Baby shower blues

[UromasyxMum]

I am 36 years old and 37 weeks pregnant (first time), and had a pretty difficult pregnancy with Hyperemesis, hypertension, a stressful job and a house move.

About 2 months ago my two best friends messaged me and asked for a list of names so they could organise me a baby shower. I hadn’t been expecting anything like that, but was really happy they had offered. With the house move and saving for maternity leave I explained I don’t have a lot of money, but would help where I can. I’ve organised a few before for friends and know how it can be a herding cats/costly type situation sometimes! I gave them some weekends I knew I was free, and basically said I wasn’t bothered about anything fancy, I just wanted to see everyone before I became a Mum, and do something to mark the occasion.

They both have busy lives with families of their own, and they said that if they couldn’t get everyone together, then the three of us would go out for afternoon tea closer to my due date. Which I was again more than happy about.

Anyway, fast forward to now. Ive just finished work and I’m on my first week of maternity leave, and I have been in and out of hospital due to the pregnancy induced hypertension. I’ve still been trying to get out and about and enjoy my last few weeks of being able to do this. However, I haven’t heard anything about a baby shower, or a get together since they asked for names. This weekend (as in tomorrow is Saturday) is the last of the possible dates I have them, and I’ve not been told about anything (not even in a secretive “it’s a surprise” way).

They haven’t mentioned a thing to me. I saw one of them yesterday (Thursday), and I had made plans to see one of them today (Friday), but unfortunately I’ve had to cancel due to another appointment being moved. I’ve now rescheduled with her for Sunday - which is the last date I gave them to have the baby shower.

Truth is, I am sad that nothing has been organised. I asked my Mum if she had been contacted about a baby shower and she told me she hadn’t heard anything. I really don’t want to ask them, as I am pretty sure nothing has been arranged and I know I will be gutted if that’s the case. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset? I never thought I’d have one in the first place, so it’s not like I’m missing out on something I expected I was going to get. I just think my hopes were kind of raised about having one, and now I’m in a situation where I don’t want to make things awkward by asking about it and seeming ungrateful.

Just wanting a sense check!

When I say organise something, I mean sending a message out and whoever is available come round for afternoon tea or go for a meal or whatever. I dont mean throw a full blown bash with cake and balloons etc. I just mean a gathering before the baby is born.

Why? It's the same as organising any party.

Yeh I agree there is no time for the whole baby shower games, balloons etc, if it hasn't been organised already. but it's also very late in the day to organise a meal or tea for tomorrow/Sunday.. most people will have plans. Putting myself in OP's shoes, I think I'd feel too bummed to organise it myself at this point... her friends have messed up! that's just me though, I'm a sulker lol

NO!!! don't do that. If she wants one then she wants one.

Are you seriously comparing a baby shower to pain relief?! Come on, that’s ridiculous. If OP wants to see a few people before she has her baby, I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of arranging a lunch, because you ‘know, we have rights now and the ability to do such things.

OP, whilst it may be disappointing that your friends suggested this and then forgot about it, I’d assume life just got in the way. If you’d like a little meet up with people though, just invite them out for lunch, it really doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Thank you for all your comments - definitive me some perspective. My best friends children were born before I knew them (they’re 8 and 9), but since knowing them I’ve always been involved in their birthdays and got them presents at Christmas etc. and been involved since they were around 5 and 6.

I called another friend who was on the list and they said they hadn’t heard anything, and wondered why they hadn’t as they’d heard from one of my besties that they were going to organise something so they didn’t want to ask me in case i would have ruined a surprise for myself. So it’s all a bit of a mess to be honest.

ive reached out to them both asking if they’re free at short notice on Sunday so we can go for a last minute lunch out. I’ve given my head a shake a little, and I’m only really bothered about seeing the and having a bit of a celebration before little one arrives. I’m certainly not in it for the gifts or attention etc. I haven’t even announced my pregnancy on social media, and I’m debating whether I will announce the birth or not. Can appreciate the comments about baby showers not being the done thing, but I guess for me it was more around feeling a little let down.

It's not about whether anyone agrees or disagrees with baby showers. They told OP that they would organise one and they haven't. This is shitty behaviour. Most people would be disappointed by that.

This 100%. Very very shitty. I actually wouldn't bother with them for the next few weeks as it will just upset you. Focus on other friends and family.

Good for you in arranging a get together! You can’t let something like this ruin your pre birth weeks. As tradition in this country is to visit with a gift after the birth, Id expect them both to show their faces then, especially as you do things for their kids birthdays, and if they don’t, then you can reassess.

I hope you get to have a lovely time!

too Many on mumsnet looking down on baby showers like it somehow makes them better for not having one. I don’t really understand how it’s any different to a birthday party. I’m having one, I don’t give a shit if people bring a gift or not. Some people don’t want to or can’t afford it, some have given things already or will when the baby’s born. I just want a party with all my closest friends and family there, a happy event to celebrate.

your friends are behaving really badly op, they shouldn’t dangle the carrot of a party or an event for you then not bother, that’s really really crappy. You should query as above about the promised afternoon tea if nothing else.

I organised my own baby shower, when I decided I wanted one. It’s poor that they said they would and then haven’t followed through though, as you don’t have time to do it now! They could have just set up a Facebook event.

It's really shitty of your friends to do that and I'm not surprised you're disappointed.

When I got married I wasn't bothered about having a hen do but my bridesmaid persuaded me to saying she'd organize it. We decided on the date, I watched her write it in her diary, and I gave her a list of names of people I'd like there.

The day before I still hadn't heard from her as to where I should be and what time so I asked her what the plan was for the next evening. She'd only bloody forgotten!!

It got resolved in the end and I did have my hen do but I totally get how you feel OP. It's not the baby shower per se, it's the fact your friends persuaded you to have one by saying they'd organize it for you but haven't followed through. They've let you down and it's disrespectful.

I do hope you manage to do something nice even if it's not what you were expecting.

YANBU to feel let down by your friends. They obviously had intentions to organise something. It would be good for them to explain to you why it never came off. At least then you’ll know what happened.

I understand op as i was pregnant during the pandemic, so didn’t have/get a proper baby shower (tbh i don’t like them)but also didn’t get any kind of a gathering or celebration. Even a lunch out would have been nice, so i hope you at least get that :)

I don't think they should have offered it they weren't going to follow through. Even if a full babyshower was too problematic to organise, they should have definitely organised the afternoon tea version with just the 3 of you. How hard is that?!

Sorry op it must be disappointing. Why don't you suggest that you all get together this weekend?

I agree.

OP, I can't understand why you'd want to do anything with these 2 women after they've let you down so badly. They'd be the last ones I'd invite to anything after this!