What do you think about this- 4 year old saying hello back

[peppazboat]

I was picking up my DD 4 from preschool the other day, when another mum we know, said hello to her.

She explicitly said ' hello A'. My DD was distracted and didn't say anything back. I alerted my DD to the fact that her friend's mum had said hello to her and can she please be polite and say hello back. DD was still distracted and in her own world looking at some other stuff and didn't respond. I said it a few more times and she still didn't say hello.

Anyway the mum said, don't worry! When mine is like that I don't force her, I don't think we should really if they don't want to say hello.

I get not forcing children into physical contact, like ' go and give uncle Jimmy a hug ' or whatever, but surely there's nothing wrong with teaching your child manners, to say hello to someone we know who's said hello to them?

Am I missing some obvious reason why it's ok to just let your child be rude like this ?

She's 4. Give her a break. I remember hiding behind my mums skirts when a grown up spoke to me at that age

My friends kids never say hello and goodbye and are never prompted to. They come across as rude to be honest.

I alerted my DD to the fact that her friend's mum had said hello to her and can she please be polite and say hello back. DD was still distracted and in her own world looking at some other stuff and didn't respond. I said it a few more times and she still didn't say hello.

Major overreaction from you here.

If you're polite your DD will grow up polite too. She was just distracted at only 4.

The other parent was very polite to you.

Our 3 year old grandchild often gives strangers the Paddington stare when they say hello.

Good for them, I say. Why converse with someone before you’ve worked them out and decided whether you like them or not? I think we could all learn from young children. They go with their gut. Which is something many people on this site applaud and encourage when it applies to adults.

Well done OP. Lots of positive encouragement goes a long way and it's definitely politeness and manners.
My DS is extremely chatty and says hello to everyone on our way into school, the amount of children and parents who just blank him is astounding and I find it incredibly rude when parents don't even encourage their children to be polite back. It just shows that from a young age, they can be programmed to do as they want 😬. Sometimes the extra pressure, makes kids not want to do it even more though, could it be that?

Sorry, I disagree. That's how I choose to bring her up. I don't think I over reacted.

The other parent was either very polite or she didn't agree with my parenting, much like you.

I

I can't say I agree with this at all.

And she will learn it - over time.
That's what childhood is for. Learning a gazillion things! And as children learn they become.e more competent. They don't start out perfect.

The fact that a 4 year old doesn't have impeccable manners at all times isn't a failure - either on her part or yours. It's a developing skill!
She'll learn by you modelling it and talking about how other people might feel etc. Not by draconian enforcement. The other Mum may well be teaching her dd about being polite, but that teaching may not occur in public.

Ok so no one has yet come up with any reasonable argument why I shouldn't encourage my child to keep being polite. She usually does it anyway.

I haven't missed anything major clearly, it's just parenting preference. I was worried I was seriously missing some sort of safeguarding thing. But I don't think that's the case.

Thanks for your views.

Octavia64
The other mum was being polite.

Your child was being rude as you have pointed out.
Rude is a bit extreme- she was 4 and distracted. She’s just a child!

There are parents who believe you shouldn't tr and make their kids do normal polite interactions if that makes the child uncomfortable. It's basically the same logic as, you don't have to hug granny. It doesn't matter that these are both safe things, the child's feelings of shyness are seen as more important.

I think it tends to create anxiety long term, it basically reinforces to the child that even innocuous situations and safe people are potential dangers.

I think it's worth considering that as well as raising a polite child, you want to raise a child that doesn't grow up thinking all adults are 'right' . Children need to be critical thinkers and ultimately need to be confident to protect themselves. So reflex compliance is not necessarily in a child's best interest.

I wouldn't keep trying to force it if it was my child.

I think the issue lies with you. It's stressing you out and you're projecting that onto your child and this woman. Maybe ask yourself why that is.

You're being way OTT. Mine are 6 and 4 and I'd gently encourage them but not force the issue at all. If another child didn't say hello to me I wouldn't even notice.

I'm all for strict parenting in most cases, but telling your DD in front of the other mum that she was being rude seems a bit much, and only likely to embarrass a small child further into silence.

‘Your child was being rude’ —— hmmm not sure I agree with that. To be rude there has to be intention really. A 4 year old has basically only just learn to talk/not poo themselves/not snatch etc etc etc really if you think about it. They’re not fully formed adults. It’s a process. I don’t think it’s that deep OP really. Kid didn’t say hello to random person. And if she’s an actual family friend she won’t hold it against your tiny DD eh?