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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a gift for someone I don't know

33 replies

LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:22

Hello

Sometimes I struggle judging what is socially normal behaviour.

My friend can't meet with me today because her friend (let's call her Sally) is staying with her in an emergency circumstance.

I have never met Sally but apparently she got involved with a man recently who turned physical and attacked her. Hence she is staying with my friend for a short while.

When I heard this I felt so sad for Sally although I have never met her.

Is it weird if I buy Sally a bunch of flowers and a little note to say I don't know her but if she is a friend of my friend then she must be a good person, and she deserves good things and good people in her life. And leave that with my friend for Sally?

Is that okay? Is that weird? I just feel really bad for her and I don't want to just not do anything about it 😕

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/06/2024 13:23

I think it would be a bit weird. Sorry. I wouldn't.

WindowViper · 07/06/2024 13:24

No don’t do that. Sally probably doesn’t want reminding that she’s being talked about (however understandable), or want pity from strangers.

FunLurker · 07/06/2024 13:25

It's not that it's weird as such, I would be more upset that Sally had told you and that you had discussed it.

FunLurker · 07/06/2024 13:26

FunLurker · 07/06/2024 13:25

It's not that it's weird as such, I would be more upset that Sally had told you and that you had discussed it.

Meant the friend had told you about Sally

HaroldMeaker · 07/06/2024 13:26

No I don't think so though it's a kind thought from you. Sally quite likely would feel upset and exposed if she knows people are discussing her situation and feeling sorry for her. I think I would tbh.

Uricon2 · 07/06/2024 13:26

It's a kind idea OP but I wouldn't do this, certainly not the note.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2024 13:27

It Is overstepping she has enough to worry about than a stranger knowing her business I don't think it's appropriate.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/06/2024 13:28

No, don't buy her anything or send her that note, or any note - you don't know her and won't even be meeting her. It wasn't your friend's place to tell you private information either

MonsteraMama · 07/06/2024 13:28

It's a kind thought, but don't. She's going to be vulnerable and hurting, she doesn't need a bunch of flowers and note reminding her that she's going through something that's being shared with people she's never met.

Original poster
LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:28

Okay, thank you. Sorry I didn't realise. I'm glad I checked.

OP posts:
Mnk711 · 07/06/2024 13:29

I think it's kind but weird as others have said. If you're keen to do something how about dropping round a bottle of wine or some chocolates for your friend and Sally to enjoy whilst Sally is visiting, so it's doing something nice for both of them? Though if you do that do be clear you're not doing it just to be invited round, more that you wanted them to have a nice night given the circumstances.

Testina · 07/06/2024 13:30

If I were Sally, I would hate that you had been told about me! Even if I understood that a friend might tell you, I wouldn’t want my attention brought to it.
I’d find the flowers instrusive.
Even if I thought the flowers were a nice gesture and the feeling of being intruded upon was my own issue, a note telling me I was a good person? I’d find that odd, and patronising too.
It’s not even true… just because someone is friends with someone you like, doesn’t make them a good person!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/06/2024 13:35

Mnk711 · 07/06/2024 13:29

I think it's kind but weird as others have said. If you're keen to do something how about dropping round a bottle of wine or some chocolates for your friend and Sally to enjoy whilst Sally is visiting, so it's doing something nice for both of them? Though if you do that do be clear you're not doing it just to be invited round, more that you wanted them to have a nice night given the circumstances.

I wouldn't do this either, it's intrusive. Just leave them alone

BlackBean2023 · 07/06/2024 13:40

Nice thought OP but I agree that it might do more harm than good, especially if Sally felt she'd confided in your friend.

You sound like a kind person Flowers

Original poster
LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:50

Sorry 🙁 I am high functioning autistic and I didn't know. I feel bad now.

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/06/2024 13:50

Mnk711 · 07/06/2024 13:29

I think it's kind but weird as others have said. If you're keen to do something how about dropping round a bottle of wine or some chocolates for your friend and Sally to enjoy whilst Sally is visiting, so it's doing something nice for both of them? Though if you do that do be clear you're not doing it just to be invited round, more that you wanted them to have a nice night given the circumstances.

Agree with a pp, don't do this either @LilacCatt Terrible idea - sorry @Mnk711 Way too intrusive.

Wishimaywishimight · 07/06/2024 13:53

It's coming from a good place I know but it does feel a little patronising. I really wouldn't.

TheChosenTwo · 07/06/2024 13:57

They are very kind intentions but at the moment it’s best to just stay out of it.
You sound really thoughtful and lovely, don’t apologise, you asked and now you can hopefully see that it’s probably a bit much after she’d been through something really traumatic. She’s reached out to a friend but probably doesn’t want everyone knowing too much of her business.

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/06/2024 13:58

LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:50

Sorry 🙁 I am high functioning autistic and I didn't know. I feel bad now.

don't feel bad.

You didn't know, you asked for help and answers gave you a different perspective and made you decide what (not) to do.

Perfect way to deal with the situation!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/06/2024 13:59

LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:50

Sorry 🙁 I am high functioning autistic and I didn't know. I feel bad now.

Don't feel bad! It was coming from a good place, you weren't sure, so you checked what people generally would think if it were them. You haven't done anything, so no reason to feel bad!

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2024 14:01

LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 13:50

Sorry 🙁 I am high functioning autistic and I didn't know. I feel bad now.

Don't feel bad you asked we replied honestly. Your thinking of her was compassionate and kind.

hopscotcher · 07/06/2024 14:03

It's a nice thought, but not necessary I don't think. You could ask your friend to pass on your best wishes to Sally, if you think friend is comfortable with you knowing her stuff.

Original poster
LilacCatt · 07/06/2024 14:06

Thank god for mumsnet!

OP posts:
Timetocheersme · 07/06/2024 14:07

I wanted reiterate what others have said and I agree with them, but just want to say that you sound like a lovely caring person.

pizzaHeart · 07/06/2024 14:07

FunLurker · 07/06/2024 13:25

It's not that it's weird as such, I would be more upset that Sally had told you and that you had discussed it.

Yea, exactly this^
please don’t do this. Just be friendly.

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