To want to leave Depressed/Dementia-suffering partner?

[Charlysunnysky]

My partner, who is 53 (I'm 52 and we've been together 34 years), has become very moody, angry and forgetful over the past 18 months. I’ve tried to speak to him about it and encouraged him to see the GP but he understandably gets very agitated – he’s not seen a doctor for 5 years or more, and is very much against anyone doing what he sees as ‘looking for trouble’.

We have 2 children aged 16 and 23, both living at home. Our 23 year old son J stammers and is reclusive. They don’t get along well as my partner (his dad) is very judgmental, dismissive and belittling of him, and my son drinks to cope with loneliness and low self-esteem. I’m encouraging our son to get help for his MH and drinking (I have given him lots of contact details and explained a bit about what he’s be able to access that won’t be too daunting). I’ve also encouraged him to join a badminton group recently which will hopefully give him a boost through exercise and socializing. My partner is kinder and more supportive towards our daughter A, who is very bright, sporty and currently doing her GCSE’s.

I’ll be honest, if it was just me and my partner, I’d have left by now. When he forgets things and gets angry, he takes it out on me, blaming me for not reminding him, and being unreasonable. It would be tough to start again on my own as I’d get little support and likely some pushback from my dad (my only other family) who is very much ‘till death do us part’ having had an unhappy marriage to my mum until she died 25 years ago from MND. I think my partners family would also be unsupportive – my partner is very accusatory and rants quite a lot – he would definitely rubbish me to his own family.

He would also make life very difficult for me I think in terms seeing J and A, and financially too. I have hinted at the possibility with J & A when they have been angry or upset over their dad’s outbursts (which are rare in front of them), that perhaps it might be a good thing if I looked at getting somewhere else to live as perhaps a trial, because they’d have to have somewhere else to go, but they are both very opposed to this – they think it will make matters worse for everyone.

I got through the last year by spending less time with him, going running or volunteer dog walking, as his negativity is draining, but I saw our relationship was getting worse as a result. Instead, I play tennis with him each evening which seems to help. But if feel like I’m just marking time, and whether it’s early onset dementia or depression, it is unlikely to improve without help. I have nobody to talk to about this, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting more for myself.

Sorry but if you want to do the best for your children like you say you do, you should have left ages ago. If my husband bullied our DC I’d be out the door and be getting DC in a better household. Seems like a lot of DS issues is because of DH.

My partner has some cognitive problems although he's a lot older. He's not yet bad enough for the gp to care much. It can be very frustrating. I have considered leaving but it's just too complicated. I try to let as much as possible wash over me and have an amount of time away from him doing hobbies etc. There are days when I do struggle though and lately I will tell him that today is not a good day to be an arse and to get out of my hair. He has gradually learned to take the dog for a long walk. I console myself by delegating dull jobs that he can't mess up although I know I shall have to check

Who is betting the son would do better away from his father?

I bet if he just lived with just you OP he would flourish!

I can’t see it being worse for everyone living without him- by far the opposite.

Why not dig out your house/ mortgage paperwork and see a family solicitor for some legal advice about what you’d be entitled to on the sale? You might be surprised.

Defintely check what benefits you’d be entitled to as well. Again you might be surprised.

Consider moving across an area or 2- most people need to commute to work and realistically you don’t need an easy commute for childcare- you have an adult and a nearly adult child.

Also this is incorrect - you might not be entitled to half the house. Get your paperwork together and speak to a solicitor who should be able to advise you.

Does your partner have a job? If so, is there anyone outside the family you could talk to, to see if they think he has changed and become more moody and forgetful? It’s possible your partner is aware of his own diminishing mental acuity and is frightened by it, which is why he gets angry when he forgets things. Whatever you decide to do, he can’t stop you from seeing your children - but if you leave, you might make life very difficult for them. I think you need to stick it out until your daughter finishes school - and try to get your husband to see a doctor ( easier said than done, I know).

