Sick of rejection, please be gentle

[Andyouresingingasong]

For the record I really do enjoy being single! I'm not desperate to have someone or to get married, I've just always been unlucky in love and it's disheartening.
I'm honestly thinking of completely giving up. I'd like to have a child someday perhaps and I'm 33 now, so I'm going to look into alternative methods.

I left my ex after 4 years for various reasons so I'm not just desperate to stick with any man for the sake of being with someone.

People will probably say it's my vibe, but I don't go round telling men I meet that I'm desperate to "settle down" or anything. I would've liked that with my ex because I loved him, but that doesn't mean I want it with anyone, period.

It will probably get shot down on here but I believe I have a lot going for me. I'm confident in my looks, I get a lot of compliments and men generally seem to be physically attracted.

I earn a good wage, I'm buying a flat alone atm. I'm good at my job and recently won an award for my work, I speak other languages, I've lived in other countries.

I'm good at sports, I recently did some sort of team-building fitness challenge with work colleagues and I won, beating the men even.

I don't need a man financially or otherwise but frequent rejections just make me feel like something's wrong with me.

I've got friends, good relationship with my family, people generally seem to like me. People often say I'm lovely, sweet, funny and stuff. I suppose I can have a bit of a laddish sense of humour but I know how to flirt if I'm getting good vibes.

I've got my flaws too and I've shown vulnerability with these men.

I'm not going for 6'3 on 6 figure salaries by any means. All the men I've liked are considered very 'normal' or average. Some people reckon I'm intimidating to these men so that's why they don't bother. I just don't see it, I don't know.

I've possibly just been really unlucky. A male colleague of mine who I vaguely knew went on this weekend activity and we got on great. He found out I was close to him in age and he admitted he'd thought I was a lot younger. I dropped him a very casual text and he seemed to reciprocate, just general chit chat but he stopped replying after my last text so i guess he wasn't interested.

There wasn't a question on it and I didn't say anything weird, it was just general work chat, but ahh well. Just grateful for any advice.

It's tough isn't it? It's the uncertainty as well. All I can say is 1) Get your eggs frozen - it takes the time pressure off. 2) It happened for me when I gave up ha ha. I decided to just enjoy my life and be single and had really had enough. Suddenly men kept popping out of the woodwork when I wasn't interested. Kept bumping into OH in the supermarket and having chats and that went on for months. We were both happily single but one day something clicked.

I will look into the egg thing, thank you.
People say that. But even without me 'trying' they're not interested! I've tried ignoring men and it just means they don't speak to me 🤣 I'm not on any dating apps anymore, I just go about my life. I haven't shown interest in a man since January, nobody's shown interest in me since so this just doesn't seem to work for me sadly 🤣

What I mean is that yes, I'm enjoying my life. But even without looking nobody has magically fallen into my lap. I'm sociable and will happily strike up conversation with men without giving indication I'm interested, but it hasn't led anywhere.

Almost feel like I should just try being miserable, cold, stand offish and ignoring and that would probably work? (Sarcasm)

I think sometimes people just are unlucky!

OP you say you aren't on apps anymore, but were you dating fairly 'aggressively' at one point? It really is a numbers game. That said, I have heard the online dating scene is rough these days compared to when I met my DH online.

Maybe start a new hobby - join something to do with that. A friend of mine met someone when she joined a walking club. When you're doing some kind of hobby or activity and there is a mutual enjoyment of that, it can bring out a different side to you.

Sadly I didn't have much luck with the apps. I only went on one date and didn't fancy the man at all, he just talked about himself and was handsy.

I've deleted them as I'm just not bothered. I got sick of being ghosted, flaked on or just swiping through people I didn't fancy on the rare chance I might fancy someone, I decided I'd much rather be single than go through that.

Thanks, I tried that with the team building sports thing this weekend but the man I was friendly with clearly isn't interested since he didn't continue the convo.

I'll keep trying. I find most men at my age are already taken tbh.
But since people keep telling it 'happens when I stop looking' then I don't know.
I'd much rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of it, I'm open to it with the right person.

Best App eva!

i don’t know anyone who failed to meet a partner eventually!

For the record, I'm not 'looking'. I'm not going out with a Pokémon ball and the aim of trapping some man.
I'm talking about in natural situations where I might meet someone I fancy. I don't get asked out or they just don't seem to want anything.

I believe you OP, but even if you were looking, it’s absolutely fine and quite normal to want a partner.

