To be totally perplexed how to help my teenager have a life?!

[cookie4640]

Asking the hive mind here and going to try to keep it quick…

my DD is 18. School /GCSEs was disrupted by covid and eventually she dropped out of A levels too as it was too hard - not surprising when basic foundations meant to be taught and understood through GCSEs were basically missed.
shes always struggled with MH and depression since puberty started at 12. Kind of a geek kid rather than a drink / drugs /party kid.

so here’s the problem - she has zero friends.
she would love to make friends but doesn’t actually know how and has crippling social anxiety and over thinks everything. We literally couldn’t be more different.
how can I help her?! She goes to work but works with people in their 40s+ that have their own teenagers and don’t really get involved socialising. She has no hobbies and doesn’t find anything at all interesting - she said she just feels like she’s existing - she goes to work and hates it, then on her days off she does nothing and goes nowhere whilst she waits to return to work the following g day.
how can I help her break free of this cycle of whatever it is she’s in? All very well and good saying ‘get a hobby’ - such as what? What can a young lady do, where she can meet other people and make friends when her mindset is such that everything is dull and pointless. We’ve been back to the drs countless times and they even prescribed antidepressants once she turned 18 then she refused to take them.

she won’t take a walk or exercise, she doesn’t nourish her body and just eats shite - she’s slim and beautiful at the moment but if she’s blessed with my ahem metabolism I can guarantee that won’t last and she’ll sink further into self loathing.
honestly she would just sit in her room all day with her cat playing Roblox yet she recognises she’s miserable and wasting her life but doesn’t know how / where to start or what to do.

suggestions On a postcard please!
oh and she can drive and we live close by to a town.

I'd suggest leaving the job and getting herself back to college to do an Access course, or a similar Level 3.

I assume as she started A levels she got a few GCSEs incl Maths and English? What do you think she would have done had Covid and MH issues not reared their head? Uni?

Small step perhaps to gently help her re program eg a holiday, and change some patterns

I think college would be a great idea.

Why won't she try the anti depressants?

Do you have a dog that she could walk?
Does she show any interest in clothes shopping?

Go and work in McDonalds or a busy pub or bar - it’s honestly a ready made friendship group
Volunteer for a bit of social interaction and confidence boosting. If she does something like Parkrun/junior Parkrun it’s a short period of time (less than an hour), there’s a defined job to do and she can have a chat to friendly people with no further expectations.
Go back to college
Use this opportunity to try out a different job
Do something wild like camp America or be a rep at a holiday resort, she would likely find it initially very challenging but it teaches great skills

CBT to change her mindset. Someone who does motivational interviewing. Counselling. It will take a long time I think.

I think your daughter needs to find something she enjoys. Take small positive positive steps to bring some joy back to her life. Been through similar with my eldest one X good luck 🤞 🍀 💐

Maybe something like propanolol for the social anxiety if she isn't ready for the anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. You're going to need to play the long game here.

My dd is the same age and also struggled a lot thanks to covid 🙁

Has she always struggled socially? Would therapy/cbt be useful to help change the negative thought cycles?

That said you might have to sit back and wait until she decides to do something to sort her life out. When I was 18 I had crippling anxiety and dropped out of college, I spent a year working in the world's most boring shop and it gave me the incentive to apply to do camp America.

After that my confidence massively improved and my life started.

Would a vocational college course suit her better?

OP, my son is very similar. He's also 18 and just finishing up his A Levels. He really hated doing them but was too anxious to go to college. He stays home playing Fifa and now he's not even walking to school anymore, there is no exercise or leaving the house most of the time. He doesn't drive or tolerate public transport very well.

But

I think he's fairly happy like this. Is your DD really not happy? You say you're both very different. Perhaps you'd be miserable with her life but maybe she's OK and just needs the routine for now. It's a shame if she hates her job so I would definitely start looking at apprenticeships or something she might find more interesting. Other than that, a colleague of mine has met most of her friends and boyfriend through online gaming (they all 'meet up' online and play) but I think she is into fantasy type stuff. My DS says he wants to take up the electric guitar again when exams are over, he finds it relaxing to play - so does she have anything like that? Maybe bass guitar, drums?

I worked in a busy city centre bar at her age, ready made gang to go out with. Or perhaps encourage to find a more sociable / younger crowd job?

I suggest her to go on the NHS counselling list, it will take a few months. It's ok if she doesn't want to be on antidepressants, don't pressure her. Tell her to register for counselling and not to worry about it now. Because anyway the list is long, it may take up to a year until someone will see her. She obviously needs someone to help her a little bit with understanding what's wrong in her life and give her a professional advice.

Depression and anxiety is terrible. I hope you'll have patience, understanding and won't pressure her to do anything ASAP as long as she's not comfortable to do it. She may need a few more months or maybe years to get over it.

