To grieve over being alone like this, never being loved, and no end in sight?

[Yappa]

I have searched for love my whole life. Had lots of relationships, used to be quite attractive. I never found the right person for me. I’m now a single parent to a one year old and 38. For obvious reasons I can’t even date for the foreseeable future, nor do I want to. But I’m older now, I look older, I don’t have the same attractiveness as I once did. I feel so sad I have never been truly loved. Other areas of my life have been reasonably successful, but not this. I have never been married. Never even had a properly long term relationship longer than two years. I would have loved more than anything to have shared my life with someone. Bought a home with someone rather than doing it all myself. It feels like grief. How come everyone else found this? It’s so unusual to never have had anything long term, even if you eventually separate. I’ve never had anything to even look back on. I feel so sad and increasingly so as I get older.

Honestly I don't think this is as unusual as you think it is. Just because people are in relationships it doesn't always mean they have those things. I think many go through life having never truly been loved.

Completely understand where you are coming from. Think it is a kind of grief, grieving for the loss of the life you wanted and it feels very hopeless and lonely.

I have never been loved either (or not in the way I wanted to be). Coming to terms myself with that may just not exist. Xx

38 is no age. I know people who have found the love of their lives at all ages even into their 60/70s. Don’t give up hope. Try to make your life a really happy one without someone in it and then someone will come along.

Do some self love practice, start appreciating life, your health, your child and think about all the positives and what you would like to do that’s within your power to make your life more positive.

Aim to go swimming or running once a week.

Get out in nature with your child for walks and adventures.

Join a book club/dance lessons/art class.

socialise with family and friends more.

Once you stop focusing so much on finding this person that is when they come along.

I know several women who got into ltrs and marriages "later" (40s plus); don't write yourself off.

My widowed grandmother had a love interest in her 90s!

You're only 38 FFS.

So what, if you look older than you did. You're still young and love/romance/relationships don't have an age cut off. My sister's acquaintance remarried at 59 after divorcing (and her first marriage was awful).

No idea op but following as a lone parent who can't date as children's father doesn't see them so no days off. I've been alone for 8 years and feel sad I'm getting older looks fading and missing the best years of my life.

you'll know what love feels like as your DC grows up. You'll be the centre of their universe.

Do you care about other people in a generous way ? 'Being loved' sounds quite passive and I wonder if turning it around to trying to focus on other people in a positive way could help too but you may already have lots of healthy friendships. I too think you're so young so don't be discouraged. And work on feeling happy with simple things you already have as that inner cheerfulness can draw more and more positive things .

I was married for 20 years with two beautiful children - he left for someone that was everything I wasn’t. I was never ‘enough’ for him. I had the best group of girlfriends to lean on and when I finally took the plunge with online dating(for a little bit of entertainment in the evenings)I found a wonderful man who was everything that my exh wasn’t. I was nearly 51 years old. We’ve been together 5 yrs and married for 3. I have never been happier. Life is a journey and you never know where it may lead. My one piece of advice is to be yourself, so if/when the right person comes along you know they love and accept you for exactly who you are 💐

OP its really not too late. I met my DH when I was 46, got married at 47.

You already have the LOYL - your child.

It is ok to grieve for the life you thought you'd have. But 38 is no age. You could still meet someone and experience that love.

I came on to start a very similar thread then saw this one
OP you are 10 years younger than me - you have time on your side!

Some of it will be meeting your perfect match, but I think part of it is luck. Two people who fancy each other, being ready to settle down and be in a steady relationship at the same time.

And some of it will be people who have settled because they haven’t met that person, so have grabbed hold of the next person to show interest.

And some of it will be people who are deeply unhappy and are with their spouses because of circumstances rather than love.

You’re only 38. You have no idea what is going to happen in the next five years. And no, you might not be a Dolly bird in her twenties anymore, but you presumably won’t be wanting to attract young lads in their twenties either, so it’s all relative. I’m sure that if you had wanted to, you could have chosen a partner purely based on their desire to settle down and have a dozen children. Someone who would have been over the moon to have an attractive woman on their arm. But you didn’t because you recognised that it wouldn’t make you happy. You’ve done the right thing for you by not settling.

Why can you not date because you have a child? I have a friend who found a new partner while being pregnant with her exes child; another found a new partner even though she had three boys (aged 5, 5 and 6 months at the time), another who dated several men while raising her kids...

You say you are sad but at the same time you don't want to find someone. If you decide that you want to find someone and make an effort, there is a good chance you will find someone. Don't give up hope.

Why did your relationships not work out? Did you enter relationships with the right type of person or are you falling in love with men who are not serious about relationships or who are incompatible with you? Have you potentially been sabotaging yourself?

