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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad DD left out of party

54 replies

2024m · 08/06/2024 10:30

My DD’s classmate has a birthday party today and seems like most of the class is invited plus kids from the other class are invited too (2 form entry primary school). I only found out as a mum from other class said yesterday “see u tomorrow” I asked what she meant and she said it’s X’s party. I wouldn’t usually dwell on it but the venue happens to be right on our street! The birthday mum knows this as been to a party at our home last year So have lots of other parents. I feel sad for DD as she might see people coming or going and will see the birthday decorations and realise it’s her birthday. I have no idea what time it is either but planning to take DD out for most of the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
2024m · 08/06/2024 10:32

I personally would never do this. In the past when we having parties at home I make sure we send cake for little neighbours and even invite them along if she appropriate.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 08/06/2024 10:37

This Is awful, yes I know they can invite who they want etc etc but a classmate and neighbour really is unkind.

Upinthenightagain · 08/06/2024 10:38

It’s crap been through it with dd quite a few times. Some people are horrible

Revelatio · 08/06/2024 10:38

Unfortunately this will happen. I don’t think it’s horrible, no more horrible to force a child to invite someone to their birthday they don’t want there. It is upsetting for you and your daughter, I think anyone would be upset. I would take your daughter out for a fun day instead.

Original poster
2024m · 08/06/2024 10:54

@Revelatio they are 6 years old. Play together so I don’t think it’s what the kid wants. They came happily to our party a few months ago and last year came to our home so fully well know where we live and having party right next to our home is very mean.

OP posts:
ToxicChristmas · 08/06/2024 10:58

That's a shame for her. Take her out and do something fun instead so you avoid the comings and goings of the guests and any party noise.
Try not to be too upset. This is so common and happens to most children at some point. DD and DS were certainly not invited to every party at primary and that's absolutely fine. Parties have guest limits, kids have favourite friends and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like she hasn't been singled out as the only child not invited (even if most have) so don't dwell on it and just do something else instead.

Comedycook · 08/06/2024 10:58

It's mean....how do you get on with the mum op?

Original poster
2024m · 08/06/2024 11:01

Thank you all. I would say we get along well. Not best friends but certainly civil and friendly when we see each other

OP posts:
SunriseSunsets · 08/06/2024 11:02

So why do you feel she wasn't included then if they are friends and you get on with her? Maybe you don't get on as much as you think?

PuttingDownRoots · 08/06/2024 11:05

Are you sure the invitation didn't get lost?

Withswitch · 08/06/2024 11:05

'most of the kids' from her class and some from the other would mean 40+ kids in our school. My guess is she has been allowed 20 friends and picked ones from both classes. Once best friends and mums' best friends children are included that is probably 5-10 spots and your DD didn't make the list. I wouldnt worry about it.

Mrsjayy · 08/06/2024 11:06

Are you sure she wasn't invited and the invite was lost ?

ToxicChristmas · 08/06/2024 11:09

2024m · 08/06/2024 11:01

Thank you all. I would say we get along well. Not best friends but certainly civil and friendly when we see each other

You are putting too much thought into this. It's a 6 year olds party. It's probably a case of you can have this many people, who do you want? Nothing more. You won't give a shit in a week or two. I hand on heart can't remember half the primary school kids names now with an 18 and 16 year old, let alone what parties they went to and didn't get invited to. The kids certainly don't remember. It doesn't mean the mum hates you or your kid, or that you've done something wrong. Forget about it.

Onedayatatime8 · 08/06/2024 12:35

2024m · 08/06/2024 10:54

@Revelatio they are 6 years old. Play together so I don’t think it’s what the kid wants. They came happily to our party a few months ago and last year came to our home so fully well know where we live and having party right next to our home is very mean.

