Dealing with a Toxic VERY Difficult person at Work

[didficultemployee]

Hey everyone, NC just to be sure this is confidential

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation at work and could really use some advice. I'm supposed to be working in partnership with a senior colleague. Technically, I manage this person, but we are both very senior in the company. Here's the problem: this colleague cannot take being told what to do. Everything has to be sugarcoated and glossed over. Additionally, their productivity is slow.

Anytime I try to address these issues, it turns into a huge conflict, no matter how diplomatically I approach it. I believe it's a cultural fit issue, but changing things now is not an option without first trying to resolve.

Does anyone have any tactics or strategies for managing someone like this? How do you handle a senior colleague who resists feedback, especially when it comes to their productivity and performance targets?

'All hell breaks loose' so you wont bring it up and you'll leave him alone. I worked with someone like this, if they didn't want to do something they would act so badly that people just wouldn't ask them going forwards.

I also agree with a PP that he does not think you mange him and that is part of the issue.

I'd suggest (although it will be very awkward) that you include some yearly objectives around their attitude to feedback/behaviours as well as just productivity. I would do it as unemotionally as possible and not make it personal but perhaps go down the "it's really important we all take feedback on board and strive to improve, change and move forward. This year I'll be doing a 360 review to get feedback from everyone I work with. What goals and objectives would you like this year to help you improve, move forward and take on board feedback for where you need to improve". Ideally you want them to buy into their yearly objectives/kpis and contribute to creating them too. You also want them to buy into getting feedback (not just from you but from other stakeholders - clients, their direct reports, colleagues they work closely with) and then building their own development goals around that feedback too. Put in place monthly 121s and allow them to do their own thing in their own way the rest of the month (if youre telling them wgat to do on a daily or weekly basis at a senior level then youre a micro manager) but bring the kpis and objectives to those 121s to discuss. Where they aren't hitting them ask "what are your plans to address this and how can I help you succeed" - document all your 121s ready for the end of the year. At year end, go through them, they cannot say they've not had opportunity or enough support because every month you'll have discussed them, offered help and discussed solutions. If they're consistently not hitting them talk to HR about a performance plan/pip.

This is what I thought. They think you're swinging your ego around, because you're both senior.

It sounds to me as he/she sees you as their equal in terms of seniority.

how do the people above you treat both of you? Sometimes blurred lines come from the top.

I think with difficult people the best way forward is to win them over rather than fight against their nature. I agree with others who have said not to give “instructions “ on what to do. A more collaborative approach works best.

not sure what kind of work you do but could you discuss the overall job needed and let them “manage” the execution of it independently with regular updates with you?

Do stuff and make them think it’s their idea.

The bottom line is you’re the younger colleague/manager who’s come in and wants him to do stuff he’s got away without doing or wants him to do things differently or faster.

Don’t put so much energy into this. Firm KPIs, regular meetings, if he doesn’t perform then take it higher. If he kicks off walk away and ignore it.

Set the kpis

Leave him to it. When he doesn’t hit them have a meeting to discuss why and what his plan is to meet them.

If he doesn’t meet them again have a similar discussion and say if it doesn’t improve you will escalate.

If he doesn’t meet them again, escalate to your boss and let them decide what happens.

Evidence everything in writing.

It is very weird indeed that you open by saying you are "working in partnership with a senior colleague" but technically you manage them.
Those are two very different things, and if you are confused about your roles then no wonder they are.

Things like them asking what tasks you are working on that day is them 'pretending' to manage you - they are signalling that they will treat you like their equal. They don't understand your position.

Is the formal line-management structure clear in the organisation? Are you the colleague's line manager for all purposes or just this project? Do they think that someone else is their 'real' line manager?

How has this situation arisen? How come you think you are colleague's manager but they don't recognise that?

Use the formal structure: take it to your line manager and ask them to ask colleague's line manager to clarify and formalise the situation.

Once they understand that you are in fact formally managing them, at least for this project /area of work, then you can move forward.
You then use all the usual management tools (meetings, targets, KPI's, etc etc.) and document everything, back up every conversation with an email.

But you can't do anything without clarity of authority.

@Mirabai after having time to reflect you are 100% right. No further energy needs to go into this - he either meets the expectation or doesn't I completely agree

@Bymrsjeeves 😂 you're right

@SleepQuest33 that's exactly the conclusion I've come to - and if the targets are not met then formal management of that situation

Are they a QP?
Sounds like classic QP behaviour.

@Doggymummar I love your approach

@Ireallywantadoughnut36 I agree that daily catchups is micro managing which some people need and love - but in this situation I don't think it's the right approach. If they want autonomy I'll happily give it to them BUT if they don't deliver then that's the end, they can't have their cake AND eat it

What does QP mean please?

Clear boundaries and clear end results. Give them the kpi's they need to work to. If they can't or won't document this. Time to start to either manage their behaviour, if that doesn't work then manage them out the company.

If they aren't hitting milestones and not doing what they are supposed to be and poor performance then time to start putting them in a performance plan. I'd also speak to hr for guidance

Sounds as though they are like most of the members of my family - all ND and therefore prone to PDA (pathological demand avoidance) - also known as ‘not liking to be told what to do’ or ‘being a difficult bastard’.

We have found that we operate better as a family without directions/demands/instructions. Instead of: tidy your room now [you lazy bugger] we will say: would it be an idea to tidy your room today, if you do it now we could go out and do X that you wanted? Or we have guests coming today, are you okay with them seeing the house like this [implying: and making judgements] or shall we all work together to get it shipshape?

