Upset over a game

[poppymango]

This is an incredibly stupid thing to be getting upset over but for some reason it has be questioning the whole way my brain works.

Bear with me.

I have a colleague at work who always wants to play games when it’s quiet. Latest one is Connect 4. I have never won. I used to sometimes when I played it as a kid but, this colleague is always several steps ahead of me. She’s also really good at chess, which is a game I’ve never been able to get my head round. That’s a game where it’s all about strategy and thinking several steps ahead, too. My dad tried to teach me as a kid but I ended up crying (and he would get angry) because I just didn’t get it. I understand what pieces can move where etc, but the game itself is somehow lost on me. I just can’t grasp it.

I’m not a competitive person in the slightest, but I’ve started to wonder if this child’s game is an illustration of the way my brain works. I really struggled at school (really struggled) and honestly my life isn’t really where it should be. Finances are a mess, no savings, badly paid job and no qualifications really. I feel like the problem of not being able to see the big picture and think ahead is somehow hardwired into my brain, and is affecting big things as well as small.

People keep laughing at me when I lose this stupid game and now that I see the connection with the rest of my life I’m actually getting a bit upset by it. Like it’s not just a game, and I’m exposing my mental failures. I know I’m being a bit silly but I feel like there might actually be something wrong with me.

Am I being an idiot or might there actually be something more to this? I’m half hoping this could be explained by some kind of neurodivergence so I could get a diagnosis and understand it better (and, honestly, have something to blame it on).

I don’t think I’m “stupid” in all ways but I’m definitely lacking. AIBU?

Have a look at adhd or ADD. you sound similar to me.

Not saying for certain because there could be lots of reasons for this but my ASD and ADHD DS has never won a game of connect 4 or chess either, even against his 7 yo sister, who just moves around the board picking off all his pieces. He just doesn’t see it. He’s the same as you in that he knows the moves but can’t see what might happen if he plays one way or another. Mind you, he’s not concerned that he never wins, and still chooses to play the games with her 🤣
Your colleagues shouldn’t be so nasty about it, but why do you keep playing if it bothers you? There must be other games you’re good at? It’s ok for this not to be your forte. Or are you more concerned about the wider impacts you mentioned?

Probably you could learn strategy in these sorts of games if taught. People who are good at chess are good because they've studied it. However, fundamentally yanbu. I find games like this don't come naturally and I also get upset and frustrated. I would just not play at work. Or ask your colleague to coach you if you have a good relationship? And nourish and cherish your own strengths.

I don't think it's necessarily to do with ASD or ADHD -ds has both and is far better than his siblings at things like chess.
It's a bit of logical thinking, strategy and can be bothered. I can never be bothered to work out more than a couple of moves ahead!

It wouldn't surprise me if you were neurodiverse.

I am, and diagnosed late in life, and I don't understand a lot of games, either.

I don't understand why planes stay up in the air, no matter how many times people explain it to me.

It's strange people saying ADHD, I have ADHD and I'm really really good at stuff like this. To the point I've actually won prizes in the thousands in a similar related thing (obviously not in connect 4). I am often able to look at something and see hundreds of possibilities and plan extremely far in advance. I always assumed my ADHD was part of it as I often 'skip think' and can comoute the pros and cons of each move very quickly.

Your collegues sound mean though for laughing at you, you might have strengths in other areas or different types of thinking, or high emotional intelligence. I think it's a bit unafir that she would continue to play against you knowing that it would end in embarrassment, I wouldn't be letting myself thrash somebody at chest week in week out, it would make be feel like I was being a total cunt. Obviously your colleague has no issue with that, which imo says more about her than it does you.

