Or are they?

[DejectedRejected]

I’m adopted. I’ve known since I was old enough to know. My brother is also adopted, completely different adoption.

i hope this won’t be too long.

My parents moved to a part of the country where wages are low and career prospects very poor when we were young. Neither them of my brother are academic, but I was from the start. At the age of 23 I realised I was doomed to working in catering for shit wages and for shit hours, so I took the decision to join the military, and had a wonderful (mainly) 17 years. I met my husband through work, he’s not originally from the UK, and I left the forces on redundancy after having 2 children.

They didn’t come to our wedding, making excuses, but they eventually admitted it was ‘because we thought he was just after a passport’.

My mum had always not liked my ‘leaving them’ to join up, but when I was pregnant with my first child it really ramped up once she realised we had no plans to move back to where they lived. Comments got bitchier and bitchier, they rarely visited, and when they did they would only stay overnight,or 2 nights at most. We visited them, although it got progressively more difficult and expensive as they had got themselves into debt buying a property in Spain, taking out 2 loans, using all the money from selling their home in the UK as well as cashing in my Dad’s pension. We always felt in the way when we went to visit, they’d spend a day with us and then ask us what we were doing for the rest of the time, making it clear they wanted us out of the house and they didn’t want to join us. On one occasion my Dad blew up at my husband and threatened to hit him ‘for sneering’ and they both really ripped into my husband. My mum said all the trouble and misunderstanding was caused because we didn’t live near them.

The last time I saw the was around 10 years ago, we booked to go and stay near them, asked them to help us find a campsite, they didn’t so we chose one off the internet which failed to state it was on the top of a bloody cliff, on sloping fields. The weather was horrific, wind and rain and it was awful. At the time they had a spare room, but didn’t offer it for the kids, and they had a caravanette me and DH could have kept dry in. We went home early, my mum was incandescent and a week later she called me and proceeded to lay into every aspect of me, my family, my career, house…everything. I didn’t speak to her for months. Eventually I felt so consumed by it all I got back in touch.

From that point I was low contact and shared little info with her, just civil talking with no real details. Things were calm if impersonal. Last year I felt strong enough to go and see them so booked an AirBnB and arranged the time off. At 5am the day I was meant to travel mum rang and said I couldn’t come, all sorts of contradictory reasons. I felt really, really rejected and it distanced me from them even more.

Last week, for some stupid reason, they started moaning about problems they were having with their laptop, and an app they have for something to do with the property in Spain. My brother is on the finance for it, and they are very clear it will be his (not sure if they still owe anything on it or not) when they are gone. I offered to help them with the app, they got very defensive and my mum basically had a hissy fit and refused to speak. Their tech knowledge is very low, and they are constantly asking how to do things with their phones etc. so the way they acted was quite odd. I felt pushed out, again. I to,d them that’s how they’d made me feel.

Things calmed down and mum asked when we could speak. I called on Friday and had an hour of them explaining that because I moved away ‘and am not interested in them’ I’ve excluded myself which is why they’ve given my brother full POA, executor etc etc. He lives about 50 miles from them, has never moved since he moved in with his partner. My father said that I haven’t earnt any involvement in anything to do with them as I’ve decided not to live near them. I asked them if they had friends with kids who lived away ‘no, they all live near, they’re not all consumed with their jobs, money and ambition.

I’m rambling into details that probably mean nothing, but I can’t explain how low, hurt and rejected I feel. I feel like they’re punishing me for wanting success for me and my family. My husband just wishes I could cut them off entirely, and honestly, I wish I could.

My brother and I speak rarely, Mum says he remembers me being bossy with him when we were kids so gives me a wide berth. On other occasions she says he just doesn’t think.

I feel fucking flattened and don’t know how to feel better.

please be gentle.

Oh I wish I could give you a hug. It's all them, not you.

And there's nothing wrong with bossy!

I suspect they feel that you are, in some ways, better than them because you displayed academic talent & career success when they didn't. I'm guessing they feel that you have rejected them because you've moved away & done well for yourself when they have repeatedly tried to improve their own lives in the way they wanted to and not succeeded. It's their sense of failure, insecurity and rejection they're projecting and the tragedy is they're missing out on sharing in your wonderful life, knowing your beautiful children and your fantastic self.

The underlying grief they have is then turned around into spite & jealousy because they lack the emotional intelligence to deal with such complex feelings. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they're jealous, small-minded & bitter.

Let them go. You don't deserve such cruelty.

You're NOT the problem.

Aww I'm so sorry you are going through this it sounds awful. It does sound like they are very insecure people and therefore don't like that you have moved away and made something of your life. Maybe because it makes them feel inferior to you? That isn't a you problem though, it's them. It's a bitter pill to swallow but I doubt they will ever see that and it will be easier for them to blame you moving away on your distant relationship when in reality lots of families remain close after moving.
I would say for your MH it would be worth you stopping contact with them completely. I understand this is a very hard thing to do but so it continuing this toxic relationship.

I agree with this post very much op.

Adoptive parent here, and I would say my dd's lack of confidence that I will always love her and keep her safe is one of our biggest challenges. I am so sorry that you don't feel unconditionally loved and accepted by your parents. It is easy for pp to say go no contact, and maybe you will decide to do that, but you still have to deal with the emotional consequences of so much parental abandonment.

Don't just cope, get some proper help with this from an adoption-aware therapist. Adoption UK may be a good starting point. I suspect your mother too may be insecure about her parental status - that is not your responsibility but a therapist could help you understand it and work out how best to look after yourself in this difficult situation.

