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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ASN teenager hit me

54 replies

Randomgirl12 · 04/06/2024 15:30

I was out shopping at a retail park and in one shop, a mum came in with her son (about 14/15 years age) he had severe complex needs, he was screaming at the top of his lungs, was knocking items off shelves as soon as he came in. It was so sad to see as he was clearly distressed and wasn’t coping with the noise environment

The mother was buying 1 item but there was a huge queue, the sales assistant let her in front to pay before everyone else but he kept running away from her. She was in complete panic mode and everyone was watching her.

As a mum of an autistic child myself my heart went out to her. When I came out of the shop her son was lying on the pavement still screaming and his mother was trying her best to calm him. People were just walking past. I decided to go and help, I told her my own personal situation and how much I understood how difficult these kind of situations are. She was happy for me to try and help. I asked him his name and what would help. He wanted his headphones. I bent down trying not to get into his space and calmly said his name asking if he wanted to get off the pavement and put his headphones on. He obliged very quickly and I asked if he wanted to sit on the bench to put his headphones on. He then proceeded to slap me right across my face.

I am wondering should I have even helped at all. Was too shocked to speak. I’m completely understanding I was a complete stranger but should I have just left them both alone? Don’t feel I helped the situation at all

OP posts:
OrchardDoor · 04/06/2024 15:34

It was very nice of you to try and help. I'm sure the mum appreciated it. I hope you are OK after being hit. Must be so hard for the mum.

hiredandsqueak · 04/06/2024 15:36

Mine would have hated your intervention. I would only have spoken quietly to mum and asked if there was anything she needed. The child was distressed and a strange person was invading his space so little wonder he lashed out really.

Onemonkeyand3wisemen · 04/06/2024 15:36

Whilst it's very nice that you wanted to help as a mum of a nd child yourself you should know that very often it can make the situation worst especially when it's a stranger.

DemBonesDemBones · 04/06/2024 15:36

As a mother of a severely autistic child I would much rather you hadn't helped. You seem to think as a parent of an autistic child you had some authority on the situation. In reality, if you're the parent of an autistic child you're the parent of THAT autistic child. You couldn't possibly know how to help every autistic child in sensory overload-think how long it took you to learn how to help your own!

G123456789 · 04/06/2024 15:36

You did a nice thing, it's bad enough when a toddler has a tantrum, but a teenager. The mum was struggling. You tried to help.
Unfortunately he struck out and I hope you are ok. You haven't reported it to the police or gone overboard with the mum (i assume you haven't anyway)
You could well have calmed him down but unfortunately it didn't work. How did you leave it with the mum?

Singleandproud · 04/06/2024 15:39

I would have stayed chatting to the mum for perhaps a bit of moral support and not got involved with the child. The child didn't hit you on purpose but if you have your own child with additional needs you should have known better, a child in that much distress will not react positively.

LegoLady95 · 04/06/2024 15:42

It was kind to offer, but with my son who sounds very similar, somebody talking to me would be enough to trigger him as he cannot cope with others taking my attention when he is distressed.

Original poster
Randomgirl12 · 04/06/2024 15:47

G123456789 · 04/06/2024 15:36

You did a nice thing, it's bad enough when a toddler has a tantrum, but a teenager. The mum was struggling. You tried to help.
Unfortunately he struck out and I hope you are ok. You haven't reported it to the police or gone overboard with the mum (i assume you haven't anyway)
You could well have calmed him down but unfortunately it didn't work. How did you leave it with the mum?

Oh my god absolutely not - would never report to the police.

She was just apologising over and over again, her head was in her hands I think she was just past the point of coping.

OP posts:
Sue152 · 04/06/2024 16:03

Goodness that poor woman. No one could know 100% how he would react, you were trying to help and it didn't work out. It was an impossible situation really - leave the mum to feel desperate and alone or try to help and potentially have it go wrong.

Comedycook · 04/06/2024 16:07

You tried op. Whether it helped or not...I imagine someone willing to assist rather than judge/stare probably meant a lot to his mum.

Naran · 04/06/2024 16:14

My autistic child would definitely have reacted badly to a stranger’s help.

SplitFountainPen · 04/06/2024 16:25

In future offer the mum a kind word but leave the child alone as you'll just add to the overwhelming environment

HebburnPokemon · 04/06/2024 16:33

You haven't reported it to the police

I would have.

It was assault. The teen is clearly not safe to be in public and is a danger to those around him.

HcbSS · 04/06/2024 16:37

HebburnPokemon · 04/06/2024 16:33

You haven't reported it to the police

I would have.

