What do you think about this- 4 year old saying hello back

[peppazboat]

I was picking up my DD 4 from preschool the other day, when another mum we know, said hello to her.

She explicitly said ' hello A'. My DD was distracted and didn't say anything back. I alerted my DD to the fact that her friend's mum had said hello to her and can she please be polite and say hello back. DD was still distracted and in her own world looking at some other stuff and didn't respond. I said it a few more times and she still didn't say hello.

Anyway the mum said, don't worry! When mine is like that I don't force her, I don't think we should really if they don't want to say hello.

I get not forcing children into physical contact, like ' go and give uncle Jimmy a hug ' or whatever, but surely there's nothing wrong with teaching your child manners, to say hello to someone we know who's said hello to them?

Am I missing some obvious reason why it's ok to just let your child be rude like this ?

Your DD didn’t say it though?

I think the other mum was just being polite to spare feelings and was giving you an out.

Don’t think it’s any more complicated than that.

She was just being polite so you didn’t feel awkward about your DD ignoring her

I'd encourage my child but at 4 lots are shy like this. Probably most.

By 6 I'd expect them to be a bit more polite to an adult they are familiar with.

Other mum was being polite

The other mum was being polite.

Your child was being rude as you have pointed out.

So what was your next move? Did you just expect the other woman to stand and wait? It isn't that important at this age.

I've actually seen her not encouraging her DD when I've tried to say hello. So I don't think she was just being polite.

4 yo are tired at the end of the day and many are shy. I agree it's good to model civility and prompt children but you'd have to be a maniac to get offended if a 4 yo didn't say hello.

I wouldn't have said that just to be polite, so not sure she was - I would have just said no worries, - but yes ideally kids should take part in the niceties of greetings

I don't think your DD was being rude, she was being 4.... and was otherwise engrossed.
If she refused to say hello maybe you've something to correct, but it didn't sound like that.
And also, some kids are very shy at that age so not saying hello is not down to rudeness.

I do think children should learn basic manners but i wouldn't have thought it was beneficial or necessary to turn that into a stand-off (never going to win a stand-off against a 4 year old anyway)

My DD is not shy at all. She was just distracted and tired I think.

But I still think it's important for her to learn this.

She's probably had the conversation with her DD 100 times in private.

It'll go in eventually, she probably just didn't want to make a big deal of it because she knows her own child, just like you know yours.

She was right not to judge your child or your parenting.

It's just a shame you've chosen to judge hers.

I don't force my sons to say hello back to adults because I know they're shy. Have you ever felt shy OP? As a child it can feel crippling and be mixed with anxiety.

As they're getting older, they're starting to say it back to familiar adults and I'm starting to encourage it more now that they can better understand what manners are, but they're still shy with strangers and I won't push them.

I'm hot on pleases and thank yous and they're gentle and kind children. I don't feel bad for not pushing them to say hello to people, they'll do it in their own time (shyness often gets better with age)

I agree OP that it’s teaching basic manners, although I wouldn’t make a huge fuss over it. I don’t like when parents allow their child to just ignore a greeting without passing any comment at all, even if it’s to say “hello” for the child if they are very young.

It's absolutely not a big deal.

Adults might say stuff to my 4yr old and he doesn't respond but I don't think adults generally expect much back from a young child.

I think it's weird you kept going on about it to your child.

When I was young I was painfully shy and the more my mum would try and make me say hello the more shy I would get as it became more awkward, especially if she'd say to the other person 'sorry, she's a bit shy'.

With my daughter I'm determined not to do the same to her so if she doesn't say hello after a couple of tries I just brightly say 'don't worry maybe later' and then choose another, more relaxed time to try and chat about why it's nice to say hello to people we know.

She wasn't being rude, she was being 4.

My DD is really outgoing, she's not a shy child at all. I don't force her, she's just very outgoing.

I'm just reminding her to be polite here. It's important to me.

This

I think you're expecting too much of 4 year olds!

So long as you're modelling the right behaviour (and can prompt them once if you like) that's more than enough and they will get it eventually!

Child can be shy and find it hard
Maybe not the case for your child in particular (although I bet it is!) but certainly the case for many other kids, including presumably this women's kid. So that's where she formed the opinion that it's not right to force them, as if wouldn't suit her child, so she doesn't do it

My daughter would have done the same at 4, she would barely speak a word outside of the house. At 13 she's perfectly polite and sociable, but avoids eye contact where possible.

Presumably it's something her child struggles with. If your child doesn't, then you're lucky, but hers does, so she understands how it goes.