Lego-gate AIBU

[GrudgeJudy]

A few weeks ago my MIL told me something that really pissed me off.

Rewind 20 years and I had my first baby. We were visiting PIL and my MIL got out a few boxes from the loft and proceeded to show me an amazing collection of Star Wars toys from the 70’s, those metal cars in boxes and a mountain of original LEGO. Then she brought out beautifully knitted cardigans and accessories. How nice. All my DH’s things from the past, lovingly kept.

Then, my MIL told me - just to be clear, these aren’t for your children, these are for my DD’s children. You can’t have them.

I wondered, why the hell would you show me them to me if that’s the case, and since she has form for being nasty, I replied - Don’t worry, my DC won’t go without.

So, fast forward 20 years and 3 boys later and my PIL recently moved to a bungalow. She said she has had to sell or give away all the toys because no one has used them. Her DD never had kids.

AIBU to think this was pretty shitty. If we had been given the items we would’ve loving used them and kept them in good condition to pass on to SIL when the time came. They were, also, my DH’s toys.

AIBU to be annoyed by this and to think that I don’t appreciate my MIL playing favourites with imaginary DGC?

The only reasonable explanation is she needed the money so she sold them. If they were all in boxes they would be worth a lot. Presumably if someone plays with them it depletes the value? If it's not that then she's just petty and rude.
The toys were her son's, but she's refusing to give them to him or his children?
Very mean and bizarre.

Sounds like some made up scaremongering. I think the only harm Lego causes is by treading on it in bare feet.

Very nasty behaviour from her.
Now you know how she feels about your side of the family, remember that if she needs any help or caring in future.

Some people are missing the point here. Whether or not OP's children wanted the toys, MIL made a point of showing OP the collection then saying "these are not for YOUR children", because she was saving them for the kids her daughter didn't even have, but who she already favoured.
It's unpleasant at the best of times when GPs favour one set of GC, but rubbing OP's nose in it like that takes it to another level.

Your DH should have claimed any of his old toys back when you were pregnant. If the Lego was his he should have said so. Old Lego especially if in original boxes is worth a lot of money. I've kept a couple of bits of toys my DC had. Only my DD has given me grandchildren and both DS's don't want DC but I've given my DD one of my DS's Brio train tracks and trains after asking my son if he wanted to keep them and he said go give them to nephews. They are still in good condition if DS ever changes his mind about having DC but I very much doubt it as his partner has 2 almost adult DC and doesn't want more.

🤣so painful if you stand on it.

@FictionalCharacter exactly. This is more about the mother in law being a total cow.

How has she treated your now adult/near adult DSs over the years? Do they have a good or close relationship with her?

Did you DH broach the subject with her 20 years ago (eg ask his mum why his existing children couldn’t play with his old toys)?

Did you say anything when she said she had to sell/give away because “no one had used them”? I’d have been tempted to give a very polite but pointed “oh yes I remember you said they were not for DH’s children only for his sisters” (and say your DH’s name not “my children” as it’s the link to DH that she needs to feel!)

I wonder how she feels 20 years of hindsight. Does she regret being so ridged (aka mean) and insisting the toys were for the daughter’s children only. Especially given no such children appeared. She had 3 grandsons who she choose to rank as second best to imagined never existing grandchildren from her daughter. She must feel a tad silly about that now.

I wouldn’t engage. I’d feel pity for her. Reap what she sowed and all that. I’d not be close with her or caring for her in old age assuming she’s been of a similar nasty manner in the past twenty years.

That is hilarious. I think it's all bright side, she told you 20 years ago who she is and how she feels about you and your family- I hope you didn't waste time trying to make something happen with her. Also god love her, what she gave up in favour of imaginary children. I think you can be pissed but really there's no point. At least she signposted you to her lunacy early on. It would have been worse to find out now- if you'd never had that initial conversation, and you'd been busting your ass for years to build a relationship.

Nasty woman. I would have walked away after her "not for YOUR children" comment.
Like PPs stated, some of the stuff will be worth some money. I would take them off her hands, sell them and buy something nice

I’ve had something very similar happen to me. The beautiful toys are still in boxes. My kids are now too old to play with them. Really horrible

Lots of comments about the value of Lego. Star Wars toys from the 70s and early 80s are also extremely collectible and worth a fortune if in nice condition.

Her behavior is disgusting

She can dislike you if she wants but not take it out on the kids

Well I hope she calls on the Golden One to help her in her dotage..

My mil was the same kind of. Once Sil had children all dh’s old toys from the loft came down to get played with. Our children being older than sils, they were never brought down for….

boggles the mind doesn’t it. If the toys are for the grandchildren to play with it should be for all of them, if they no longer wish to store them they should go to the child they belonged too.

