I’m adopted. I’ve known since I was old enough to know. My brother is also adopted, completely different adoption.
i hope this won’t be too long.
My parents moved to a part of the country where wages are low and career prospects very poor when we were young. Neither them of my brother are academic, but I was from the start. At the age of 23 I realised I was doomed to working in catering for shit wages and for shit hours, so I took the decision to join the military, and had a wonderful (mainly) 17 years. I met my husband through work, he’s not originally from the UK, and I left the forces on redundancy after having 2 children.
They didn’t come to our wedding, making excuses, but they eventually admitted it was ‘because we thought he was just after a passport’.
My mum had always not liked my ‘leaving them’ to join up, but when I was pregnant with my first child it really ramped up once she realised we had no plans to move back to where they lived. Comments got bitchier and bitchier, they rarely visited, and when they did they would only stay overnight,or 2 nights at most. We visited them, although it got progressively more difficult and expensive as they had got themselves into debt buying a property in Spain, taking out 2 loans, using all the money from selling their home in the UK as well as cashing in my Dad’s pension. We always felt in the way when we went to visit, they’d spend a day with us and then ask us what we were doing for the rest of the time, making it clear they wanted us out of the house and they didn’t want to join us. On one occasion my Dad blew up at my husband and threatened to hit him ‘for sneering’ and they both really ripped into my husband. My mum said all the trouble and misunderstanding was caused because we didn’t live near them.
The last time I saw the was around 10 years ago, we booked to go and stay near them, asked them to help us find a campsite, they didn’t so we chose one off the internet which failed to state it was on the top of a bloody cliff, on sloping fields. The weather was horrific, wind and rain and it was awful. At the time they had a spare room, but didn’t offer it for the kids, and they had a caravanette me and DH could have kept dry in. We went home early, my mum was incandescent and a week later she called me and proceeded to lay into every aspect of me, my family, my career, house…everything. I didn’t speak to her for months. Eventually I felt so consumed by it all I got back in touch.
From that point I was low contact and shared little info with her, just civil talking with no real details. Things were calm if impersonal. Last year I felt strong enough to go and see them so booked an AirBnB and arranged the time off. At 5am the day I was meant to travel mum rang and said I couldn’t come, all sorts of contradictory reasons. I felt really, really rejected and it distanced me from them even more.
Last week, for some stupid reason, they started moaning about problems they were having with their laptop, and an app they have for something to do with the property in Spain. My brother is on the finance for it, and they are very clear it will be his (not sure if they still owe anything on it or not) when they are gone. I offered to help them with the app, they got very defensive and my mum basically had a hissy fit and refused to speak. Their tech knowledge is very low, and they are constantly asking how to do things with their phones etc. so the way they acted was quite odd. I felt pushed out, again. I to,d them that’s how they’d made me feel.
Things calmed down and mum asked when we could speak. I called on Friday and had an hour of them explaining that because I moved away ‘and am not interested in them’ I’ve excluded myself which is why they’ve given my brother full POA, executor etc etc. He lives about 50 miles from them, has never moved since he moved in with his partner. My father said that I haven’t earnt any involvement in anything to do with them as I’ve decided not to live near them. I asked them if they had friends with kids who lived away ‘no, they all live near, they’re not all consumed with their jobs, money and ambition.
I’m rambling into details that probably mean nothing, but I can’t explain how low, hurt and rejected I feel. I feel like they’re punishing me for wanting success for me and my family. My husband just wishes I could cut them off entirely, and honestly, I wish I could.
My brother and I speak rarely, Mum says he remembers me being bossy with him when we were kids so gives me a wide berth. On other occasions she says he just doesn’t think.
I feel fucking flattened and don’t know how to feel better.
please be gentle.