I hope if I get dementia I am not abandoned by my DH.

I get that it's hard but that's part of the deal in a committed relationship.

Would it be possible to explain to your partner's family that you're worried about his health and change in behaviour? They may be able to help persuade him to get checked out medically. Likely in the first instance a GP would check bloods to exclude any physical cause before considering a diagnosis of depression or early onset dementia. If he won't go, you could inform the GP surgery of your concerns and ask if they'd consider calling him in for a 'routine' health check https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/nhs-health-check/
Hope you find a way forward x

There’s more to life than this.

Don't waste any more of your life on him.

The dh is not diagnosed with anything as yet
Op is making assumptions but maybe the dp has nothing medical going on
And op can leave for any reason

Nobody has any idea whether he has dementia at all, or whether that’s at the root of his behaviour.

Also, even if he does, that doesn’t mean he’s actually nice person underneath it. Unpleasant people do get dementia too, you know.

It would appear that he’s been a complete shit to his son for a long time now, which frankly is reason enough alone to leave.

If he's abusive towards OP and her children, then its not a committed relationship and he hasnt kept his part of the deal presumably.
Its not totally abandoning him, they could still help if he is sick and he can have carers, but its moving households to protect themselves.

In your situation I would get legal advice in regards to your home. I would look into any benefits that you could be entitled to also if you were to leave him.

I would take a day off work when your partner is at work and get the locks changed on the doors. Pack up all his stuff and be outside your front door when he comes home.
Tell him it over between you and he can move elsewhere because you had enough of his behaviour and verbal abuse.
Tell him to leave or you will ring the police.

The reality is that you had 2 kids with him. He did not marry you. He making your life a misery and is verbally abusive to you and your son. It's not a good situation for you or your son to be in. Why should you hang around to put with this behaviour or end up caring for him down the line? The reality is that you can't stay in this situation to suit him or your family members.

I have a friend whose mother is showing signs of cognitive impairment. My friend was given very little support when they needed it by their mother. They have gotten lecturered and taking verbal abuse from her also. Along with this the mother refuses to listen to any good advice she has been given and complains a lot.
After the last outburst my friend has had enough and is making plans that wont suit the mothers care needs going forward. My friend is doing this to put themselves in a better position both financially and mentally.

He's young enough to find someone else, if that helps you feel better about splitting up. Someone he may be happier with. And you certainly are too.

You can split up with him.

You own half the equity in the house.
Why are you assuming the kids can't/won't come with you if you leave? I'd bet money DS will and will find work to help support you (and will do much better without him).

Work on plans to leave. Use the fact you're not married to your benefit - your savings are your savings, not joint assets. Check whether you are tenants in common or joint tenants of the house, and what the options are for forcing a sale/him to buy you out. Do you have joint savings? etc etc.

Thank you for your messages it gives a world of perspective to see this through someone else's eyes. I feel I've really overstated his attitude to our son - he's not the father I would like him to be towards J - my partner is the youngest of 6 older children and his father died from cancer when he was just 8 months old. According to his sister, he was overindulged by mum and disliked by the siblings as a result. The result is that he only sees the world through his own perspective, used to getting his own way, hasn't seen how a father/co-parenting works well and is antisocial.

He was a good dad though up to about 4 years ago though. Wouldn't do anything he didn't want to do though to bond with J, but if J fit in with him that would be fine. They do things together though, and when I said they didn't get on that was misleading and I apologise - J says he can see he isn't the son my partner had hoped for and my heart broke for him to hear that but they watch football together, go on bike rides etc. He does talk down to us sometimes though and I'm sure this is only in the last couple of years - it's like he's become angry and cantankerous.

On a side note, our daughter was suddenly taken ill with pneumonia 2 months ago and he stayed every night in hospital with her while I took on the day shift - she was on an adult ward and scared to death. I can't tell you how much of a support he has been through this and yesterday she got news she is at least a CF carrier (I knew I was and that he isn't prior to conceiving) and more tests will be needed to see if she has delayed onset CF and he was very helpful in putting that in perspective. If I'm reasonable - he will be also.