Alternatively, if she doesn't want counselling but is eager to understand herself she can start reading books about personal development, anxiety, depression from reliable psychologist. Or watch some YouTube videos about it.

About friends, she can check meetup.com and join any meetings with other people. People meet there not only for specific hobbies, but to go out for a drink, in a club, a museum, etc. It's fun and no expectations from anyone to become friends for life after it. You can do a Google search, there should be other websites similar with meetup.

Once she'll feel better, she can always go back to her studies in a year or two. There's no need to pressure her to do it all together and ASAP, it won't help.

I think before she can move on, she has to deal with her mental health and social anxiety. Would she consider counselling? It would be helpful to speak to someone more neutral who can help her to find the tools and strength to take steps towards a future she wants. It isn't a quick cure but small steps. Good luck to her.

My DC2 (also female) ended up dropping out of sixth form due to mental health issues. I won't go into it all but suffice to say it was hard and the support from the NHS was non-existent. Eventually she discovered an interest in a particular subject and decided to start taking an a level in it online. (I had no part in this, it was all from her.)
Eventually, she decided she would like to do an apprenticeship in that subject.
She was successful and now has a full time job working from home in the subject of her apprenticeship. She can go on to do an additional apprenticeship which will fully qualify her to work for herself in a fairly lucrative career.
It took two and a half years for my DD to emerge from her poor mental health - and what eventually made the difference was medication (prior to this she was resistant).
It was an awful time and trying to be endlessly patient was extremely draining and took its toll on my own mental health.
It's difficult, but hang in there, @cookie4640.
It might take time, but things will eventually resolve.

Could she try volunteering? Helping others is a way to start feeling good about yourself.

A few suggestions-
Coaching/counselling- to help support her through the transition and build those skills needed for friendships
Youth group- a supported way to get her with a group of young people
Going back to college
Volunteering- this can be a great way to give her some confidence and make friends quickly. Scouting is always very quick moving to get volunteers in.
Change in job or taking on part time work over the weekend.
Workshops- you could book a session with your daughter to learn a new skill or craft, this can be a fun way to learn something, bond with your daughter, maybe gain a hobby and model ways to talk to others.

All that being said it is really hard if she's not ready to take any steps towards changing the situation. It's really hard for a parent to break through that. Is there another trusted adult that could talk to her about how she's feeling?

"Workshops- you could book a session with your daughter to learn a new skill or craft, this can be a fun way to learn something, bond with your daughter, maybe gain a hobby and model ways to talk to others." - I think this is a great idea from emmama2.

OP, if you don't mind answering, how often are you going out with your daughter? As a family or only you two? How much quality time do you spend with her?

Could she do duke of edinburgh?
she’s still young enough to join youth groups. I think going to college is a good idea but she should do some online self esteem
stuff to help her confidence so she can put herself out there to make friends.
good luck

I think going back to some form of education would be the best thing. It sounds as though she doesn't like the job and won't find friends her own age at least in the near future. If she didn't get on with A levels she could do a different type of course at college. Or maybe she just chose the wrong A Levels? My son ended up changing all of his subjects.

Yeah. The easy answer is that she needs to get out and be around people her age, school or work. That’s where kids her age meet people and make friends. So if she needs the jobs with the 40 yo for stability that’s great. But she should pick something else up pt to work an a more socially advantageous setting.

The harder answer is that she needs to solve the problems that she has.

Definitely try some sort of volunteering which isn't too high pressure, such as helping out at a local primary school. They are always desperate for helpers! Kids are awesome and so accepting, and she will feel really useful and valued. This will get her out of the house on her days off and into a busy, fun environment. Also look into joining a choir, a pop type of choir. Singing together is so brilliant for mental health. Getting back into education sounds like it would be helpful but she could start with something relaxed and fun like a craft class of some kind rather than hugely academic. Good luck, she has you, so she has immense love and support to get her where she needs to be in time.

Can she do an evening course in something practical if she’s not up for full on college? There’s something to be said for specialising in something ‘boring’ like payroll etc etc… she could get a public sector/civil service job. They offer great annual leave and flexibility, and will often have lots of socialising too.

A very big hug for you and your daughter. I was very much her at 18. In my first job, I mostly worked with much older women who were very kind to me but naturally we didn’t socialise. I was struggling with the lingering impact of a horrible journey through school, with a lot of bullying and isolation. I don’t have a magic solution to offer, only support your girl to find what she really cares about - be it cats or crossfit, and then just do it. Find others who like what you like, they’re out there. She can drive, which means she can get out and find places to explore - on her own at first, then perhaps with others. We look to peers a lot for our identities when we’re younger, but character comes from taking time to work out who we are as separate people.

If she likes gaming you can find local gaming groups? My DD was quite similar all through secondary until she went to college and found her people in a gaming club. It's not all online, they do meet up and do table top gaming as well.