You say you feel old, but finding a partner in one's late 30s is not uncommon at all.

There's so many people out there in similar situations. You really aren't alone.

I'm 45 and I've never had a relationship that lasted more than six years. I got married at 39 and my husband left me a year after our twins were born. We'd been married a whole two years. They're nearly six now. I've been single ever since with no signs of that status changing.

I would have loved a solid lasting relationship. Now I'm so untrusting and wary. I actively dislike most men now. So many women I know in unhappy relationships. Even the ones I know in 'happy' ones make so many excuses and concessions for their partners. It's totally shit.

I have my DC though and my love for them gets me through the dark times.

I understand OP, I’ve been thinking the same and it’s even worse for me as I’m now 53. I’ve been alone most of my life except for three relationships that were each about 3 yrs long. Only 8/9 years of my life have I been with anyone and they obviously didn’t love me as they cheated.

I’ve never lived with a man either and always pictured buying a house and furniture together. It really makes me sad to know this is it for me. I’ve been single the past 9 years and I’m beginning to accept my fate, that maybe I was never meant to be loved.

Someone said upthread to do more with my own life and don’t focus on meeting someone to make me happy. I’ve done all that… been travelling, had time off dating etc. I’m not unhappy with my life either. But I am deeply and increasingly sad that I don’t share life with anyone.

I don’t feel I can date with a one year old as I have nobody to stay with my child and would have to trust a babysitter. I’m not sure I can do that with a one year old yet.

I guess you can meet someone later in life, I just feel my best years for that are really behind me now. I can’t imagine being able to focus on dating until my child is in school and by then I will be forty and unlikely to have another baby with someone which also makes me very sad

*forty two

Most of the people in your age group are divorced and so traumatised by it.... they would never marry again.

I think your situation is more common than you think.

Our society is not family based but more work and individualistic oriented for both men and women.

You seem very focused on looks.... finding love and companionship is not only based on looks.

Don't give up hope too... enjoy motherhood. As your child becomes older and more independent there will be more time for dating.

One of my friends had a baby after she split from the horrible dad and raised her single handed. Had a few short flings during that time. Met her current partner in her 50s and they have been together 15 years. It was just by chance. They have an amazing time together.

In the meantime my friend just got on with her life. Didn’t need a man. Parenting, building a strong network of friends and living life fully according to what was important to her. if she hadn’t met him she’d still have been content as she had built a fab and meaningful life.

You can’t guarantee you will find love, you might, but you might not. There is always hope, but live your life according to what matters most to you so you don’t look back and feel like you wasted it.

Also, just because people are married or in couples don’t assume they are happy. Lots are miserable and wish they were single!

I met my husband while pregnant and with young children too. I had come out of an awful relationship with my childrens father and really wasnt looking for anything. In fact I turned DH down for nearly a year because the timing seemed terrible and I didnt trust my judgement anymore. I was 33 and definitely feeling a bit past it 😅

OP, I would start with self love. Treat yourself how you would like to be treated.
Pick up a new hobby.
Eat well, sleep well, exercise.
Live your best life.

I just wanted to add that it’s fine to feel sad too. Your grief for the life you thought you would have is valid and understandable. Allow space for those feelings but don’t let them dictate what you do.

OP your child will be at nursery in 2 years and school in 4
40 and 42 is NOT old even though it feels it now
I thought it was when I was in your position at that age - now pushing 50 I realise it wasn’t!!

honestly, you have the best of all worlds! a lovely little one to care for, and freedom to be yourself and live your life exactly as you want. I am sorry you don't have a relationship, as that is important, but really, even my happiestly married friends envy my single life some or all of the time

I have had a 5yr relationship, a 4 and two 3. I'm a single mum now and feel the same in waves. Most of the time I feel quite lucky not to have the weekends dominated by some silly argument or feeling resentful because of something you have to nag to get done for eg. Other times I want to explore with someone or start a series, have the in-jokes. I miss sex a lot (always used to be the one asking for it) and I suppose I thought I was a catch for doing so much in the bedroom and would probably find someone who was happy with that. Now the idea of sleeping with most of the 40yo I see is a bit grim and a lot of them can't get it up anyway. I also realised my heart is too fragile for what men can offer. I never found a guy who could be faithful, who was honest, who really wanted to build something. Only one guy I was with didn't cheat. I feel like I was always the one giving love, support, encouragement and they just kept searching elsewhere for someone better looking all the time. It's exhausting and always felt like a dance to "keep a man interested" rather than something where you can relax because they also have your back. So for me it's probably 70% happy to be single with 30% would like decent sex/someone to help DIY/someone who actually wants to explore or holiday.