To grieve over being alone like this, never being loved, and no end in sight?

[Yappa]

I have searched for love my whole life. Had lots of relationships, used to be quite attractive. I never found the right person for me. I’m now a single parent to a one year old and 38. For obvious reasons I can’t even date for the foreseeable future, nor do I want to. But I’m older now, I look older, I don’t have the same attractiveness as I once did. I feel so sad I have never been truly loved. Other areas of my life have been reasonably successful, but not this. I have never been married. Never even had a properly long term relationship longer than two years. I would have loved more than anything to have shared my life with someone. Bought a home with someone rather than doing it all myself. It feels like grief. How come everyone else found this? It’s so unusual to never have had anything long term, even if you eventually separate. I’ve never had anything to even look back on. I feel so sad and increasingly so as I get older.

I met the love of my life when I was 47. He loves me wholeheartedly, he's kind, generous and when he was able he did the shopping, the housework and the laundry (while I went to work). We are older now - he is 75 with severe dementia and is in care; I am 68 and I visit him every day. No matter how bad he is (and he can be very violent indeed) he is always gentle and calm with me. We sit together and he tells me over and over again that he loves me. I tell him I love him, always have and always will. I have never felt so loved in my whole life.

So don't despair. I met him when he was sorting out parcels underneath a Christmas Tree - I've always called him my Christmas pressie. But you've got a long while to go yet!

I’m almost 40 and have only found my person in last couple of years. I still feel young too- cut yourself some slack. You still have plenty time to enjoy your little one and then start dating in a few years

I had DD at 23 now the same age as you and not dated in between. Sure I had bf at school and uni etc but never a proper 'man'. DDs dad was still in that gangly early 20s phase and now men my own age are often grey, balding and with a beer belly - not a judgement but very much adult men rather than 'teen' men. I wouldn't even know how to have a relationship now and lost all those years of learning how to cohabit.

What I gained though is so much more. My life is peaceful, there is no drama. You get used to being single. Your child grows up and becomes a fabulous companion, DD loves theatre, cinema and eating out. As she gets more independent so do I and am now free to pursue whatever interests me. Im fiercely independent and the idea of living with someone else now is not appealing. Lots of my friends whose children are now grown are struggling with their relationships and looking to possibly start from scratch now approaching their 40s.

Grieve for the life you thought you'd have. You've got a child which is one bonus, being childless when you want them I think is far more heart breaking than not having a man who might up and leave anyway. It will be fine, it just takes time to get in the swing of things especially when stuck in the neverending sleepless nights of a young child.

Going against the grain but I would say if you want it- go get it. Prioritise finding a relationship. Put yourself out there, make it a job. Don't leave it to chance. My dsis was single for a decade and it was really getting to her and she was just hoping to meet someone and trying to distract herself/ getting on with her life. It was only when she made a decision to start prioritising finding someone that it has now happened.

I’m In a similar situation to you, however I don’t feel the same. I’m grateful every day for my child, family, friends, job, house etc
I’ve always been a very independent person and love my own company. Some people don’t like living alone.
Try not to search for someone, if if happens it happens but you should learn to love you and your life first.

I don’t feel I can date with a one year old as I have nobody to stay with my child and would have to trust a babysitter. I’m not sure I can do that with a one year old yet.

In your heart you sound ready and open to the idea of dating again. And that is good.

As your child gets older go to some baby groups with the express intention of finding some trusted friends. As DC gets old enough for nursery you'll meet other mums. You can maybe babysit for each other then in the coming months/years.

You've got AGES OP. I left my first marriage in my late 30s and then found the love of my life and married him at 42. He had no kids of his own so we had a baby together (she's now 10). I had 3 already when we got together and he's a wonderful father, stepfather and now doting step-grandad!

You've got a full life ahead of you! Loads of time. Don't despair :)

I feel the same. However, am ten years older, no house, no career now either. 38 is young and you will look far better than you think. Therapy is helpful but I know it doesn’t change the luck element so many people seem to have. But there are far more people in your situation - and worse, so don’t feel alone. You never know what’s around the corner. That hope is what we need to focus on

38 is young. I wonder have your hormones recovered post pregnancy, I felt old prior to starting hrt, and once I started realised perimenopause had been affecting me since having a miscarriage in my mid 30s.

I understand how you feel, I'm just 40 and had similar feelings in my later 30s, single mum 4 children.

I worked on myself and dated. I got to. Place of being very happy and very boundaried.

I got to the point where I didn't care if I met someone or not. Then aged 38 I did meet someone. It took a long while to slowly establish but we are now in a really good place. We see each other once or twice a week which is a good balance.

What shifted thing for me was being a hundred percent confident in myself and stopped comparing myself to other couples some of which are likely very unhappy.

Life isn't what we always think it will be. Find a babysitter, date and also have one night per week doing something for you.if you find a great babysitter life does get so much easier!!

Don't create barriers for yourself, be proactive in reaching your goals and if that's to find a partner you need to actively do this, or more years pass you by and youl be more stuck.

A couple of my relatives have had later life relationships, so from 60 upwards, so it's not over til it's over! In both cases, their later relationships are 100% better than the men they chose in their early twenties, as they were not great, they just felt they had to settle down and have children. It must feel pretty relentless having a one year old on your own, and no wonder you feel tired of it all and a bit lonely at times, I do think though that quicker than you think your child will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, relative, mum friend, and you will be able to start going out more, just with friends or eventually dating.