To want to leave Depressed/Dementia-suffering partner?

[Charlysunnysky]

My partner, who is 53 (I'm 52 and we've been together 34 years), has become very moody, angry and forgetful over the past 18 months. I’ve tried to speak to him about it and encouraged him to see the GP but he understandably gets very agitated – he’s not seen a doctor for 5 years or more, and is very much against anyone doing what he sees as ‘looking for trouble’.

We have 2 children aged 16 and 23, both living at home. Our 23 year old son J stammers and is reclusive. They don’t get along well as my partner (his dad) is very judgmental, dismissive and belittling of him, and my son drinks to cope with loneliness and low self-esteem. I’m encouraging our son to get help for his MH and drinking (I have given him lots of contact details and explained a bit about what he’s be able to access that won’t be too daunting). I’ve also encouraged him to join a badminton group recently which will hopefully give him a boost through exercise and socializing. My partner is kinder and more supportive towards our daughter A, who is very bright, sporty and currently doing her GCSE’s.

I’ll be honest, if it was just me and my partner, I’d have left by now. When he forgets things and gets angry, he takes it out on me, blaming me for not reminding him, and being unreasonable. It would be tough to start again on my own as I’d get little support and likely some pushback from my dad (my only other family) who is very much ‘till death do us part’ having had an unhappy marriage to my mum until she died 25 years ago from MND. I think my partners family would also be unsupportive – my partner is very accusatory and rants quite a lot – he would definitely rubbish me to his own family.

He would also make life very difficult for me I think in terms seeing J and A, and financially too. I have hinted at the possibility with J & A when they have been angry or upset over their dad’s outbursts (which are rare in front of them), that perhaps it might be a good thing if I looked at getting somewhere else to live as perhaps a trial, because they’d have to have somewhere else to go, but they are both very opposed to this – they think it will make matters worse for everyone.

I got through the last year by spending less time with him, going running or volunteer dog walking, as his negativity is draining, but I saw our relationship was getting worse as a result. Instead, I play tennis with him each evening which seems to help. But if feel like I’m just marking time, and whether it’s early onset dementia or depression, it is unlikely to improve without help. I have nobody to talk to about this, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting more for myself.

You cannot diagnose him.
He goes to gp. Or not.
You cannot cure him.

Either way make a plan eg rent something and leave
Waste of time sticking around

He needs to go to the GP.

I agree with the first bit (and the second, in theory) but in practice I would break so the hearts of people I care about, and my own.

Plus I don't earn enough to do it on my own. I couldn't cover rent, let alone bills even though I work full time.

Your children are understandably wary of being left with an angry mzn.
Forget your father or in laws, they are not enduring this.
Get organised and get out.
If he will not help himself, save yourself.

He absolutely does. But part of his illness I think is denial. Unless he has some sort of incident/injury/breakdown it will just go undiagnosed because it's relatively high functioning.

I agree, and also being without a mum who is very much present in their lives right now. In their shoes, I'd absolutely not want my mum to be leaving. Which is a big factor in me sticking it out.

In typing this I realise if I give myself time to save a bit of money, this means J and A will be older and hopefully in a better place. The house is in joint names but my partner didn't want to get married, and I wasn't going to put any pressure on him as we were happy.

I think there will be World War 3 trying to split assets and I will come off worse because we aren't married.

Why on earth would you be worse off?

You don't actually have any idea whether he does have either early onset dementia or depression. For all you know, there could be absolutely nothing 'wrong' with him - or there could be something completely different wrong with him, including something physical like a brain tumour or any number of other things. Until he actually sees a doctor, you just don't know.

However, you can still absolutely leave him if you're unhappy. Personally, given that he bullies your adult son and generally behaves pretty badly, I don't understand why you haven't left him long ago,

You say he would make it 'difficult for you in terms of seeing J and A'. I don't understand what you mean. J and A are 23 and 16. Access arrangements don't apply to a 23-year-old adult! And there's not really any way he can realistically stop you from seeing a 16-year-old from seeing you either - even in the highly unlikely event that he took you to court, they wouldn't ever in a million years force your daughter to live with him and neither would they impose conditions on her to see him.