But don’t completely discount the dating apps, particularly as natural situations are not delivering at the moment.

Thank you. I'm just sick of how people are made to feel for daring to be looking. You're supposed to absolutely adore being single and have zero interest in anyone then suddenly a man will fall into your lap and just fall in love with you and ask you out. It doesn't seem to always work like that.

As I mentioned I do really enjoy being single. I am not overly bothered about getting married and I don't fancy living with a man again.
It's just when nobody seems to fancy you, you start to think, am I really that bad? It just hurts your ego.

It's not unusual in this day and age. I agree with freezing the eggs, prioritise that for sure!

I don't know if you watched the Ashley Maddison Netflix show, but you might want to as it is quite enlightening. I am resigned to the fact I won't date again now (I wear my heart on my sleeve and frankly fall apart when they leave or cheat and I can't do that to myself or dd again). However it was interesting to me that 90% of the users on AM were men. Men talking to bots. I think if that is anything to go by it suggests men are talking to bots saying whatever they want to hear, rather than real women. I've seen a lot of angry men changing profiles to things about being ghosted etc, so assume that's quite commonplace with the bots after time.

Therefore I suggest hobbies and book clubs. Largely because even if you don't meet men you'll have a fun hobby and new friends!

You don't need a man to have a child, as you know.

Your post says how you are happy being single, but you're not, really, are you?

I hear that too. I actually cried when I heard Taylor Swift's The Prophecy for the first time! Sometimes the reality no one picked you is quite harsh, but even if they do there's a high likelihood they'd leave again anyway, so easy come easy go with the joy.

I dunno, it's more that I don't understand how a lot of men are not interested. I know that sounds so arrogant, but I feel like I'm a good 'catch' as much as I dislike that word, yet apparently not enough for them.
It's just hurting my ego.

With regard to the child thing I see endless posts on here about how cruel and selfish it is to have a child alone so I just don't know :(

You have to learn to get over that ego part, it's a killer.
I've got a friend who has 3 houses, took early retirement (in her late 20s!), super clever, above average looking, slim, funny as hell and super kind and generous (by all accounts amazing in bed too) and she ended up having a kid on her own in her early 30's after a string of guys used her and cheated on her. She's fine and happy and thriving but it does make me wonder if men don't like interesting and competent women. I don't feel bad when I look at her and see I'm not alone in not being picked.

I feel the same way.

Im sorry to hear your friend went through it.
I do feel that's true sometimes, I don't think a lot of them like to feel emasculated and outdone. It's strange tbh.. I think they want someone who will be in awe of them and they feel they can be the 'man' in the role with.

I think I'm great and I know that my self esteem should not depend on whether some man deems me good enough or not. I might be coming across as thinking I'm too good or something on here but I've had my mental health problems and stuff, and now I'd rather feel like this than think I'm ugly, uninteresting or anything like that.

@Andyouresingingasong you sound great and like someone I know. I just think that there is definitely luck in finding someone - the right person at the right time.

The last man may have reasons which are absolutely nothing to do with you and it's just lack of alignment. A married friend who is similar age to you isn't smug about her relationship as thinks luck was really the determining factor. Meeting her husband when younger and their paths just forged together.

I don't know what to advise because it is crappy to feel rejected..keep putting yourself out there, hobbies, socials and work and hopefully it will come good for you

@Andyouresingingasong
Yes, nothing wrong with looking. If you want a new job, house, career etc people are quick to tell you to look. They don't say 'oh it's all down to luck/one day it will happen'. But the minute you mention looking for a life partner they act as if its wrong or taboo. As if you're meant to be coy and passive, just sitting waiting. Ridiculous. Its fine to look for who and what you want.

Obviously I dont know your situation OP but most I know who havent met someone, just dont get out there enough or decide nothing will happen for them and dont make an effort. Any big decision requires effort, and sometimes coming out of your comfort zone a bit.

Going to social events with friends (or join a friendship group/forum for event if no-one you know wants to go), going solo to exhibitions that interest you. If you're on the way back from work etc stop and have a coffee, chill and people watch instead of heading straight home. As well as a good dating app. I know 2 women who gave Hinge a break as they thought it was rubbish. Went back after some time, 1 is married and the other engaged. Im going to her wedding next month. Theyre a bit older than you.

Dont just write off apps, there are men out there who want what you do (don't listen to cynics on this) and you never know, its another chance of meeting someone isnt it, alongside whatever you choose to do in the real world.

Thank you so much both :) !