It's worth noting as well that you can improve at these things if you practise then a lot. Its a bit like a muscle the more you flex it the stronger it gets and becomes more natural and intuitive. Maybe start with slower paced logic puzzles like sudoku, and don't beat yourself up if you can't do it at the start. Work on being able to eventually complete them and then complete them more quickly.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. I have an Oxbridge degree and am very good at anything word-based, but I'm terrible at strategic games, especially ones like chess. I know how the pieces move, but I can't see the board or potential moves and consequences in the way other people can. I simply cannot plan ahead in that way. I'm very bad at anything spatial or anything that involves sequencing. Also unbelievably bad at directions and remembering my way to anywhere. I mean staggeringly bad!

I'm naturally rubbish at strategy games and also really struggled with maths at school, despite doing well in every other subject. I can never remember what moves all the different chess pieces do, despite a few different people trying to teach me over the years. I generally have a good memory in everyday life, but seem to have a mental block in memorising rules to games. I was also rubbish at sports as I'm not even remotely competitive!

My DH is a big gamer and I've learnt to play some very basic board games over the years so I can socialise with him and his friends, but there's normally an element of luck involved rather than them being very strategic. Any game where there's many steps involved in taking a turn and my brain blue screens! I've had people think I'm taking the piss as I'm so slow to learn how a game works, so agree it's frustrating if your brain just doesn't work that way.

I think it depends on whether you have the hyper focus trait. DS absolutely doesn’t, maybe you do?

I can't play RPG/open-world computer games either, as I just get lost and have no idea where I'm going

Edited as I posted on the wrong thread!

It could be that you sense her competitive ruthlessness and it fucks with your concentration.

But I say very strongly: don’t ever play her again. Make light of it - “oh his no thanks, I won’t be playing that again! Kids games obviously aren’t my strong suit!”

It's funny you mentioned this because I get lost very very easily as well. Somebody asked me to collect a parcel for them from one of those in post lockers and despite me having lived in this city for over five years I got lost in the shopping centre that I go to weekly trying to find it. I can follow maps fine and directions to get to a location, I just have absolutely no recall for my surroundings! It's like I'm there for the first time every time 😳 that isn't an exaggeration. I had to use a map to find my street from the town square (under half a mile away) for the first two years!

Yep, I'd do that too! I have to go to a place very regularly for a long time in order to remember the way. It's very annoying!

I'm very good at Connect 4. But I met someone who was better and enjoyed beating me. I was miffed, but just decided not to play against him any more.

Another who disagrees it is either an ADHD or an ASD thing.

Anecdotally, my dc who has ADHD was very good at chess as a child - played for the school and then the County for a bit.
But also, when I was teaching, I came across two or three people who were on the Autistic Spectrum who were excellent at chess.

I think a lot of it is how interested you are. If, like most of us you really aren't bothered about the outcome of a game of Connect 4, then you aren't likely to play much and aren't likely to see patterns and come up with repeated patterns and ways to win.
Same as crosswords - if you do them daily, you get good at them.
Same as football - some people go out there for a kickabout, others watch game after game after game and pick up ideas and tactics and strategies. Cricket - even more so - people get in to how wet / dry the grass is, which way the wind is blowing, how long the grass is and all sorts.
If you knit a lot - you can knit stuff without a pattern and make adjustments knowing how it will come out.

As an aside, what sort of job do you have that you sit around playing Connect 4 every day ?

I wouldn’t be jumping to any conclusions about ADH or anything based on these games. Everyone’s brain works differently. I can’t do a cryptic crossword to save my life but can quickly complete others. Chess and Connect 4 are both strategy games which successful players have studied and know the moves and what it might mean 3 steps ahead. If you've never been taught these you won’t manage to beat someone who has - don’t let 2 games define who you think you might be. Your colleague likes playing these because they have learnt them and are good at them. My choice would be a general knowledge quiz because my mind is good at collecting “useless information” - unless you are doing a general knowledge quiz !

Just don't play them if they make you feel bad. I wasn't very good at that game mastermind. (With the coloured pegs and coding system) . And kept getting beaten by somebody I regarded as much less intelligent than me. Didnt help she cheated IMHO.

