Help me identify as a man (lighthearted)

[barbismyfriend]

I want to join a club that is men only.

There are a few men there that would really like to allow women but it's not happening yet.

I am chubby with big boobs and long blonde hair, what can I do to make myself look more masculine so I can claim to identify as a man?

You know, like men slap on a bit of lippy.

Not waxing my moustache and beard is NOT an option, I'm not desperate!

Just say you identify as a man, you don't need to do anything else. These days that's enough - you say it, they toe the line. Job done.

Exactly. If they push back, just shout discrimination.

He/him/his pronoun badge should do the trick.

I mean, you need to stop giving out tampons to strangers in the loo, for a start. That's clearly girl behaviour.

Scratch your genital area and fart constantly. You'll be straight in 😐

Earn a bit more.
Do less housework.
Have more fun.
Spend less time worrying.
Rearrange balls when they stick to your leg.
Take less care of your physical appearance, note looking like you've finished a Winter dog walk is a good look.
Do all the bigger, heavier jobs around the house.
Sort the household finances.
Be the discipline backstop with the kids if they don't listen to Mum.
Anything to do with the car or garden. This includes noticing if car warning lights come on, tyres are flat, car is leaking fluids or grass needs cutting.
Get a hobby or two.
Get a bike or three.
Understand how a thermostat works.
Don't take this list too seriously.

Spread your knees/legs out wide when sitting down, take up as much room as you possibly can. Always encroach on others personal space, especially if they are female, eg use both seat arm rests when on a plane.

Could you say you're a transwoman but biologically male?

Don't ask. Just shove your way in, even though you know you're not wanted.

That's as manly as you can get.

Literally this

Give professional women advice on how to do their jobs better even though you know nothing about said jobs.

Beans for tea then 😂

I think I look too feminine to get away with being a trans woman, but I suppose I could prance a bit a la Dylan mulvaney.. and pout.

I can pout. Not sure about prancing come think about it. I'll practice.

That's it.

Problem solved!

Thank you 🙂

Sit with your legs spread as wide apart as possible, ignoring anyone lumbered with sitting next to you. Scratch your crotch regularly and practice having a wee standing up, if that’s difficult, no probs, it’s perfectly acceptable to splash the floor.

This was exactly what first sprang to mind for me!

Talk in a loud authoritative voice at all times, but especially to other women. Make sure you talk over them when they begin squeaking in those girly tones they insist on using. If you don't know anything about the subject in question, talk even more loudly and no one will even notice. Brownie points for laughing at your own jokes.

Surupticiosly press yourself up against women at the bar and have a look down their cleavage over their shoulder. If they notice you doing this, just grin and say "just enjoying the view love" and give a little wink 😉

Leave mess and puddles (rain, beer, pee, wet teabags) everywhere you go.

Never ever assume it is your job to grease the social wheels, make people feel more comfortable, ask friendly questions about them and their lives to get a conversation going.

Well they go for a crude caricature of women, so we should do the same.

Strap on a prosthetic beer belly, wear an Arsenal T shirt, some jeans hanging down so you see the bum crack, and adidas trainers. Get a tacky stick on tattoo sleeve of said arsenal club, and a British Bulldog. Rub some red blusher all over your face. Add a very shiny gold chain. Spray an OTT layer of Kuros all over. Spray some fake sweat on your forehead cos you’ve never run for a bus, and you can’t take the heat. Stick a copy of The Sun under your armpit. A nice gold sovereign or 2. Make sure you’ve got a takeout from Greggs too. Walk into the room as if every woman on the planet wants some.

Don't forget to die earlier, pay most of the taxes, and be the first to get conscripted in the event of war 👌

Start mansplaining.

Wear shorts to show off your leg hair. Everyone knows women are naturally smooth legged, so they'll definitely think you're a man.

Tell women to smile, Cheer up love, it might never happen.

Be an expert in everything including things you know nothing about.

Get a wife or partner to so all the house stuff. Be a star by helping occasionally

Tell women to smile, Cheer up love, it might never happen

A man actually said that to me the day my mum died. Even then, I didn’t get a day off.

Try to walk through people on the street.