I think you're getting a really hard time to be fair OP so I'm going to give you a real answer.
First of all it's all in the prep. About three months before your afternoon tea (earlier if possible) find yourself an insane boot camp thread on MN.
Follow the strict advice for the three months leading up to said date (you know, eat a lot of dust, that sort of thing).
Eat NOTHING for the 48 hours before the gluttonous feast (though you can suck on an ice cube if you're desperate, as long as you spit out the meltings).
On the day, swathe yourself in scarves and a large hat so as not to be recognisable to those with normal appetites.
Attend event. Gorge on afternoon tea but please note that you may find yourself silently weeping as you do so and you may have to pop to the toilet to flagellate yourself occasionally with a celery stick (save the celery - I'll come back to it later).
After ordeal, proceed as fast as your now enormous bulk will allow you to the nearest Catholic Church (note: members of the public may shriek and jump into bushes/oncoming traffic in horror as you thunder past).
Ask priest for absolution. (This may not be granted. He may also vomit. Holy water may evaporate).
Go home and retire, crying and shaking on floor. (Bed will no longer take your weight. Floor may bulge).
In about a month's time, your poor body may finally have processed the rancid sewage from your sweating, living corpse.
At this point you may suck on the celery stick you saved earlier.