Colleagues aren’t being mean about it as such, it’s all lighthearted but it has become a running joke that I lose every time. I’m not letting them know it’s bothering me so it’s not that they’re being deliberately unkind, they just think it’s funny.

I’ve had things I’ve become super absorbed in over the years, with quite in-depth knowledge (never anything useful unfortunately 😂) and on the other hand I often find myself listening to someone speak and suddenly realising with alarm that my mind has been elsewhere from about 20 seconds in.

When I was at school my reports always stated that I was “bright but lazy”, because I never got the grades people expected. Very frustrating because I always really tried, and I couldn’t understand why people thought I had potential. I also didn’t really understand how common study techniques were supposed to help because they never did anything for me. I just did them because everyone else did but saw no positive results.

Maths was always so completely beyond me. If you give me verbal directions I will have forgotten them in 5 seconds but if I walk somewhere once I’ll be able to find my way back every time. I have a very good musical ear but music lessons were like maths lessons to me. I was very good at accents (my mum always thought that was linked with music somehow) but the actual grammatical element of languages made no sense. I still don’t understand how anyone can learn a language the way they’re taught at schools. It’s like teachers are fond of taking things really natural and organic and turning them into an academic nightmare for no sensible reason!

I’m happiest being active and but if I’m
absorbed in a great video game I can play for 8 hours straight and not even notice the time. I was painfully shy as a child and I don’t think anyone would have described me as hyperactive, but I hate sitting at a desk and really come alive when I’m dancing or similar.

I’m not asking for anyone here to diagnose me (!) but I’m trying to make sense of my strengths and weaknesses now, because if my brain is working against me and sabotaging my big life choices then I think I do need to do something about it.

Am glad I don’t sound like I’m completely overreacting.

Omg open world RPGs are my favourite. Utterly absorbing!!

Yep, still sounds like it could be ADHD or ADD.

I don't quite understand people saying it's not based on them knowing one person who isn't the exact same as you. none of us know you and everyone's experience of ND is different. but there's a few behaviours you've described that could be symptoms, not just the thing about the game.

it doesn't hurt to read up on it to see if it resonates with you. Look up for how it presents in females. Most diagnostic criteria are based on how it presents in males so women are very underdiagnosed.

If you don't feel it resonates then all you've done is spent a bit of time reading up and learning about neurodiversity - win win.

I get it OP... I love chess; until the last year or so I only knew how the pieces moved but could never get my head around strategy. I finally signed up and started doing free lessons/puzzles online, and have played against people - and I HAVE improved but boy do I get really annoyed and frustrated when I don't see an opponent's strategy or line of attack! That being said, it IS possible to learn - it takes time and patience though. When my rating started going up though - I was really stoked! It's something I really want to continue improving on but at times I need to take a break because my frustration gets too much.

I haven't played connect 4 since I was a child, but it's similar in terms of spotting patterns/lines of attack - albeit in a more simplified way.

I too have ADHD - so possibly there is a correlation there... but I do like strategy type problems in life so not sure how it all fits together.

All I can advise - and this comes from my progress with Chess - is take your time. Learn what patterns to look for (be it connect 4 or chess!).

I wouldn’t connect being poor at games with being neurodivergent.

I spend my weekends gaming (collectable card games) with DS who has ASD, so many of the other players are neurodivergent too.

I’m really good at connect 4
but not particularly successful or organised in life!

If you were shy as a kid and are still quite an introverted adult that may also factor into it. I have social anxiety and perfectionist personality traits, so I don't enjoy situations where I feel like I might be being watched/judged. Hate trying to follow conversations in large groups, for example. Playing a game against someone I don't know very well would be a stressful situation me for the same reasons. I hate 'real time' activities where there's lots of things to keep track of and am much happy with slower paced solitary activities like gardening and crafting.

If your contact with ND people is at gaming events it stands to reason that the ND people you know are good at gaming. Those of us who aren't good at gaming won't be at those events.

Also ASD is different to ADHD and ADD.