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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baby shower blues

40 replies

UromasyxMum · 07/06/2024 09:58

I am 36 years old and 37 weeks pregnant (first time), and had a pretty difficult pregnancy with Hyperemesis, hypertension, a stressful job and a house move.

About 2 months ago my two best friends messaged me and asked for a list of names so they could organise me a baby shower. I hadn’t been expecting anything like that, but was really happy they had offered. With the house move and saving for maternity leave I explained I don’t have a lot of money, but would help where I can. I’ve organised a few before for friends and know how it can be a herding cats/costly type situation sometimes! I gave them some weekends I knew I was free, and basically said I wasn’t bothered about anything fancy, I just wanted to see everyone before I became a Mum, and do something to mark the occasion.

They both have busy lives with families of their own, and they said that if they couldn’t get everyone together, then the three of us would go out for afternoon tea closer to my due date. Which I was again more than happy about.

Anyway, fast forward to now. Ive just finished work and I’m on my first week of maternity leave, and I have been in and out of hospital due to the pregnancy induced hypertension. I’ve still been trying to get out and about and enjoy my last few weeks of being able to do this. However, I haven’t heard anything about a baby shower, or a get together since they asked for names. This weekend (as in tomorrow is Saturday) is the last of the possible dates I have them, and I’ve not been told about anything (not even in a secretive “it’s a surprise” way).

They haven’t mentioned a thing to me. I saw one of them yesterday (Thursday), and I had made plans to see one of them today (Friday), but unfortunately I’ve had to cancel due to another appointment being moved. I’ve now rescheduled with her for Sunday - which is the last date I gave them to have the baby shower.

Truth is, I am sad that nothing has been organised. I asked my Mum if she had been contacted about a baby shower and she told me she hadn’t heard anything. I really don’t want to ask them, as I am pretty sure nothing has been arranged and I know I will be gutted if that’s the case. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset? I never thought I’d have one in the first place, so it’s not like I’m missing out on something I expected I was going to get. I just think my hopes were kind of raised about having one, and now I’m in a situation where I don’t want to make things awkward by asking about it and seeming ungrateful.

Just wanting a sense check!

OP posts:
LunaBunaD · 07/06/2024 10:05

Organise a last minute one yourself! Just contact the people you want there and make it happen! You'll forever regret it otherwise. But yeah it's ridiculous of them unless there's a surprise pending, but I would absolutely have mentioned it to them to see what the plan was.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/06/2024 10:08

You won’t forever regret it, loads of women don’t have one. But if you want to do something arrange an afternoon tea with your mum and tell your friends as you haven’t heard anything about a shower they’re welcome to join you and your mum and you need to know by the end of the day.

GeckoFeet · 07/06/2024 10:11

Could it have been arranged for last night or tonight and you've just cancelled them?

Arrange it yourself though. Just make a WhatsApp group add everyone in and just say lets see eachother before baby arrives.

Londonrach1 · 07/06/2024 10:12

I don't know anyone who has them around here. I certainly didn't nor my sister or any of my mum friends. If you want one just organize one quickly but honestly you won't regret having one. I think you more upset it was mentioned and you got excited by it. Maybe meet a few friends for lunch somewhere..just a coffee shop or pub...

TorturedPoetsDepartmentAnthology · 07/06/2024 11:01

Absolutely arrange it yourself! Don’t need to call it a baby shower but throw yourself a pre-baby gathering. 😊

DappledThings · 07/06/2024 11:04

If you want an afternoon tea either those two just call them and organise it. Don't call it a baby shower, just see if they are free

Sleepingonamansionroof · 07/06/2024 11:07

LunaBunaD · 07/06/2024 10:05

Organise a last minute one yourself! Just contact the people you want there and make it happen! You'll forever regret it otherwise. But yeah it's ridiculous of them unless there's a surprise pending, but I would absolutely have mentioned it to them to see what the plan was.

Generations of women have managed without a baby shower. They are grabby and indulgent.

Bellaboo01 · 07/06/2024 11:08

Can you message them and say - i know you wanted to arange a baby shower for me and asked for names etc. Just wondered if you managed it as obvs i am due soon?

Or you could contact one of the people that you sent them on your list and ask if they have had any invite for a baby shower.

I never had or wanted one tbh but, i understand that other people do like them XX

cadburyegg · 07/06/2024 11:10

That's crappy of them OP. Sorry. They should never have offered if they weren't going to follow through with it.

Itneverrainsinsocal · 07/06/2024 11:16

Aw this is disappointing! I'd maybe message them and say "hey, I know we discussed a little baby shower for me a while ago. just wondered if you guys were still up for getting together? would love to see you both before baby comes, just a small afternoon tea somewhere local would be lovely... let me know what you think!"

if they reply and say they can't make it / haven't arranged anything... just be ok with it and maybe book something with your mum like a spa day or nice lunch.

did you go to their baby showers / organise things for them?

its so disappointing when you feel that your closest friends haven't made an effort! but there is never much to be gained from acting pissed off about it.... I'd just make sure you book something for yourself / your mum as a treat! and give them a bit of a cold shoulder for a bit lol x

Luxell934 · 07/06/2024 11:17

Do they have kids? Did you organise and pay for their baby showers?

