Don't feel as close to my son anymore

[sparklinglemons]

I have 4 children all late teens to early 20s and all live at home.
My eldest moved out briefly a couple of years ago and we barely heard from him texts would go unanswered for days and calls never answered and I'd spend days wondering what was going on and then he'd call and act perfectly happy and normal and say he hadn't seen calls or texts even though he's always glued to his phone and then I'd feel things were ok again just for the same cycle again then he moved back home because he was struggling with the rent and in his own words he was lonely by himself.

He is polite enough at home but sometimes he'll go away for a week to visit his extended family/friends in our home town and we won't hear from him until he's back.
He's pleasant when we do see him but I feel he's unreachable when we don't.

He's the eldest of 4 and I feel like he's slipping away is this just what happens when they grow up or is this a sign he will always be low contact and unavailable?
Sometimes I just think it's rude but then I do try and keep up a good relationship with him.

He doesn't bother to acknowledge birthdays anymore for anyone.
He has one brother and two sisters and we're still as close as ever and I don't feel like I have to try so hard with them.

Is he OK? Could he be depressed?

Part of growing up for some people. If he seems otherwise happy and has friends and a life outside of work/education etc pretty normal.

My brother has to be reminded about birthday and isn’t into cards or gifts really. My dh only rings his sibling or parents really when he wants/needs something. Hasn’t been to see his nephew whose birthday was over a month ago but when he does he will give him a gift. That I purchased and I will of wrapped.

I don't think he's depressed, if anything he's become more confident as he's got older and has quite a positive outlook, although I know that doesn't necessarily mean he's not depressed.

Part of growing up for some people. If he seems otherwise happy and has friends and a life outside of work/education etc pretty normal.

Agree. I can go for a week at a time without speaking to my parents now, and when I was your son's age I didn't live in the same country. I do go back for birthdays and to see them. They're busy, and we all have our own lives. I'd still help them if and when.

He's asserting his own boundaries. He doesn't want to do Birthdays, so respect that. We don't do cards/presents. Likewise he doesn't want to be constantly reachable, that's how it used to be.

Likewise he doesn't want to be constantly reachable, that's how it used to be.

Yes, also this.

Yup my brother knows how to reach me if he needs me as do I him. But in the last 10 years ha probably 20 years I’ve sat with him 1-2-1 and chatting random shits would be once. The last time I ate a meal with him we would have been children.

There is no hate or feeling of abandonment. His busy living his life and in living mine. Mum sees him if she needs something or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day/Birthday.

I think its personality. Some people are naturally inclined to focus on whatever is in front of them at the time, with anyone out of sight also out of mind. While he lived at home you were close from proximity, now other people are in his view and in his mind. He no doubt loves you, but you're not as relevant as you were. Unfortunately I think if this is the personality a person has, there's not a lot you can do other than accept it, and enjoy the time you have with them when they are around.

I'm not always reachable, I prefer it that way. You don't need to know his every move or talk every few days. Once a week/fortnight or even a bit longer is fine!
Remember the more clingy you are the more you'll push him away.

I think it's a son thing, you'll probably feel much closer to your daughters in comparison but it doesn't mean your son loves you less just that it's different.

I feel a bit like that with my 20 year old son. He still lives at home but he is out a lot. Working and staying with friends.
All my friends with older kids tell me that they will leave for a while and get a bit distant but they will return eventually. I'm relying on that.

Then he can’t expect to receive birthday presents!

Who says he does?

My middle son is like this. He's a management accountant for a big 4 so is under pressure there, has a partner, friends etc but if I needed him for say an emergency situation he'd be there in a shot.
Of my 3 he's the most protective( I have moderate CP and live alone.
It is normal as they age. I just reinforce that I'm always here and know he's happy

God cut the apron strings.

Have you talked to him about (exactly) what you would like (or actually need) from him when he is away - and what he thinks is reasonable- and about how to bring those two ways of being closer together?

Sometimes you have to be very direct - even with grown-up children :).

From your description - you seem to have done a good job of parenting.

He is clearly happy to live with you and confident that you will be there if he needs you. He is starting to build a life outside for himself.

And that's okay. I don't do birthdays and don't send Christmas cards either. That is my choice. I don't expect them from others but if I get them that's their choice.

Daughters aren't always much closer. Some of us females want to, and do, cut those apron strings.

Isn't an essential part of parenting about teaching children the skills to be independent and allowing them to be independent?

This is just how some people are, myself included (female). I hate when people say 'it's a son thing', I completely disagree- some people just want space. I often feel suffocated with the expectation to immediately reply to texts/phone calls.
As you said when he does speak to you he's all good so I honestly would just let him get on with it.

He obviously knows what side his bread’s buttered by coming back and saving money! It does seem cold, uncaring and selfish not to acknowledge birthdays.
Time he got more independent by finding out what it’s really like to struggle without Mum and Dad

I pulled away from my mum in the teenage years and then moved out got myself sorted and then we became closer and are closer than ever now, my mum tells me she thought she'd lost me but I came back.
I don't have an explanation and she absolutely did nothing wrong I just needed to go and work out who I was.
The big difference was I'd moved out by my early 20s and these days it's so hard for young adults to find some independence while living with parents and trying to establish boundaries while living under someone else's house rules.
I was much closer to my parents once I'd moved out and we were both adults on even ground.

The OP hasn't said that he does. When my Mum died, we decided that we wasn't going to do presents anymore. We do meet ups, panto etc instead, but there's no pressure if someone can't fit an outing in.

My bil is like this. He has ADHD and a very busy schedule. It does suck for his mom, but it's not deliberate, just his personality.

Being independent and being close to other people are not mutually exclusive just because the other people are your family. Its perfectly possible to live a fully independent life and choose to spend large parts of it with your parents and siblings, simply because you enjoy their company. It's not some form of arrested development or parenting fail that means you didn't get the skills to break away.

he doesn't want to be constantly reachable,

That's fine if he doesn't expect you to be constantly reachable either, maybe don't always answer when he rings or things will always be on his terms.