To avoid my birthday present?

[Fishingonthedockofthebay]

I have a group of friends at work. We are all female and range from 25-55 years old. We try to have lunch together once a week at work, and when it’s someone’s birthday we go for a meal after work, or occasionally at the weekend.

There are five of us and it’s very nice arrangement, we are work friends but I’ve not been to their houses and don’t have much communication outside of work.

My dilemma is that it was a “big” birthday of mine recently, and they have thought outside of the box and instead of a dinner they have bought me a voucher for a spa afternoon, to have with all of them.

It’s a nice gesture but I’m not into it. I’ve put on a lot of weight since having my last child and I would never hang out with friends in swimwear like that. My work friends are all glamorous and slim with nice figures and I’m not slim and even if I was I don’t have a good figure.

What do I do? I don’t want the gift but how can I get out of it?

Go.
you can be legitimately wrapped up in a spa dressing gown for the entire time but i suspect you’ll feel comfortable enough in the end to take it off
and i reckon you’ll enjoy

Don't be silly. Just get some nice swimwear- maybe a swimsuit with a skirt or a nice tankini with shorts and enjoy yourself. You need to work on your self esteem - they all sound like lovely work friends. What size are you? I'm a 20/22 and I'm in my 'fuck it' era. Love myself and everything about me and do anything I want now - you're a long time dead.

Or explain to the one in the group that you are most comfortable with that you’d rather not go to a spa, but you do appreciate that they tried to do something special.

Go! Spas are the best. Doesn't matter what size you are. Don't miss out on life because you're thinking about your body size/shape.

Guaranteed in years to come you'll look back and want to kick yourself if you pass this up.

Go out and live life.

I understand your anxiety, but you've earned this present!

It's not like you've only seen them online, they know who you are and what you look like, it'll be nothing new to them! It probably wasn't cheap, so they clearly like you and wanted to give you something special, so it would be a shame if you didn't enjoy it to the fullest!

I get what you’re all saying but it just makes me so unhappy even thinking about it. I don’t have any swimwear for my current size. My legs react badly to shaving, and I am self conscious of stretch marks. I’ve been to a spa before and it’s not really my cup of tea. Give me a grimy gig any day.

My mind is going wild. One of my work friends is married to someone else who works there so if she talks about how I look then lots of people could find out. These are work friends not my close friends. I have a tattoo that no one at work knows about. Put us all in a swimming costume and cats out of the bag.

I think it's two separate things. If you wanted to go but felt too self conscious I'd be with the "ah hell with it, go for it" voices here, but it sounds like you also really like spas and wouldn't want that as an experience even if you felt super confident about it. As a pp said, I'd approach the one you are closest to (or if you can work it out, the one who actually bought the voucher) and tell them that although it's a nice thought, a spa experience is really not your idea of a good time and ask if you can get a refund/swap for something else. It might also be worth seeing if the spa place does afternoon tea/lunches and etc. Maybe you could swap from full on spa to a lovely lunch, drinks and maybe if some of the group were inclined a less full on treatment eg manicure or something?

I can't think of anything worse than a spa day, it's my idea of hell for different reasons so I don't blame you for not wanting to go.

I would do as a PP says and see if the voucher could be swapped for something else, maybe afternoon tea or a nice lunch

Have they already bought it? It's a bit of a risky gift to get someone as loads of people would hate it. You'll just have to be honest that you don't want to go. I'd offer to pay them back what they've spent on my place but you don't have to.

Honestly, I think you have to go. You can remain in a robe.

I totally sympathise - it’s my idea of hell. If you were just self-conscious but liked the idea, it would be completely different - but spa days are only great if you fundamentally like spa activities. I’m an outdoorsy type who’d rather drag myself across a muddy estuary than have a massage, so I can understand your perspective.

I don’t know how you manage it politely though. If you don’t think it can be changed, I think a nice dose of tactical covid (/infectious disease of your choice) on the day is the most tactful answer. Bit rubbish though!

Approach one of them 'this is awkward - please know that I love you all to bits - a spa is a bit different to dinner and I have my reasons for not feeling comfortable in that environment - I am not going to go. If it's possible to return the voucher then I would love to go for dinner instead. If it's not possible then I would love for you to go and enjoy it anyway and I will buy you a round in the pub as soon as possible.'

I would feel exactly the same and I go to the health club and swim outside 3 times a week!
It sounds nice to some people but others would find it a thoughtless gift - putting you in this position.
It's a bit of a tricky conversation to have but your friends have bought it for you as they want you to have a nice time. If I was one of them I would like to know that you would rather do something else - it’s meant to make you happy.
If they have bought a voucher already but not decided on a date you could tell them that you would really like to do something else (have an idea ready) and be really enthusiastic about it. Ask politely if it’s possible to do that instead.
How can they resist!?

I sympathise too. I don't like forced entertainment, especially when it involves getting most of your kit off in front of people you don't know that well. Is it too late for them to change it to something else?

Beautifully phrased response from @Runskiyoga .

I’m with you op. I can’t think of anything worse to do. It’s quite a personal gift and not for everyone, however confident. I would either be sick on the day, or be upfront and just say you really hate spas ( no need to say anything else ) but you really appreciate the thought and would love to join then there for a drink later. Good luck!

If you don't like spas then don't go. But reel in the racing thoughts about people gossiping about how you look. They won't be.

I hate spas too and it's not about my appearance. It's ok to not want to.

Sounds like you're spiralling.

It's one thing for strangers to say have fun, no one is looking at you and whilst that's true it doesn't change the fact you don't want to do it. If someone said to me catch a spider it won't hurt, the rational part in my head knows that but I still can't do it. Crap analogy but hopefully you get drift.

They sound like a thoughtful bunch so just say you feel self conscious and like pp said tell them to go if you can't get refund.

I agree with @AGodawfulsmallaffair
I would absolutely hate it, and it sounds as Op will have to do a lot of preparation for this present whereas the purpose of birthday present is to enjoy. It’s a bit like husband buying football season tickets as a Christmas present for his wife. Nice if she is into it but if she is not….
Are they expecting to go together? If yes, it’s even less a present.
I could understand a voucher where you can choose when, what and with whom but if you are essentially joining the group activity you should be asked if you want to go.
I don’t like being in a swimming costume even in front of my parents! Ime strangers don’t care and don’t judge but family and friends are the worst.
I would tell them without details about shaving/ extra weight etc if they are slim well manicured type they won’t understand. I would just say that you don’t like spas and you don’t want to go.

If you don't like spas then don't go. But reel in the racing thoughts about people gossiping about how you look. They won't be.
This is pretty much word for word what I was going to say.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, nobody cares about your body op. Or your tattoo.

We all have a body, millions of people have tattoos and every single one of us is insecure about one thing or another.

Certainly don't force yourself to do things you dont enjoy but also, don't stop yourself from doing things you would enjoy just because you are a human with a human body.

I hope you get the dinner out that you would prefer op.

Definitely tell one or all of the group. They sound very nice.

Spend the day in the dressing gown and invent an allergy to chlorine.

Book it. Arrange to meet them all there. Have a car emergency just before you are supposed to be there.

They get to enjoy the day, you get to avoid it.

I'd feign covid the day before
No issues with my appearance but a spa day is my idea of hell
Sympathies Op

Whatever shape you are is fine. You are OK exactly how you are and you have no need to change. Your friends will not judge you. This is just self doubt stopping you from living your life.