ASN teenager hit me

[Randomgirl12]

I was out shopping at a retail park and in one shop, a mum came in with her son (about 14/15 years age) he had severe complex needs, he was screaming at the top of his lungs, was knocking items off shelves as soon as he came in. It was so sad to see as he was clearly distressed and wasn’t coping with the noise environment

The mother was buying 1 item but there was a huge queue, the sales assistant let her in front to pay before everyone else but he kept running away from her. She was in complete panic mode and everyone was watching her.

As a mum of an autistic child myself my heart went out to her. When I came out of the shop her son was lying on the pavement still screaming and his mother was trying her best to calm him. People were just walking past. I decided to go and help, I told her my own personal situation and how much I understood how difficult these kind of situations are. She was happy for me to try and help. I asked him his name and what would help. He wanted his headphones. I bent down trying not to get into his space and calmly said his name asking if he wanted to get off the pavement and put his headphones on. He obliged very quickly and I asked if he wanted to sit on the bench to put his headphones on. He then proceeded to slap me right across my face.

I am wondering should I have even helped at all. Was too shocked to speak. I’m completely understanding I was a complete stranger but should I have just left them both alone? Don’t feel I helped the situation at all

My DS is also on the autistic spectrum. I often go for a walk at lunchtime and see a mum and what seems to be a severely autistic older teenager walking together and the mum looks completely destroyed and I really wish I could do something to support her, it's a difficult one to gauge and I wouldn't want to make her feel worse by interfering. I think you did a wonderful and kind thing and am sure she was very grateful that you weren't just someone else walking by trying not to catch her eye x

You asked the mum first before helping, you didn’t just jump in. I’m sorry you were hit, but please don’t think you did the wrong thing trying to help.

If it was my son I think I would appreciate yoy trying to help but he can have challenging behaviour and can be unpredictable so I would be better trying to placate him myself
But at least you offered solidarity and that can mean a lot.

Yes and especially as op has a child with SN she didn't know this.

Why is that unbelievable? So you think she would have preferred it for everyone to just ignore them and no one ever offer to help? The offer to help sometimes means the world to some parents of ND people.

So let’s lock him away in a sanitarium like the good old days yeah?

"I would have.

It was assault. The teen is clearly not safe to be in public and is a danger to those around him."

I must have missed the bit where he was randomly attacking people walking past.

I hope you are ok now?

I think what you did probably meant the world to the mum.

No, he needs help. Also, there are better places to take a dysregulated person - a shopping centre is not one.

"he was screaming at the top of his lungs, was knocking items off shelves as soon as he came in"

The law on assault includes 'causing another to apprehend immediate and unlawful violence'. So, frightening people.

OP you did a good thing offering to help the mother.

The woman's child did assault you. I'm not sure I would report to the police but you can call a spade a spade and hitting someone is assault regardless of whether the perpetrator has the necessary capacity to be charged.

I do really feel for the mother cause if her child is hitting out in public she must be being attacked in her own home it can't be much of a life

What kind of help do you think he needs?
I doubt his mum thought I will just take my son out so he can kick off and slap an unsuspecting member of the public ,things can escalate very quickly
My son loves going shopping usually but sometimes things can get overwhelming for him and we try and calm him down
But you know families of disabled children still need to eat and wear clothes ,they still need to go shopping.

Your intentions were good but you thought you knew better than the Mum.

Yes but the police won't charge somebody who doesn't have the capacity to understand what they have done, my 14 year old has the cognitive ability of a toddler and is non verbal, the police wouldn't get much a statement out him .

@Randomgirl12 I wish there were more people like you - compassionate and understanding. I hope you are ok. I don't know the answer but you are a good person.

You did a kind thing. Hope you are ok, must have been a shock.

From the OP
She was happy for me to try and help.

No good deed goes unpunished. You tried to help, others are perceiving that as you interfered, but I expect you were trying to offer support having had your own similar experiences where you would have appreciated some help.

This is honestly what people don’t get involved. It might seem anti-society but things are often so much more complex than they look on the surface. If I’m honest I don’t even think I’d get involved if I saw a public domestic abuse type scenario as I’ve heard enough stories of the woman then turning on the stranger and the whole thing becoming violent against the person who had tried to intervene.

YANBU OP and you are a good person. I'd have been really grateful if it had been me. I hope you are OK.

In this situation it is better to let the parent take care of the child. If there is obvious practical help you can give eg watching someone's trolley, then that could be useful but it better to leave the behaviour management to the person who knows the child.

I wouldn't want interference because it is distracting and my teenager would hate it. Someone lying on the floor screaming under supervision is not a problem for anyone else and they may need to work through it until they calm down.

Agree.

There’s sure been a lot of autistic people apparently hurting others lately if you read mumsnet. 🤔

"I’m amazed that she let you try to interact with her child, regardless of how she was feeling.

Unbelievable really."

I agree. Noone I know with an autistic teenager would want a stranger to interact with their child at that point.

Maybe this just wasn't your call and needed more assistance than you (misguided in my opinion) were able to offer. It does sound in your opening post that you made a number of assumptions that you would be just the person to help but as already alluded to, your experience of ASN doesn't qualify you to know what is right for other parents in a given situation. In this instance you may have misjudged the situation if you were close enough to get such serious a slap.

However, OP knew nothing about her or her child and placed herself in a situation where she just got too close to a child she had no prior experience with who was prone to lash out. Unfortunately having an ASN child is not a one size fits all. OP only knew what was a safe distance with her own child. That was clearly a different distance in personal space to what this child was prepared to tolerate.

Normally yes. And looking at it from a calm perspective.

But I wonder if it shows the extent of the mums stress and tethers' end that she DID allow someone else (kindly) to interact.

Very sad. The mum definitely sounds like she needs help to cope