Talking to your grown-up kids about 'getting a place to have somewhere else to go' is not helping because you're basically just saying 'Shall we have a bolt hole so I can run away from dad whenever he annoys us?' rather than 'I can't cope with living with your father any more because his behaviour is just too aggressive and I think it's in everyone's best interests if we separate, and I would like you both to live with me.'

It's irrelevant what your own father, or your partner's family, thinks about this. What 'help' do you think you need from them? Financial support, or what? Because you obviously don't need childcare for a 23-year-old and a 16-year-old. In terms of child maintenance payments, that doesn't apply to J and will also stop applying to A when she turns 18 anyway.

You entitled to half the house

Not his pension nor him of yours

Do nothing carry on be miserable

Or take control of your life and offer dc an alternative home

Look into what you can afford to rent does not need to be big

@chaosmaker Guilt over leaving, making my children's lives worse, financially, I'd be lonely I think too cutting myself off.

Why do your children have to stay with him? Does your adult son work? Would they move with you? It is never good to stay in a relationship that is damaging you for any reason. It won't necessarily make your children's lives worse! Also why should you have to be the one to leave the house you both own?

@cestlavielife I'd want to stay local for my job and the DC and rents are so expensive. Staying with my dad would be the best option but he won't entertain the idea as he's not on board with people splitting families up.

Why do you think this, they aren't married..

@KreedKafer Thank you. It's really valuable to have all of that to sink in.

I'm just really scared of leaving and it being worse for everyone - I really want to try to make it better here, working with him. I honestly don't think he's just evolved naturally to become a difficult, angry CW. I think there's something wrong with him medically. Like a hormone imbalance at the very least. I'm on HRT and it makes me SO much better. It's a pity he can't do the same.

Your DC are 23 (an adult) and 16 (two years until she's an adult), so making a plan now for you to leave at some point in the future is a good idea. You may be entitled to some financial support from the state if you leave. This website will show you what you could claim if you're a single adult: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

As for your judgemental DF and ILs - bluntly - fuck 'em! They don't have to live with your miserable DP.

OP, you get one life. Just one. Every year is precious. Don't waste yours living in a miserable situation, because you're so afraid of what others will think of you. There are many people on MN who will help you to plan how to leave, if you ask. I've seen many posts over the years just like yours and the wonderful women on here will help you to strategise, plan and save. This really doesn't have to be your life

@Orangesandlemons77 because the house is in joint names?

Can you rent with your eldest son, and invite the daughter who might want to do 50/50?
It might be good for your son to get away from his dad.

J needs to get a job , he should be able to support himself, he is an adult. If he was earning, his income and yours together would give you a better housing budget.

@cheezncrackers That's so very kind. It gives me some hope too - thank you.

@molotovcupcakes @Allthegoodnamesarechosen Thank you. That's a workable solution. J is working, though his hours are variable but together, we could do that.

Personally I think you need to focus on your kids, especially your son. He might improve in a lighter household. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved

I want to spend the next couple of years seeing what I can do to persuade partner to get help, be it GP or self help. And put money aside in the meantime. Life isn't all miserable. I'm at work 8-6 and can take myself off in the evenings - I just don't like the flashpoints when they happen and it's the worry he's getting worse.

@gamerchick I agree. I think although he's an adult, he's still my son and just as I'd help my dad or a brother or friend if they were feeling down and using alcohol to cope, I support him.

TBH I'm not getting illness from what you have described of your partner. The fact that he can treat your daughter well, but not you or your son makes his behaviour seem more like abuse. It is not up to you to fix your partner.

If you own the house jointly with your partner, it can be sold when you split or he can buy you out. This gives you options. If your son is drinking to cope with his father bullying him, he should not stay in this toxic environment. From what you have described, the sooner you all can get away from this dreadful man, the better.