It was assault. The teen is clearly not safe to be in public and is a danger to those around him.

Agree with the second part of this but the police would be overkill. The kid isn’t a criminal (even though he did commit a criminal act by assaulting OP - imagine if that had been an elderly person who got in his way!)
he is a vulnerable teenager and his mother is not coping. To keep him, her and the public safe this family need support. Social services would perhaps be a better call than police (if they would do anything and hard when you don’t know the person’s name).

GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2024 16:37

She was happy for me to try and help.

She accepted your kind offer. You've not done anything wrong here.

Smartiepants79 · 04/06/2024 16:37

You did ask her before you spoke to him?
and she agreed for you to try?
If so then you did the best you could and more than most people.
Don’t feel that you were wrong to try. She would have said presumably if she thought that would be the likely outcome.
What an awful situation for them both. I hope she’s got some help at home.

WithOneLook · 04/06/2024 16:45

HebburnPokemon · 04/06/2024 16:33

You haven't reported it to the police

I would have.

It was assault. The teen is clearly not safe to be in public and is a danger to those around him.

Well aren't you charming. Bollocks is a snapshot of one meltdown evidence that he is 'not safe to be in public'. Just for the record do you know what the police would do?......... absolutely NOTHING. So all you'd be doing is wasting the polices time, making the Mum feel worse and have no impact on the disabled person. Fortunately the days of locking away our ND population are over.

OP you tried to do the decent thing. I'm sure the mum appreciated you trying and not judging her or her disabled son. It's unfortunate that he lashed out. It's impossible to know who will benefit from a stranger talking to the disabled person and those who need to be left alone. I'm willing to bet the mum was as shocked as you though as you spoke to her first and she didn't ask you to leave him be. You tried to make someone's difficult day a bit better.

ToxicChristmas · 04/06/2024 16:55

I'm sorry you got hit. It was kind of you to try and help (I'd personally have hated anyone becoming involved but I understand your heart was in the right place) and I'm sure she appreciated what you tried to do. Personally (I'm the mum of an autistic DS) I'd have offered to help her pay/take her shopping/help her to the car with her bags etc instead and let her deal with her DS. While my DS doesn't lash out, he definitely wouldn't respond well to a stranger trying to engage with him (however kindly). He would be mute and try to hide or lay on the ground to avoid. I hope you are not too sore from the slap.

LaNuitPorteConseil · 04/06/2024 17:06

I’m amazed that she let you try to interact with her child, regardless of how she was feeling.

Unbelievable really.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 04/06/2024 19:09

A lot of autistic people don't like to be perceived.

It causes a lot of anxiety. So "helpful" people offering to help are just confirming to the autistic person that they're being watched.

When we're anxious we have a fight/flight/freeze response. He didn't choose the fight response. It just happened.

Original poster
Randomgirl12 · 04/06/2024 19:38

LaNuitPorteConseil · 04/06/2024 17:06

I’m amazed that she let you try to interact with her child, regardless of how she was feeling.

Unbelievable really.

I disagree. I think she was at the end of her tether. Her son was much bigger and stronger than her, she was completely alone.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/06/2024 19:43

I think you did the wrong thing but for the right reason, so neither YABU or YANBU, imo. Yes, you interfered, but your heart was in the right place. Sorry you were slapped.

Cucumbering · 04/06/2024 19:49

This was a very risky thing for you to do, you could have sustained some serious injuries. In a care/educational setting such young people have risk assessments and staff are trained on supporting in escalating situations. At the same time it was very kind of you. Maybe next time, if wanting to help, take the lead from the mum and ask her what you should do and how you should do it safely? Space and quiet is sometimes all that’s needed. If things get really bad and the public/young person is at risk of serious injury the police or ambulance may need to attend .

x2boys · 04/06/2024 19:50

HebburnPokemon · 04/06/2024 16:33

You haven't reported it to the police

I would have.

It was assault. The teen is clearly not safe to be in public and is a danger to those around him.

The police are not going to charge a teenager with complex needs ,if they tried ti charge my teen it would be like trying too charge a toddler
Aw for not being safe in public what should we do with severely disabled teens then?

TheLadyOfTheFlowers · 04/06/2024 19:53

Randomgirl12 · 04/06/2024 19:38

I disagree. I think she was at the end of her tether. Her son was much bigger and stronger than her, she was completely alone.

Show quote history

Oh that poor woman 😥her life must be a non-stop cycle of trying to calm him down. She must be emotional and mentally exhausted.

I am sure she really appreciated adult interaction and you trying to help @Randomgirl12 x