To be totally perplexed how to help my teenager have a life?!

[cookie4640]

Asking the hive mind here and going to try to keep it quick…

my DD is 18. School /GCSEs was disrupted by covid and eventually she dropped out of A levels too as it was too hard - not surprising when basic foundations meant to be taught and understood through GCSEs were basically missed.
shes always struggled with MH and depression since puberty started at 12. Kind of a geek kid rather than a drink / drugs /party kid.

so here’s the problem - she has zero friends.
she would love to make friends but doesn’t actually know how and has crippling social anxiety and over thinks everything. We literally couldn’t be more different.
how can I help her?! She goes to work but works with people in their 40s+ that have their own teenagers and don’t really get involved socialising. She has no hobbies and doesn’t find anything at all interesting - she said she just feels like she’s existing - she goes to work and hates it, then on her days off she does nothing and goes nowhere whilst she waits to return to work the following g day.
how can I help her break free of this cycle of whatever it is she’s in? All very well and good saying ‘get a hobby’ - such as what? What can a young lady do, where she can meet other people and make friends when her mindset is such that everything is dull and pointless. We’ve been back to the drs countless times and they even prescribed antidepressants once she turned 18 then she refused to take them.

she won’t take a walk or exercise, she doesn’t nourish her body and just eats shite - she’s slim and beautiful at the moment but if she’s blessed with my ahem metabolism I can guarantee that won’t last and she’ll sink further into self loathing.
honestly she would just sit in her room all day with her cat playing Roblox yet she recognises she’s miserable and wasting her life but doesn’t know how / where to start or what to do.

suggestions On a postcard please!
oh and she can drive and we live close by to a town.

Would she be up for volunteering at a cat shelter? Cats Protection round our way are looking for volunteers, plus some independent ones.

Wow thanks for all the replies im
blown away and genuinely grateful to everyone that has offered support and made a suggestion - thank you.

in my OP I didn’t mention her job is an apprenticeship so she can’t leave that until she’s finished - she tolerates it - she’s not crying and shaking at the thought of going in but knows for sure that as soon as she can start looking for something else she will. She’s only 4 months to go on it 💗
she has also had talking therapy through the NHS but she didn’t engage properly with it as it was all conducted over the phone and she is just so anxious on the phone she wouldn’t open up. No idea why because I love talking but then her aunty is phone anxious too and she’s a lot like her.
@PrincessOfPreschool yes she likes gaming and the majority of the time she is chatting to people online, I’ll suggest finding a local group, thank you. She is unhappy though as she comes and sits with me sometimes and we talk.
@ladycardamom CBT is a great idea! It helped with my spider phobia so could help here too. I’m feeling a renewed positivity that I will be able to help her. I think private counselling might be the way forward.
@flippertygibbet4 I 100% agree about singing, I just need to get her to engage and come with me. She has the most amazing voice and used to earn good money singing but she refuses to do it anymore and got rid of all her mics and equipment 😢 I’ll keep gently encouraging her to come with me

thanks again everyone you’re all so kind xx

Bless her, sounds like she's finding ife difficult. Quite a ot of the things you mention do hint at autism? Females mask very well and t can be difficult to spot, but struggling to socialise with peers, no real interests, general sort of fatigue about life, opting for a bland/not great diet, wanting friends but not really knowing how to form and maintain friendships, struggling with/not liking phone conversations, not particularly into fitness, perhaps feeling more at ease around an older generation bit then feeling on the periphery, gaming ...

Maybe have a look into it, the GP could help with an asd assessment although it does take time. Reading around a bit and researching yourself about females with ASD, there are lots of free online courses including level 2 understanding autism that might help you and her to understand her difficulties are quite common in autistic folk ... From there, you'd be able to look for local support groups that might attract similar mindee teens. Just a thought. I was very similar to this as a teen, never felt like I fitted in an always felt a bit sort of on the outside of life looking in, if that makes sense, unale to find my place.

Ignore me if you've already looked into this and discounted autism though, and my apologies for any offence caused.

Things that might help:
A therapy pet for sensory calming/relaxation such as an older cat

Spending time volunteering or helping in a nursery or l people home(ASD folk tend to relate well sometimes to the very young or very old and it may be an area of work she hasn't thought of)

Looking into relaxing/mindful hobbies she might enjoy that can be very soothing such as crochet, cross-stitch, or even mindful colouring/water-colour painting

A swimming pass or some kind of exercise equipment for at home if possible, as team spots and classes might be overwhelming / sensory overload but there may be some form of exercise she'd enjoy doing alone such as rowing machine, skipping ropes, weights with some links to online exercises that would help build her self esteem and release happy chemicals

Trying a little bit of cooking together at home and/or treating er to a little online nutrition course with videos and certification such as centre of excellence...

