Don't feel as close to my son anymore

[sparklinglemons]

I have 4 children all late teens to early 20s and all live at home.
My eldest moved out briefly a couple of years ago and we barely heard from him texts would go unanswered for days and calls never answered and I'd spend days wondering what was going on and then he'd call and act perfectly happy and normal and say he hadn't seen calls or texts even though he's always glued to his phone and then I'd feel things were ok again just for the same cycle again then he moved back home because he was struggling with the rent and in his own words he was lonely by himself.

He is polite enough at home but sometimes he'll go away for a week to visit his extended family/friends in our home town and we won't hear from him until he's back.
He's pleasant when we do see him but I feel he's unreachable when we don't.

He's the eldest of 4 and I feel like he's slipping away is this just what happens when they grow up or is this a sign he will always be low contact and unavailable?
Sometimes I just think it's rude but then I do try and keep up a good relationship with him.

He doesn't bother to acknowledge birthdays anymore for anyone.
He has one brother and two sisters and we're still as close as ever and I don't feel like I have to try so hard with them.

I don’t understand why you’d need to contact him or expect contact from him if he’s away for a week?

moved out briefly a couple of years ago and we barely heard from him texts would go unanswered for days and calls never answered

So you ignored this example and went for the example that was less relevant.

My son is 27, and he is like this. Has been ever since he went to Uni 9 years ago. He is lovely and a good son overall, but he just doesn't see the need to constantly check in. He always visits on birthdays, mother's day and Christmas with gifts though. I think you have to let him be an adult.

I've got two sons in their twenties.

We hardly ever hear from DS2. He doesn't really respond to texts, hardly ever calls. He's living a very full life in a city 4 hours from us. He has a demanding job, a long term girlfriend, and is very happy.

DS1 is the opposite. He lives about 2 hours away but is always making plans to come and stay with us for the weekend. We WhatsApp each other almost every day. He lives alone, no partner, and I sometimes worry thag he is too dependent on us although he does seem to have a good social life.

I think as long as your son is happy, you've done well.

Sounds entirely normal and healthy to me. He's an adult with his adult life. But don't mistake frequency of contact with closeness. I regard myself as very close to my parents and think of them as two of my best friends. But I'd only drop a message on the family what's app group once or twice a week and only speak to them every three weeks or so. Admittedly we don't live in the same time zone but the great thing about your parents is that you know they always love you and are there for you when you need them.

But I'm sure I'll be as upset as you when my DS leave home and don't call me for weeks at a time too!

An adult doesn’t need to message their mum every single day, or even every few days.

My honest assessment is that you are putting too much pressure on him to be in constant contact, and he finds it too much, so he pulls away from it more. OR he’s simply not thinking about it much at all, he’s just living his life.

I have two adult brothers. One is very bad at replying to texts, but is a lovely chap, perfectly happy and sociable in person. My other brother, my mum gets a lot more responsiveness from. I think they talk on the phone at least once a week, too. My mum thankfully would never say she feels “less close” to the brother who isn’t a texter. Adults are allowed to have different preferences and communication styles!

The problem here is that you are problematising this. It doesn’t have to be an issue. But saying that you feel “less close to him” just because he is busy living his life and isn’t a great texter makes it sound like you’re making a really big deal out of it. Guilt trippy and weird.

This could have been written by my DH's aunt about her son! My MIL is always going on about how great my DH is at keeping in touch with her, I feel she maybe says it too much and it hurts her sister (my DH's aunt) as her son (DH's first cousin) does not do that with his mum.

I don't think he does it deliberately, he has his own life, young family and wife but he only sees his parents every few months, sometimes 4 months at a time and my DH's aunt sees her sister (my MIL) visiting us weekly and it hurts her.

Family dynamics are always hard to navigate. I'd do what other PP said and just give him the space he wants, don't make a fuss about it and try and just focus on the other 3 and your busy life. If he needs you I'm sure he will be there. I have two v young DSs and I do worry about this but I guess it's just life. Your children become independent adults that have their own lives. Please try not to overthink as hard as it is. X

This all sounds pretty normal for a bloke in his 20's?

How often would you be trying to text or call him?

He's an adult yes but who's living at home so out of common courtesy I'd think he should answer texts or pick up the phone/return calls.
Presumably they'd be along the lines of will you be home for dinner? Or do you need anything while I'm shopping?
I'd think it was very rude to just ignore someone completely that was accommodating me.
He might well be an adult but if he's living at home he owes some respect to the people providing a roof over his head and running the household.

He's an adult. It's completely normal and to be expected. Please don't put pressure on him, OP!

He probably wants to establish an air gap between his new independent life and previous stifling close-family surveillance