What would you do in my situation

[StuckOnWhatToDo658]

My husband had an affair and our marriage is over. Currently living separately with my in martial home and him with family.

When we sell I am going to struggle to live in this area. The best I can afford to buy will be a flat with no outdoor space or houses where the layout makes no sense (having to walk through bedroom to get to only bathroom for example) and 40 mins drive from school child will start this year. I have pets that need outdoor space and hoped they would live with me. Rent wise I can afford the same so would be better off buying.

My parents live over 4 hours away but in a cheaper location where I could get a nice size property with garden but at the cost of leaving friends behind. Ex would move that way too but don't want him relying on me for company!

I wondered whether we could live together but not as a couple. Plough money into the house for a few years and sell but I'm mid 30s and I don't want to confuse my kid moving dad back in the out again.

What would you do?

Don't live with your ex! It's a recipe for disaster and would be confusing forvyour kids.

And confusing (understatement) for anyone else you may meet along the way. It would be awkward inviting anyone back.

having ex live with me again is not something I really want to do I just don't know how I am supposed to afford to live. It's such an expensive area and I'm currently relying on him paying the bulk of the costs for this house. We got it as a fixer upper and he cheated within a year of moving. He has screwed us financially 😔

If he's willing to move with you, I'd move back to our parent's town but you both buy separate houses. Would he be willing to do that?

The way I see it
-being near your grandparents is beneficial in kids lives
-not having a huge drop in living standards is beneficial (ie, not going from a house to a flat)

can you afford the mortgage on your own and stay put?

I would not live with my ex. I think that is just asking for a whole heap of difficulties and potentially be a really awful living situation for you, him and your child.

If he's willing to move that's what I do. Living together would be bad enough, but given you said about getting more money for your fixer upper I'm assuming you mean doing renovations and that's stressful enough in a good relationship, sounds like a recipe for disaster in this situation.

It depends on the areas. If you’ve made a nice life for yourself somewhere like the Home Counties or London and are considering moving back to somewhere like the Welsh valleys or Hull to save money it would be absolutely heartbreaking imo and impact your job chances, life expectancy, your child’s life and so on

His parents are down this way and his parents divorced so 4 grandparents are here and 2 are 4 hours away. My parents are younger and travel down a lot so my child would lose out on time with other grandparents who wouldn't travel to visit. I should have said that in original post. I do agree being close to grandparents is very beneficial. I grew up spending most holidays and weekends with mine and have fond memories

Sadly not. It's way above what I could afford. He earns almost double what I do

You have actually got the locations spot on. This could potentially out me but I have name changed. I am in Kent and parents North Wales. I would consider the English border maybe Oswestry or something but all my friends are here and siblings are in England too. My work isn't very social so I don't think I would.make friends easily either which is concerning

Could you move to a cheaper part of Kent (Ashford, Margate etc) or Medway so you still live in the area?

Well, I would certainly give it a whirl. How does your husband feel about it? If he’s willing to move it sounds as if he still values your life ‘together’.

But I am old, and have not much pride left, or at least, not enough for deep inconvenience. Minority of one here, I suspect.

Are you basing what you'll have on a 50:50 split of equity? Have you taken legal advice on fair settlement?

Buy the house with the crap layout and over time remodel it

I'd move.

Your support system (your parents) are up north, you can provide a better life for your child there; the cost of living is only going to rise.

He fucked the marriage and his relationship with his child when he fucked the OW. He shouldn't expect you to just keep his life easy, living near his parents and friend etc.

Divorce is a dirty business, even if you're friendly with your in-laws now that may all change during the process.

The one this you know for sure about your STBXH is that he's a liar, so act in your own best interests moving forward because you cannot trust that he will behave like a decent and honest man

I'd buy the house with the weird layout it's a non issue really, you'll get used to it,that layout is vry common in my area. In fact you walk through the master bedroom,then a smaller bedroom / office / walk in wardrobe and then you reach the bathroom. Most people just put a downstairs toilet in.

It is highly likely there will be better opportunities for both you and DC where you are, a greater range of sports clubs, career opportunities, transport links.

Whatever decision you come to doesn't need to be forever. Make the decision based on what is best for the next ten years / until your DC reaches 18. You can then move again if you need or want to to a house more suited to a lifestage without a child in tow.

If you move and ex changes his mind and decides not to move with you there's no guarantee of taking your DC with you,or if you do then all the travelling is on you as the parent that moved.

I don't know what you SHOULD do, lots of factors that I don know, but what I know you SHOULD NOT do is live together!!

it's soul destroying when you do it 'until the house has sold' or 'until he/she finds somewhere'.

its wayyy too complicated & horrible.

best wishes finding the best solution for you & DC!!

is he still seeing the AP? Weird he's happy to move away?!

Not at all. I completely agree with you.

I currently live with my ex whilst we try to sell our joint property and it's been hell. We both want to move on a figure life out as individuals but we're stuck with a turgid local market.

I plan to move to a cheaper area of the country. There's no other opt for me.

Move to cheaper place near famil once lo starts school you should make new friends anyway and have the support of family which being a single parent will hopefully have benefits for you
in emergency or illness etc

I'd move borders way, not North Wales as entering schooling with the Welsh language to learn is an added complexity (am a Welsh speaker so not anti the language in any way), is there any way you can split the difference? Moving to a slightly cheaper area might be enough depending on finances. Also NHS services in North Wales are not good. The Betsi Cadwaladr trust is often in the headlines for very bad reasons.

I'd choose a cheaper house with a weird layout. That's the least change to the status quo, keeping friends, relatives, DC schooling, pets, outdoor space the same.
It also gives you the option still to move back at a later date, should staying put not work out.
If you move back now and it doesn't work out, you're stuck as things will have moved on.
Also as a PP said, you may be able to remodel the house at a later date.

I would buy a cheap house with a weird layout and re-model it over time.

Realistically, you have 2 options:
Buy near your parents
Live with your ex.

If you live with your ex, it's probably better for DC but worse for you.
Buying near DPs might be a good option for DC and you too as would be close to them for support.