Lots of parents though I reckon see their children’s toys / stuff as basically an extension of theirs though.

Your MIL sounds absolutely horrible. Your kids are just as much as her grandkids as the theoretical ones your SIL might have had, and the toys were your DH’s, not his sister’s. It’s mad that she a) showed everything to you and b) just hung on to it rather than let your kids have it.

I think in most normal families stuff gets passed down via whichever child it belonged to, eg my mum wouldn’t have given my old stuff to my brother’s kids (certainly not without asking me first anyway).

I agree. I would be leaving any assistance in future to DSIL and her kids

SIL didn't have any kids. It says in the OP

At least you've had twenty years of knowing how she feels about you

I think my situation is actually a bit of a cautionary tale.

My MIL saw herself as the beloved grandmother who goes everywhere with her DD and her DC. I know this for a fact, as I have heard her comment over the years on her friends who do this. The DGM who goes everywhere and anywhere with her DD, who cannot manage without her. She also sees her DD as her insurance policy, her emotional pension pot. When her DS got married, she basically wrote him off. She didn’t think she would get to do this with him. It’s not that I am horrible, I’m not. It is that I am not her flesh and blood. Her DD enables her in all this, and basks in the glow.

The sad thing is that my DH is a really nice bloke, who has tried to include his mum and dad loads. They do some fun things with us, but only if they don’t get a better offer.

It is now a self fulfilling prophecy. What they thought of DH and I has come true, as we don’t really bother with them. My DC aren’t close with them.

There have been lots of remarks and I agree, it is about putting me in the pecking order, somewhere at the bottom. If I was to pull that bullshit I could say that actually I am now at the top of the pecking order, the head elephant as I have 3 DC, and I may well be a multiple GM at some point with 2 generations under me, so put that in your pipe and smoke it [childish].

I kind of feel sorry for her in a way. Her retirement has not panned out how she planned it. I don’t think she has regrets, she is not nice enough to feel remorse IMO, but she may have wished she had played it differently for her own gain. There have been a few recent occassions when she has thrown me a fish, but I declined it. For example, she offered to babysit for me (never once offered, in fact declined one request for no reason and was never asked again) and I said with incredulity thanks but I don’t need a babysitter anymore, my DC are old enough to stay home. Also, she offered to buy me a present (never bought any before) and I remember going into a cold sweat as I don’t want anything off her. I was polite and said something like, that is so nice of you, but I really do not need anything and I was quite adamant about it. I don’t want anything off them, or any help now. I don’t need it, and I don’t want to owe them anything.

I feel indifference. It is a learning experience though. I will do my hardest to make sure my DC are treated equally. PIL welfare is not my concern. I’m not blood.

Turns out Lego-Gate is more of a Watergate.

I would personally find that absolutely ideal! It would have allowed me to say "oh no, my parents are coming" or "oh no, I am busy with my children" to everything that they asked me to do 😂

This

They were bought for him, they should at least have offered his toys and old clothes back to him

Sounds like she got her just deserts, waiting for the more favoured grandchildren to come along who never came.

My DH is too non confrontational to say anything. My MIL would have thought that she bought them with her money, so she is entitled to do what she likes with them.

In case anyone is wondering, it is not about the value. I think it would’ve been lovely to play with your dad’s old toys. I’m sure my DH would’ve loved it too. I was insulted that my DC were put in a pecking order with other DGC that didn’t even exist.

I mean, come the feck on. Some people on here have major issues with siblings DC/ DGC and favouritism. Mine didn’t even exist. They were imaginary. How does one compete with this?

No one puts baby in the corner 😁

I wouldn't be able to resist saying something like "Yes It's a shame your DGCs didn't get to play with their DFs toys. The boys would have really enjoyed that when they were younger." then move on and don't engage on the topic any more.

You sound like you have a good handle on it all and aren’t letting her get to you. She made her bed 20 years ago with her manners and she’s laying in it now. It’s too late for her to try to be the MIL and granny she’s trying to be at this stage (honestly how did you not laugh when she offered to babysitl your old enough to care for themselves children!!)

What you said about her putting all her eggs in one basket so to speak rings true. It is sadly often the case that sons lose their focus on their own parents once they marry and have children. I’ve seen it happen in my own and other families BUT as a mum you just don’t write your son off!! If you get even a hint that your son is going to keep you back you work harder at the relationship with him and DIL and ensure you do become a firm part of their and any DGC life’s. You don’t declare before the first baby that you’re going to favour DD’s children. She did that and decided she’d not need a relationship with him and his family as she’d focus on her “closer” dd and her family. Now she’s realising how shortsighted that was and it was a self fulfilling prophecy as you said. Why would you and your children give her much time of days when she started off enabling you all bottom of the family heap.