pick up on parents' attitudes even if she doesn't fully understand the words and it's really toxic. I see quite a few parents like this sadly who almost seem to enjoy winding their kids up or who take the approach of being as immature as the child. I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

Of course toddlers understand jokes. Laughing and joking is a good way to get through the frustrating parts of your DD’s current age and should she develop a good sense of humour then it will help make her friends when she’s older. My kids are teen upwards and we have a jokey dynamic which we like.

Completely agree with this.

But I also know DC will grow up and go into the real world and people will speak to her in all sorts of ways. But I want her to know she is loved unconditionally by her parents and home is a safe place where she won't be made to feel bad or a loser or anything like that.

But it will also teach your dc to develop their sense of humour if they come from a house where you laugh and joke with them and diffuse situations with humour.

I agree. I’m surprised at the responses. No child is going to want to eat dinner if they’re upset. He’s just made it worse.

I think a suitable reaction would have been to jump DH with a massive table cloth and tie it round him like a bib, climb up on the table, point down at him and declare, "I think you will find I WON". Then finish off with a superwoman pose.

It's about being humourless. I have a great sense of humour and easily make a child laugh their way out of a tantrum but I don't make jokes at the child's expense. I might get them in the highchair and then gently tickle them or pull a funny face or pretend to fall on my bottom or whatever. Or joke that they are a silly sausage or whatever works for the child. But 'I won' 'i don't like you either' type jokes? No. That's dickish, immature behaviour from people who see parenting as some kind of battle with their kids.

Sorry it's NOT about being humourless! Can't edit on app.

But I want her to know she is loved unconditionally by her parents and home is a safe place where she won't be made to feel bad or a loser or anything like that.

Teasing can be healthy in a safe environment. I assume your DH does indeed love his DD. Having a little bit of harmless teasing in a safe environment where you know you're loved can build resilience to teasing outside of the home. My DS 18 had a tough time in school when he was small. He is very clever, not sporty, wore glasses, loved maths etc. So obviously children called him weird, and a nerd etc. He used to get upset by this so I explained he was weird, in their eyes. And they were weird in his. To him it was weird that they weren't automatically brilliant at maths, that they seemed to get enjoyment from running around a field after a ball etc. I started telling him he was a nerd and we'd make fun of the term together. It weakened the word and when other children then called him a nerd in school it didn't hurt as much. When he started secondary school he came home after about 3 days and announced to me that it seemed that he wasn't the biggest nerd in his class. We laughed about this and about how his identity had been stolen from him!! He made friends with this boy and a few others and I used to ask him were they a little "nerd gang" going around terrorising the halls!

Your husband got the job done. And like it or not, you and him are on a different team to her! You're the parents. You're the primary team. You have to be a team in parenting together, and your DD has to concede to you on a lot of things.

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre you're comparing this situation with a much older child. 14 month olds cannot understand sarcastic teasing. It's just mean. In your case it was different..

I'd say the 14 month old didn't understand the words at all, sarcastic or otherwise. But maybe if Dad was laughing, smiling, making a silly face saying silly words etc then it might have interrupted her tantrum and made her smile. How many of us have played games with our babies where we "shout" or "scold" and they roar laughing at us?

Teasing and joking in families is normal. Home is the one place where children will feel safe. Where they can be happy, tired, sad, angry, fall out with people, have arguments and still know they're loved and their family aren't going anywhere. Home is where they can be themselves. @Peonii you made a big deal out of a tiny incident.

I think your DD and her dad will have a lovely fun relationship. They might annoy each other, they might occasionally upset each other, but ultimately they will both know that they are safe in their emotions with each other.

DH has said stuff like "DC won't kiss daddy, fine I don't like you either".

I don't like that at all. Kids should know from an early age that it's their choice who they kiss.

Excellent post

I think you are massively overthinking this. The odd random jokey comment is not going to harm your child but parents who undermine each other in front of her will. You need to ease up and stop taking it too seriously. Your DH was just joking around with her and trying to make her laugh by the sounds of it. At 14 months I doubt she understood it anyway!

'd say the 14 month old didn't understand the words at all, sarcastic or otherwise. But maybe if Dad was laughing, smiling, making a silly face saying silly words etc then it might have interrupted her tantrum and made her smile. How many of us have played games with our babies where we "shout" or "scold" and they roar laughing at us?

Teasing and joking in families is normal. Home is the one place where children will feel safe. Where they can be happy, tired, sad, angry, fall out with people, have arguments and still know they're loved and their family aren't going anywhere. Home is where they can be themselves. @Peonii you made a big deal out of a tiny incident.

I think your DD and her dad will have a lovely fun relationship. They might annoy each other, they might occasionally upset each other, but ultimately they will both know that they are safe in their emotions with each other.

That's quite a reach from just what the op said. We have no idea if it was said in a fun, jokey voice and he was just messing about or if he sincerely felt like he'd won and the toddler had lost this 'battle'. Yes, they might end up with a lovely relationship where they feel safe to express their feelings, or they might not, they might have a really adversarial relationship where the dad always wants to be the winner, or the kid might grow up feeing like a loser.
Either way, you need to have some chats about how you're both going to parent as you're not on the e same page right now.
Also, if you're looking for ways to handle stuff like this better, you'll have more luck on gentle parenting fb groups, aibu is so adversarial!