Ie. It’s about offering choices and pointing out consequences, then allowing the other party to ‘choose’. You get really adept as asking the ‘right’ questions to get the outcome you want in most cases - and yes, it seems bloody annoying not to simply just ask and be direct, but if doing that gets the other party’s hackles up (for whatever reason) you’ve pretty much stymied yourself anyway.

As others have mentioned, a management course would help - the approach to PDA is pretty much what I’ve seen on every people management training course I’ve ever attended.

@BusyMummy001 I agree with a lot of this, but in my case it comes from working with someone who I am not qualified to diagnose but let's just say when I googled 'working with a narcissist' I suddenly understood what had happened.

@didficultemployee Reading between the lines, it sounds as if you are getting some kind of anger/rage when you try and tell this person what to do and what is expected, and this is what is making the process so difficult. In which case, I would suggest that you also google 'working with a narcissist' and see what fits... If it does, be careful because this person will have a real internal need not to be proved wrong and so you need to be documenting everything, as suggested above to cover your back. I'd also suggest getting HR involved now, even if you just tell them what is going on. Because I don't think this will get better easily.

I think this is right. If you're both senior, it's actually ridiculous to be offering constant instructions and directions and to be acting like a micro manager. A senior person, even if they are under you in the heirachy, should be able to be allocated a task and expected to get on with it. If he can, great. If he can't, that's another conversation.

I used to work in investment banking. It was always interesting to me to watch how senior bankers in the same team worked together. So there might be 3 managing directors by title, but one guy was the head of the team. But while that person was the one we went to for the big decisions etc, their was never any sense that the other MDs were having to report in daily. They had responsibilities within the team and were expected to get on with it.

You are a micro manager and that doesn't work with senior people of any sort.

Think you are being too kind in your approach generally so when you need to discuss issues with his work he won't want to listen. Basically you need to sit down and explain to him the dynamics and if he has a problem with this then HR is the way to go.

I have a formal 121 with my team members ( x 6 people) every month. Review L&D requests, IT or system issues, objectives etc. The usual.

In addition to this I have
Monday - 15 minutes with each of them to see what they're coming week looks like, do they foresee any challenges, is there anything I can help with. I follow this up with an email along the lines of "hey X sounds like you have a plan for the week, keep me in the loop with ABC, and give me a shout if you need support with XYZ. My calendar is up to date if you need to pop in a call for any reason".

Tuesday - whole team meeting, review performance data, everyone summarises what their current focus is, wins and issues plus any internal Comms that I need to cascade.

Thursday morning ( as Friday is my non working day) 10 mins check in to review where they are up to, on track for deadlines, actions for the following week etc.

Do you have / could you introduce something similar within your team?

That way this person cannot claim they are being singled out but you have evidence from the 121's and check ins the reviewing of tasks, deadlines, kpi's and support you have offered etc in case you go to HR to raise a capability issue?

I had a very difficult team member in my first position managing people. Holy Christ it was like a baptism of fire from the day after I signed off her probation! Luckily our HR business partner was the best support I could've asked for. Told me to record every interaction, tasks set, reviews etc.

He actually said to me, I'll give it 3 months and she will have put in a grievance against you. And she did.
It went nowhere (but jeez the stress) and she did it just to cause upset in the team. She was moved to another manager (same team) and did the same thing. She was managed out within a year of being moved to another team.

This! Also, you’re dealing with grown adults at work who, in their own lives, manage perfectly well without being told what to do at every turn. People don’t like it and won’t co- operate unless they like & respect you. Any manager should get to know their team members & suss out what’s important to the individual- money, flexibility, career development etc.

Strict measurable KPIs - held accountable.
Inhad one of these- managed out of the business, a blessing for all of us - he was clearly unhappy and needed a shove

I say this as a company owner. What needs to be done needs to be done and your job is to get it done. Micromanagement will never work, if someone has clear directives they should be left to get on with it so they can take pride in demonstrating their own abilities. So…

You should have a clearly written policy and procedure for each method of work, you have KPI to measure this.

You build regular reviews to assess these being met. It’s not emotive, it’s factual delivery ‘you did not meet this objective, can you tell me why? Is there anything we can support you with that would change this? Do you have any suggestions to improve processes that you believe would achieve greater results? Really listen in these moments, might they have a point? Is it worth trying something different and seeing the results to make a final decision on the best way forward? Also, mantra should meaningfully be, we are a company committed to continuous development so have no problem providing additional support and training’. Document. Apply any suggestions they make for support and training.

If they are truly just difficult and will not work with you despite the above this will become a live with it or let go situation.

I have a member of staff who always believes she’s right, doesn’t matter what it is, critique is not something she responds well to. Yet when someone wrongs her (outside of work situations) she will go off, like if her pizza is late, and almost bully people to get a discount on things, etc. She has even, in the past, tried to manage other members of staff with no clue of the policies and procedures they follow. I genuinely am perplexed by how someone could have so much stress over the small things in life sometimes 🙂. Lately she has taken to trying to dictate her own hours of late by just coming in early….

I tolerate none of this… each review we go through skills/abilities/attainments. There is praise for progress, but there are SMART goals for failures. I have implemented a million training sessions and things are steadily improving, but the bottom line (and what I keep banging on about) is that continuous personal development in our company and jobs is a non negotiable, because we don’t win awards standing still.

Rinse and repeat. She loves me and hates me in equal measure, but, bottom line, she knows I am right and respects me 🤷🏻‍♀️. Together we will work it out 🙂.

How would you manage someone who is cooperative and positive? Imagine this scenario then repeat, rinse and repeat to get the point across. Also getting in a 3rd party, maybe just someone to take minutes of a meeting, can help as what is said is in black and white and you are being professional with your expectations. When one to one and the other is defensive and refuses this is so difficult and support needed. Xx