LunaBunaD · 07/06/2024 11:19

Sleepingonamansionroof · 07/06/2024 11:07

Generations of women have managed without a baby shower. They are grabby and indulgent.

Why be so rude? The OP clearly wants one, so therefore she should just organise a last min one so she doesn't regret it. I didnt have one for either of mine so I clearly am not bothered about them, however OP is and really wanted one after her friends were apparently organising one.

SpringerFall · 07/06/2024 11:19

Why not just organise it your self?

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/06/2024 11:21

Sleepingonamansionroof · 07/06/2024 11:07

Generations of women have managed without a baby shower. They are grabby and indulgent.

Generations of women have managed without pain relief either, and without any rights.

Let's all try to be as miserable and bitter as we can shall we? God forbids women enjoy a bit of harmless fun.

LunaBunaD · 07/06/2024 11:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/06/2024 10:08

You won’t forever regret it, loads of women don’t have one. But if you want to do something arrange an afternoon tea with your mum and tell your friends as you haven’t heard anything about a shower they’re welcome to join you and your mum and you need to know by the end of the day.

The only reason I said OP will forever regret it is she is literally saying how sad she is that nothing is organised after she was excited thinking they were organising something. So she will likely always resent them not organising it and her missing out on something she clearly wants. I am not saying all women have to have them, I didn't have one for either of mine. That's not what I meant. But OP clearly wants one and is sad about the situation.

Anabella321 · 07/06/2024 11:24

It's not about whether anyone agrees or disagrees with baby showers. They told OP that they would organise one and they haven't. This is shitty behaviour. Most people would be disappointed by that.

I would ask them about it, just to have it on record that they didn't follow through for you and I'd organise a lunch or something myself.

I'm sorry that you were disappointed by them 😞

LunaBunaD · 07/06/2024 11:25

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/06/2024 11:21

Generations of women have managed without pain relief either, and without any rights.

Let's all try to be as miserable and bitter as we can shall we? God forbids women enjoy a bit of harmless fun.

Yeah MN is really odd about stuff like this aren't they. They despise baby showers so even though the post is not asking people's opinion on an actual baby shower, you always get people commenting on how grabby/tacky/blah blah blah. Like no one asked about that so bore off 🤣

FluentRubyDog · 07/06/2024 11:27

It's a massive faux pas to organise your own baby shower in any countries where its relevant.

I'd try to relax, maybe have a spa day to yourself and then perhaps throw a little party once the little one is here and settled (so NOT in the throes of postpartum chaos).

GucciBear · 07/06/2024 11:28

I counted myself lucky not to have one. Much nicer to meet friends for coffee or tea than host one of these money grabbing, vulgar American imports.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/06/2024 11:28

If they're your actual friends, YABU to not ask them what's happening about the baby shower they offered to organise.

It's just a very simple, basic question.

I would advise you organising your own or getting your mum to do it, but you sound to busy to have one really.

HcbSS · 07/06/2024 11:31

Sleepingonamansionroof · 07/06/2024 11:07

Generations of women have managed without a baby shower. They are grabby and indulgent.

This, and many even believe they are bad luck!
Unless you are American, forget the whole idea!

Itneverrainsinsocal · 07/06/2024 11:32

Don't really get people asking her to organise it herself... her two friends offered to organise it, even asking for a list of names, so she's been waiting to hear what the arrangements are. This weekend is the last weekend to do it before baby comes.. she was not expecting to organise it herself and there is now very little time left to do so!

not many people are going to be free tomorrow/Sunday if she sets up a whats app group right now asking for people to join, and it would look a bit odd and last minute!

I'm hoping there is a surprise in store for OP this weekend but if not, the only options are to ask the two friends if they are free to catch up, or do something with mum. the friends have been crappy!

YorkNew · 07/06/2024 11:33

As it makes you feel sad then arrange an afternoon tea or little buffet at your home for Sunday.

FluentRubyDog · 07/06/2024 11:33

Sleepingonamansionroof · 07/06/2024 11:07

Generations of women have managed without a baby shower. They are grabby and indulgent.

Just because it didn't come with pink/blue balloons and Nutella in nappies doesn't mean there were no baby showers before. In fact, vast majority of baby stuff was hand-me-down by a kind relative or a neighbour, accompanied with a pot of food and a natter. One of the causes of recent fall in maternal mental health is the fact that any sort of help of support has been replaced with hitting the woman with the "grabby" stick.

Itneverrainsinsocal · 07/06/2024 11:36

also I've never felt that anyone was 'grabby' at the baby showers I've attended. they've been for good friends who I'm happy to support during a nerve-racking and life-changing time... I feel genuine excitement for the arrival of their baby, happy to bring a little gift. at my own shower I said 'no gifts needed, just your company' but I did receive little things from baby grows to chocolates to books. people need to lighten up!

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