Best of luck, feel free to message me if you'd like to chat x

She sounds very depressed but doesn't seem to recognise it. I think in her current mindset she isn't going to want to do any of the things suggested. First step is get her to recognise that her own barrier is her mental health. Then support her in healing it, maybe using as others have suggested some alternatives to anti depressants like cbt, counselling and also convincing her to engage in some physical activity. Once she is feeling more positive she will be open to activities which open up her social life.

So, it's very very difficult when you're anxious or depressed, but the feelings of fear and of not wanting to do anything don't really change by themselves. And unaddressed, they cause your world to shrink, nibbling away at your comfort zone over time.
So you have to force yourself to do something consistently for a while, even if it's scary, even if you don't really want to or enjoy it at the time, and just trust that the fear will go and the enjoyment will come after some time. Gritting your teeth and doing it anyway because you know it's good for you. Expanding your comfort zone over time and in small, manageable steps, so there's more of the world you can exist and feel ok in.

It feels completely overwhelming when depressed, and I do sympathise, but unless you're one of the percentage of people that the meds work for, then you have to do it yourself (she has to do it herself) because there aren't other options. Therapy can support in this if she'd engage with it.

The (scientifically researched and proven effective) foundations for a healthy mind are: decent sleep, good nutrition & hydration, exercise, meditation and connection with other people. Being in green nature also scores pretty highly. So creating that in her life and then getting her to engage with activities which promote those things are the places to start.

If you have a bit of spare money, there's some quite interesting research on Flow Neuroscience as well, which is an electrical stimulation alternative to antidepressants - but it's only something I've read about and one friend is currently trying, so no personal info on that ATM.

Would she take a tech detox and get rid of the console for a month? Just being sat playing games I think is not a natural state for a late teen and just feeds the solitude and depression. She needs to do some exercise - could you suggest doing the couch to 5k with her? Do you have a local parkrun? It’s an incredibly supportive and fun event - social too, lots of young runners.
could you go away together for a long weekend? Barcelona? Lisbon? Or wales if out of budget etc? Just to give a bit of wanderlust, show her what’s out there? Get her out of an evening having a beer taking in a new culture. Some hiking, some art, new horizons etc - show her there’s more to life than the 4 walls of her bedroom?

There are some great suggestions here. I hope you find something that works.
I think she needs to find her "thing"....the thing she enjoys and gives her satisfaction. When she finds her "thing" it will likely lead to meeting like minded people who she can build friendships with. I think the best thing you can do is give her as many suggestions as you can and try and book things you can do together which may spark an interest.

For example, do a pottery taster session or look at the craft sessions at HobbyCraft. (Classbento has some good craft things you can do). Getting involved in something artistic can be very soothing and give you a lot of satisfaction.
You don't need to be very artistic - I'm not. I took up sewing things like bags which suits me better as I am a precise person and took it as a craft to learn. Would she possibly be interested in sewing?

Definitely try and encourage her to volunteer. How about Scouts? She could get involved with the little ones like Squirrels and Beavers if that suits her better.

I hope things improve. I'm in a sort of similar situation with my 20 year old son. He's at uni but doesn't do much other than that and watch football. I know he is going to spend all summer slumped on the couch watching footie despite my best efforts to get him other interests. He has a few friends but they make no effort to meet up and do things.
Life is very different for young people today isn't it?

Has she ever loved anything? Even as a child? Maybe back to that…

I think you're right that she's depressed and that a combination of anti-depressants and counselling would help a lot, if she's able to engage with these.

I think this can be a tricky moment for 18 year olds, especially if they see former friends going off travelling, to uni and they aren't doing the same. But the thing to reminder her of is that a)life is long and no one knows how its going to turn out for anyone, and b) that she's making some real achievements. She's nearly done an apprenticeship and she stuck it out even though it was hard and not what she really wanted. So she's resilient and determined.

Would she have a chat with you about short term and long term goals, and could you agree small steps towards each? A short term goal might be "attend a board games meet up (or similar) and talk to one person" but the steps would be even smaller e.g. look up meet ups, choose one, plan route, book ticket - she might need help with each. It might be easier for her if you have some goals too. Maybe an area of life you want to improve, something you want to try - could you ask her for advice?

I would also try to resist convincing her that an event, or hobby, or trip is going to be amazing/fun, when she says it will be dull and pointless. Maybe it will be dull and pointless - some things are. But what else would you do in that time? And if nothing else, you'll learn you don't want to do it again.

How about you both go and try new groups, volunteering, exercise and activities together. I am not suggesting forever, but to give support and it could be yoga, helping out with a local venue or theatre, scouts, park run, warhammer, St John, anything, but you help her on the first step. Don't worry about the ages first off, friends come in networks, just the act of communicating builds the confidence. Re. education, look at the OUs open learn and explore her options and look at the pathways, as to what next. I struggled with friends, but not real friendships, so go for quality over quantity. Small steps work.