It was just to explain why I haven't left already and why I need to think about this and plan what will be best for us all, not just change the locks.

@Mrsmooja he has very little contact with his siblings and I have next to none. It would be really odd for me to message them and say I'm worried about his health and change in behaviour and will they see if he'll go to the GP, because it will come out I went behind his back when I failed to convince him to go.

I absolutely get that if I was very close to, for example his sister and could casually drop it in, and she was equally close to him, she could have a little word, but unfortunately it won't work here.

So you’re just going to live your life in a way that pleases others, others that don’t care about you being happy? What a waste. Sorry OP, but that’s really very sad.

@Notthatcatagain I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it seems like the best way to go forward while I work out if and how I'd part company.

He gets arsey when I delegate, but if I ask very nicely and explain why I need something he will generally do it. I just sometimes get annoyed that I have to sweet talk. His mum absolutely loved being a full time housewife with 6 kids - she lived for cooking and doing everything herself - would never let them help, never mind do any chores and add to the fact he was (according to the siblings) completely overindulged, makes it tough to get him doing anything he doesn't want to do.

Having said that I called to ask if he would like to hire ebikes for him and J to explore the peak district next week and he said he was up to his neck in ironing.

This is why it's not clear cut. I don't like the flashpoints but it's not always like that. I feel like if I try to manage the situation a bit better, it could work a lot better.

I think I just need more time to think about my own part in this and see if there is a better way to manage the scene before I split it up.

I'm not in the headspace to manage this with A's CF test results either.

And I'm always best to plan things, not just leave and think about how I'll cope afterwards.

I did a course with MIND recently over 3 months and realised I don't have to rely on others for happiness. He isn't stopping me seeing my friends, having hobbies, etc

Ironically, I can do far more if I'm not scraping by to make ends meet in my in my own place. I just don't want to be creeping about, trying avoid flashpoints as there's a chance he may get worse.

You do not have to live together and manage him

He can be there for his dd whether or not you living together

Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 ?

He's not your responsibility to manage. I have zero time for people who won't get help when everyone can see a problem apart from them. And if there is something wrong, it isn't going to get better... only worse.

You don't need anyone's permission to leave him.

Understood. I'm sorry you are in the position of juggling all these things at once. It sounds like you're being very thoughtful about the best way forward for everybody. For some reason, your situation and approach has really touched me. I hope all turns out well for you and your family.

Yes, I know people co-parenting, some more amicably that others. And I've been part of that journey as a friend/colleague. It puts me right off to be honest, as even those who now have a more harmonious situation, had some very tough days/weeks/months where a happy future seemed impossible. I was with 2 friends on Friday who have both left their husbands and both said if they had their time over they would have done things differently (one said she would have stayed, the other not so sure but would have tried harder). It gave me a bit of insight and I think the time away also helped so this weekend I was nicer to my partner and he wasn't at all grumpy or irritable. Of course this is just a snapshot in time, I doubt we can keep this up for the rest of our lives, but it showed me that I'm too much of a passenger in my own life. I need to be more proactive if I want to be happy and secure, living with my family/partner or living separately. I will look at what I have/would do if I moved out but I also want to see at how much of this can be improved - I think I'm letting a lot of this happen and I could do more to inspire and encourage both J and partner. I get that it's not all down to me but i still think I'm not doing as much as I could to help myself and them. I also see a lot of people on MN for whom getting away is definitely the right thing, and despite the tough yards, they make a success of it. I've realised I'm at that I'm at that point yet.

Ideally in 5 - 10 years I'll have worked on my financial situation and be in a position to retire, and spent the time in between adding to my hobbies and investing in my friendship groups so I have lots of social things and most of all continue to look after myself physically & mentally which will include monitoring the situation at home and realising what can be improved, and when it's at a point where we are better off apart.