This was my daughter in primary. I wasn’t sure why she just seemed to be missed all the time at that age. Fast forward 7 years and she is invited everywhere and has loads of friends. Sometimes a little adversity can be the making of them. You’re doing the right thing taking her out. My heart used to break too but I would always find something fun and exciting to do and to this day my DD will do the same if she’s feeling a group of friends or girls are trying to exclude her (as kids of all ages sadly do) the not wallowing in it and moving on is a great skill to have, however you are entitled to feel sad about it

Maria1979 · 08/06/2024 12:39

It is always tough when you are excluded, even worse when it's your child. Maybe it's harder for you than for your child? You dont mention her being aware about or sad about this party. Possible reasons to why she is not invited:

  1. They are not close friends so she wasnt chosen since numbers must have been limited (I doubt she's having 40 children over)
  2. They had a falling out.
  3. The mother doesnt like you because you for whatever reason.

You cant invite all classmates to a party but I do think she should have invited your DD since her daughter was invited and came to your DDs party. I tell my kids that if they get invited and go to a party then that person is on the "to invite list" for their party. It's just common sense, polite and the right thing to do..

redskydarknight · 08/06/2024 12:44

2024m · 08/06/2024 10:32

I personally would never do this. In the past when we having parties at home I make sure we send cake for little neighbours and even invite them along if she appropriate.

That's normal for very small children. At 6, it's more likely that the birthday girl has been asked to name 15 (or some specific number) of people and they are the ones that have been invited. You say your DD isn't a closest friend so not really a surprise that she wasn't in the top so many.

If you keep inviting neighbours, family friends and family of similar ages to parties as they get older, you will end up in the situation where you have so many already that the birthday child can't invite any of their own actual friends.

redskydarknight · 08/06/2024 12:47

You cant invite all classmates to a party but I do think she should have invited your DD since her daughter was invited and came to your DDs party. I tell my kids that if they get invited and go to a party then that person is on the "to invite list" for their party. It's just common sense, polite and the right thing to do..

Except where you have a limited number party because that method means the only invitees are those from families that can afford parties with birthdays at the beginning of the school year. So the opposite of the "right thing to do".

Disturbia81 · 08/06/2024 13:14

Yep this is really crap.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 08/06/2024 13:46

I think it's unlikely that anyone in their right mind would invite 40-59 6yo to a birthday party and deliberately exclude your daughter. As PP said, much more likely that it's a "normal" size party or even a small party, with a number of kids from both classes, maybe some friends or cousins from out of school etc.

Where have you gotten "seems like most of the class is invited plus kids from the other class are invited too"?

RedRobyn2021 · 08/06/2024 13:48

That's so sad, I'm sorry

NerrSnerr · 08/06/2024 13:51

If it's a 2 form entry that's 60 children. I imagine they have only invited 20, maybe 30 at the very most. It seems like a lot and 'most' children invited but it almost certainly won't be.

At that age I always asked the children who they wanted, my son has always been very specific about who he wants at his parties and if sometimes surprises me, but it's his party so he gets to choose.

SilentSilhouette · 08/06/2024 13:53

@2024m Have you actually asked the mum whether your daughter was invited?

I would have sent her a message saying "Hi, I hear X is having a birthday party on X date, and Y is a little sad that she wasn't invited. Is there a reason for this?"

It seems odd if they're friends that they didn't get an invite, so it might have got lost or fallen out her bag or something?

I have twins and a friend was having a party with most the class and one of my twins got invited and not the other. Turns out they did get invited but the invitation fell out their bag. I RSVP saying my daughter could go, and they asked what about her brother!

MamTDM · 08/06/2024 13:55

It's so hurtful. My DS is 17 now and I still haven't forgiven the mum who left him out of her DS's 6th birthday party!

Unicornsparks88 · 08/06/2024 13:55

It's a tricky one. We have my DDs 6th birthday party tomorrow and after a whole class party last year, decided we would keep it smaller this year and just do a party for 12. DD is also in a two form entry. She wanted to invite the children she plays with the most so a few from her class and the other along with an NCT friend and a cousin who is also nearly 6. It was difficult at swimming this morning as the party was mentioned in front of another parent whose child hasn't been invited. It was awkward, but DD just doesn't really play with the other child and they move in different friendship groups.

nobeans · 08/06/2024 13:57

Maybe there's a reason? Perhaps they've been bullying each other?