Adoption always starts with loss and the grief of that loss can last forever. Adoptive parents endure some kinds of loss as well, but we are the ones that have chosen this and its up to us to help our children live with it. Whatever pain your mother has been through, it is not your job to mother her. Your focus should be on yourself now. You may find it easier to move forward with anger or compassion or both, but prioritise taking care of the part of you that feels like an abandoned child still.

Very best of luck to you x

Oh OP that sounds so tough

I can only say what my approach was - which was, as an adult, to actively seek my own' family' of friends - I have a good relationship with my mum (she would see it as wonderful), but I have always been treated as the second child - my sibling is the poster child for monumental fuck up - me I did it all right - college, Uni, job, house, marriage, grandchildren - but it was just never quiet good enough. My sibling could turn up pissed to a wedding and shit on the cake and my mum would be 1000 times more happy to see them than me!

So I just stopped - I stopped trying to please her or seek validation from her, I stopped judging myself by her standards, I went low contact with sibling, my kids - now in their 20's also see it now and get cross on my behalf but I found just letting go of her importance in my view of myself so liberating.

Find love and acceptance in your DH, your kids and your mates - you don't owe her space in your feelings of 'enough' ness.

The latest is - I'm not getting any inheritance - because it wouldn't be fair on my sibling and if she left us both money my sibling would blow it on drugs - so yeah - that's fair!

When I read your story my heart breaks. You are amazing and deserve so much better than their bad treatment, zero ambition and depressing way of going on. You should be so proud of yourself. You said you got counseling years ago for something else. If you could find a good integrative/humanistic therapist who you really feel you click with, and commit to maybe 10 sessions. The idea is that the therapeutic relationship mimics a secure relationship where you can kind of re-set your attachment. Of course you feel doubly abandoned. Your childhood is in the past and that great love and security can exist in the present now with your own family if you deal with all this pain. I wish you so much love 💕

I’m so sorry. You have done nothing wrong here. I’m afraid your parents (mother especially) sound like they have some traits or narcissistic personality disorder or, at best, are just extremely jealous and resent you having made a success of your life. Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube and see it some of the things she talks about don’t resonate.

I think your husband is right here - time to go NC. You have your own family now - focus on making that a loving and supportive environment for you, your DH and DC.

Thank you all for your lovely words. I was doing so well until this weekend. I used to run to tell her every tiny thing, hoping she would be proud/pleased.

Our eldest is from IVF - years of anguish prior to that, like so many. Once when I was talking to her on the phone after a scan she said something like ‘why should I be interested, I will never see it’. I think things deteriorated from that point.

I absolutely don’t think she ever came to peace with their infertility and I wonder if my finally carrying a baby triggered her. My kids are older teenagers and they say she just acts like some jealous girl the same age.

I have access to counselling via social services, as an adopted adult, I am going to contact them this week and see if I can get some strength from it.

Pff, what a gutting reaction to your news. The way you’re trying to rationalize their reaction. You are so full of love and hope, you have an unbreakable spirit. As far as you’ve come in life, I think you’re just getting started. Im getting that you are like cream that rises to the top, and obs that would make them uncomfortable, but keep on shining you are amazing.

Perhaps your parents (maybe brother as well) are jealous of your success in life, compared to their struggles and failures.

I’m so sorry, just reading about these rejections is painful.

Maybe your brother and his partner have loads of kids and your parents love them endlessly… but my adoptive mother absolutely lost her mind when my brother announced his wife was pregnant. Think it triggered some long buried fury about her infertility and how the consolation prize of adoption had been pretty disappointing. That baby is 25 now, she still has little but criticism for my brother; says his wife is evil. Childfree me remains the golden child (it used to switch between us)

Edited to add I didn’t see your post about her infertility until after I wrote this

Maybe you could find your birth family? They sound awful though, I'd go no contact with them.

I did find my BM, years ago. My adoptive parents went nuts, called me sly, ungrateful etc. to the point I all but imploded with guilt and conflict and never communicated directly with my BM.

I am 56 now, I suspect it’s too late.

Brother’s partner and him have 2 girls together. The partner used to be the best thing since sliced bread, and probably the daughter my mum wanted (never worked, stayed in the same place she was born etc etc). However, mum always bitched about everyone behind their back, and she stupidly hadn’t ended the call and was heard slagging off bro’s partner who stopped speaking to her. I believe they’ve met once since then but it’s pretty much no contact as far as I’m aware. I did suggest mum just apologise for speaking badly but her words ‘I’m not crawling’.

She barely spoke to her father before he died, hadn’t spoken to her brother since I was 5, dad isn’t in contact with his sister, neither of them have any contact with cousins etc. Now when I think of it she always talked of various ones as ‘mouthy and always bragging’. It’s like pathological jealousy, isn’t it?

You’re a child no longer and not answerable to your mother. It’s unreal the grip toxic family members can have. I’d try to reach birth mother, she was possibly a young woman at the time she had you so maybe not too late.

Please search for the "But we took you to stately homes " threads, they will be very helpful to you.
I'm sorry you are being treated this way, it says much about them, you deserve better.
Counselling can be useful, but you may never get answers from your adoptive parents as to why they do what they do.
Be prepared to grieve the parents you didn't have, it is a big part of coming to terms with the situation.
Consider going no contact to protect yourself and your family.
Best wishes to you, it's hard, it's unfair, and there may never be resolution; but take comfort in knowing you did nothing to deserve this treatment, it's really their problem.

I'm so sorry you feel rejected. I wish you'd ended up in a lovely family instead of this dysfunctional mess.

You should be very proud of yourself. I'm sure your own family are proud of you (dh and dcs). Please concentrate on their love. Do whatever you can to emotionally heal.

How old would BM be now? She may still be alive?