I don't want ex to bring baby to a jacuzzi party

[LavenderFlowers]

I need some perspective as I don't like my exes brother much and that may cloud my judgement with this

My exes brother is home from New York (flash finance guy) this week and wants to meet his nephew (he has sent presents but even when in England, he hasn't made effort to meet 11 month old DS). He is home this weekend and was due to meet DS at exes house for dinner so we changed days for him to have son. I was delighted they were finally meeting.

His brother has now said that the only time he is free to meet them is at a jacuzzi party that same afternoon. Brother likes a drink, as do his friends. He says his friends kids will be there and won't be near the jacuzzi but AIBU to not want DS in that environment with drinking/smoking etc? Ex won't be drinking as he will be driving (and doesn't drink much anyway)

As much as you may dislike it you cannot dictate what your child's father does with him during his contact time. I am glad you qualified your post with the drinking situation as this suggests that your ex would also be sensible with his child's welfare.

Up to your ex ro make the decision if its his turn to look after ds. Wouldn't bother me though.

Agree with pp that the fact your ex won't be drinking makes a big difference.
You might not be happy about it but at least your ex can be a responsible parent. Judging by the rest of your post this is going to be a one off and his brother isn't going to be an involved uncle going forward.

If you trust your ex to keep your child safe then you can’t dictate what kind of social arrangement he takes your child to.

It's entirely up to dad where he goes on his contact time.

It's none of your business. Sorry.

Thanks, we're new to post break up coparenting and we've been very flexible about knowing where the other brings baby. I didn't realise it was not my business as he shared it with me

Im not sure what a jacuzzi party is really but sounds like a party where some people will be in a hot tub and some won’t. So surely they will be sitting in a garden, having a some food etc. Surely anyone smoking will do so away from the baby. Do people really smoke much anyway?

Your ex will be there in the afternoon, it will probably get a bit lewd later but your baby isn’t going to be effected by seeing people drunk.

I think unless you never plan to take the baby to a party (wedding, family birthday etc) you can't expect him not to.

He’s sharing it, not asking your permission.

I think you're just annoyed because you don't like the uncle in question. I'm sure you'd think your ex was being a complete dick if he suddenly announced that he didn't want you, while completely sober, taking your son to an event just because some other adults might be drinking.

You know people take babies to weddings, barbecues, birthday parties etc all the time, right? Your child will be in the care of a sober parent. It's fine.

I've been around them before at similar events and it was very smoking and drinking filled . Drugs too but I'm sure that wouldn't happen until later in the day. I've been uncomfortable around them many times so I'm probably projecting onto baby! I had swapped day for baby to go to a dinner with uncle in Dads house, not this so I was thrown

Sorry but YABU. You do not get to dictate what your ex takes his son or what he does with him in their time together unlike of course there was serious concerns about abuse or neglect.

I wouldn't be thrilled about it to be honest but as your ex isn't drinking then hopefully he'll be sensible enough to keep your son from any potential harm

Yanbu at all, kids shouldn’t be at those type of parties and all this it isn’t your business is absolute rubbish, just cos the other parent has your child it doesn’t mean you don’t get to make decisions on their safety

I also know none of his friends have kids so I don't really think other kids will be there but I can see the majority think IBU so I'll just ignore it

just cos the other parent has your child it doesn’t mean you don’t get to make decisions on their safety

Actually it means just that.
It's what happens when parents separate. Even if people have serious concerns regarding abuse they have to go to court if they want to be able to override the other parents rights.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but there’s very little you can do about it.

For what it’s worth, we don’t do kids at drink fueled events ether, don’t let other parents convince you that that’s normal - most (not all) people who feel that’s ok really like a drink themselves. No one in my immediate circle brings kids to parties or evening weddings where lots of drink is involved. Why would they? Not relaxing for the adults and v little fun for the kids, even quite scary once people are slurring, falling, etc!

Obviously this won’t impact a baby and it’s probs fine as a one off like this situation especially if the Dad is sober. I wouldn’t have it as a regular thing though.

I think it's fine to tell ex you are not keen. Or ask him if he thinks it will be a suitable environment. Co parent how works for you

Yeah my ex said himself it's not where he wants to be bringing baby but he's not sure what he can do

He can ask his brother to prioritise seeing his nephew. Honestly I’d be insulted if I’d had a kid and my sibling was insisting they could only see them at a jacuzzi party.

I agree with a pp, it’s not great but unfortunately not sure what you can do about it. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your ex or if this would be ok with him - but could you just keep to the original contact day and say to the brother since the baby is with you that day you’ll drop by the party briefly? You can maybe turn up slightly earlier before the “fun” begins.

No it isn’t, your child means you speak up for them in every situation or I do anyway. Unfortunately for your kids if you have any you don’t do that obviously

Smoking aside I don't really see much difference between this and a barbecue in someone's garden.

Jacuzzis are not very big. They aren't all going to be in there. Some people will be drinking and some won't.

My kids are now 23 and they went to their first barbecue at 4 months old.

I wouldn't like the smoking but really that's no reason to stop him (not that you can anyway)

Your ex sounds sensible. If they're outdoors then the smoking won't be a huge issue. If he was to go with the original plan of dinner then there's a chance the brother would have been smoking indoors with your baby.

Trust your ex. He'll look after the baby, and sounds like hell make his excuses if things aren't going well.

He isn't saying 'I am going and you can't say no'. We are both civil and kind and I hope it stays that way so I'm trying to be considerate

We have gone to a couple BBQ's and outdoor events but at least they're based around food. Bringing a baby to an event planned around alcohol doesn't seem ideal and the uncle originally made the plan for dinner to be suitable for baby/ex

I would be willing to pop in with baby if that was easier but brother hasn't given location of party yet