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Original poster

What would you do in my situation

43 replies

StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 10:14

My husband had an affair and our marriage is over. Currently living separately with my in martial home and him with family.

When we sell I am going to struggle to live in this area. The best I can afford to buy will be a flat with no outdoor space or houses where the layout makes no sense (having to walk through bedroom to get to only bathroom for example) and 40 mins drive from school child will start this year. I have pets that need outdoor space and hoped they would live with me. Rent wise I can afford the same so would be better off buying.

My parents live over 4 hours away but in a cheaper location where I could get a nice size property with garden but at the cost of leaving friends behind. Ex would move that way too but don't want him relying on me for company!

I wondered whether we could live together but not as a couple. Plough money into the house for a few years and sell but I'm mid 30s and I don't want to confuse my kid moving dad back in the out again.

What would you do?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 08/06/2024 12:34

Apileofballyhoo · 08/06/2024 11:31

Are you basing what you'll have on a 50:50 split of equity? Have you taken legal advice on fair settlement?

This.

VestPantsandSocks · 08/06/2024 12:56

I would try and make it work in Kent as there are so many more opportunities for work and culture than in Wales.

House prices don't rise much in Wales but if you move out of Kent, it will be difficult to get back on the property ladder there.

Piddypigeon · 08/06/2024 13:18

have you got an idea how much maintainance he would have to pay. would you get UC top up? what about your work if you move? would you have to leave your job?

Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:38

Springwatch123 · 08/06/2024 11:29

Could you move to a cheaper part of Kent (Ashford, Margate etc) or Medway so you still live in the area?

I have looked and Dover is looking the most reasonable price wise but it's a long way from work which isn't ideal. That's the area where a lot of the properties I have seen have bizarre layouts

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:40

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/06/2024 11:30

Well, I would certainly give it a whirl. How does your husband feel about it? If he’s willing to move it sounds as if he still values your life ‘together’.

But I am old, and have not much pride left, or at least, not enough for deep inconvenience. Minority of one here, I suspect.

He would be willing to move but I have zero interest in being with him and I do fear if I move and struggle to find friendships etc I might just settle with him for convenience. I don't want him to be my future no matter how hard things are

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:42

Apileofballyhoo · 08/06/2024 11:31

Are you basing what you'll have on a 50:50 split of equity? Have you taken legal advice on fair settlement?

Slightly more than 50 but I do need to get legal advice to know for sure what I'm entitled to. It won't make a huge difference as there isn't a large equity

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:42

CannotWaitToBeFree · 08/06/2024 11:32

Buy the house with the crap layout and over time remodel it

Good point. Maybe I should revisit mu options and think about how the layout could be better

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:44

S00tyandSweep · 08/06/2024 11:36

I'd move.

Your support system (your parents) are up north, you can provide a better life for your child there; the cost of living is only going to rise.

He fucked the marriage and his relationship with his child when he fucked the OW. He shouldn't expect you to just keep his life easy, living near his parents and friend etc.

Divorce is a dirty business, even if you're friendly with your in-laws now that may all change during the process.

The one this you know for sure about your STBXH is that he's a liar, so act in your own best interests moving forward because you cannot trust that he will behave like a decent and honest man

It does feel like I am trapped here because of him. I wanted to move away earlier in our relationship. I have great friends here though so I need to really think about how I would meet new people elsewhere. I am not the most out going!

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:45

Singleandproud · 08/06/2024 11:38

I'd buy the house with the weird layout it's a non issue really, you'll get used to it,that layout is vry common in my area. In fact you walk through the master bedroom,then a smaller bedroom / office / walk in wardrobe and then you reach the bathroom. Most people just put a downstairs toilet in.

It is highly likely there will be better opportunities for both you and DC where you are, a greater range of sports clubs, career opportunities, transport links.

Whatever decision you come to doesn't need to be forever. Make the decision based on what is best for the next ten years / until your DC reaches 18. You can then move again if you need or want to to a house more suited to a lifestage without a child in tow.

If you move and ex changes his mind and decides not to move with you there's no guarantee of taking your DC with you,or if you do then all the travelling is on you as the parent that moved.

Edited

Very good point. I am trusting the word of a liar

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:47

AmelieTaylor · 08/06/2024 11:43

I don't know what you SHOULD do, lots of factors that I don know, but what I know you SHOULD NOT do is live together!!

it's soul destroying when you do it 'until the house has sold' or 'until he/she finds somewhere'.

its wayyy too complicated & horrible.

best wishes finding the best solution for you & DC!!

is he still seeing the AP? Weird he's happy to move away?!

No AP is long gone but I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else he is hiding from me. At this point I only have his word he would move and another poster has just made me realise I'm trusting the word of a liar if I move

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:48

PurpleWhiteGreen123 · 08/06/2024 11:56

I currently live with my ex whilst we try to sell our joint property and it's been hell. We both want to move on a figure life out as individuals but we're stuck with a turgid local market.

I plan to move to a cheaper area of the country. There's no other opt for me.

I hope you manage to resolve it soon. It's awful living with an ex. We did for a bit and I hated it. He gets under my skin easily

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:51

Thanks for the insight. Our local NHS is pretty awful too especially maternity ward. I agree I don't want my kid to feel singled out not knowing any Welsh as we would be leaving after a school year earliest

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 15:54

Piddypigeon · 08/06/2024 13:18

have you got an idea how much maintainance he would have to pay. would you get UC top up? what about your work if you move? would you have to leave your job?

Yes I have factored maintenence in and hope a bank would take it all into consideration for a mortgage. I wouldn't be entitled to UC straight away as I would have over £16k from selling our house. I would need to rely on that for rent etc but they all look at affordability calculators and apparently savings and UC don't get taken into account. The rental market is very competitive and many houses have been brought up for uni students so limited choices and most are out of my affordability. I would rather get a mortgage and lay lower than I would be for rent as properties are similar standard

OP posts:
Butterleigh · 08/06/2024 16:07

Your well being comes over friends . People come and go .

Original poster
StuckOnWhatToDo658 · 08/06/2024 18:52

Butterleigh · 08/06/2024 16:07

Your well being comes over friends . People come and go .

I worry my wellbeing will reduce if I don't have people I can spend time with outside of family

OP posts:
WmFnKdSg1234 · 08/06/2024 19:39

Get legal advice.

You may find that you and your children may be able to remain in the marital until the children are 18 years. This was what happened to me. My ex-husband had to continue contributing so that this was possible.

Trainday · 08/06/2024 19:41

Everyone I know who's lived with ex for more than a few months while they sorted out living arrangements ended up getting unhappily back together.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 08/06/2024 19:44

I should add: whilst my ex lived elsewhere.

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