Upset over a game

[poppymango]

This is an incredibly stupid thing to be getting upset over but for some reason it has be questioning the whole way my brain works.

Bear with me.

I have a colleague at work who always wants to play games when it’s quiet. Latest one is Connect 4. I have never won. I used to sometimes when I played it as a kid but, this colleague is always several steps ahead of me. She’s also really good at chess, which is a game I’ve never been able to get my head round. That’s a game where it’s all about strategy and thinking several steps ahead, too. My dad tried to teach me as a kid but I ended up crying (and he would get angry) because I just didn’t get it. I understand what pieces can move where etc, but the game itself is somehow lost on me. I just can’t grasp it.

I’m not a competitive person in the slightest, but I’ve started to wonder if this child’s game is an illustration of the way my brain works. I really struggled at school (really struggled) and honestly my life isn’t really where it should be. Finances are a mess, no savings, badly paid job and no qualifications really. I feel like the problem of not being able to see the big picture and think ahead is somehow hardwired into my brain, and is affecting big things as well as small.

People keep laughing at me when I lose this stupid game and now that I see the connection with the rest of my life I’m actually getting a bit upset by it. Like it’s not just a game, and I’m exposing my mental failures. I know I’m being a bit silly but I feel like there might actually be something wrong with me.

Am I being an idiot or might there actually be something more to this? I’m half hoping this could be explained by some kind of neurodivergence so I could get a diagnosis and understand it better (and, honestly, have something to blame it on).

I don’t think I’m “stupid” in all ways but I’m definitely lacking. AIBU?

You sound similar to me. ADHD diagnosis.
Especially 'bright but lazy'
I cant play chess.
You write so well.

Have you taken the AQ50 OP?

@Bullsey As well as ASD DS has ADHD too. I have a fair amount of contact with neurodivergent people in and out of gaming - of course not everyone enjoys gaming. Within the gaming community neurodivergent people are over represented.

Given that you say maths was totally beyond you & that you struggle with all things financial, I'm going to suggest dyscalculia. Simply put, it's the numerical version of dyslexia. It's poorly understood at the moment (like dyslexia was 30 odd years ago) & is only just being recognised.

Had to Google that - no, I haven’t done that exact test but I’ve done variations of them online in the past.

I tend to overthink them. Like… “I don’t know, how often is often?” Or, “yes but it depends on the context”; or “of course… but wait, doesn’t everybody?!”

If I’m going to get a diagnosis, I’d rather speak to a professional face to face than get my anxiety up with a confusing and inconclusive test.

I’d imagine there are a large number of neurodiverse people who can or can’t play board games just like there are a large number of neurotypical people who can or can’t. It’s not really an indicator of anything. I am good at connect 4 but cannot for the life of me understand chess. Maybe play something that involves luck like ludo

You sound similar to me when it comes to games, I'm dyslexic and don't bother trying to play. I'm dreadful with card games or games with to many rules or instructions to remember.

Maybe play something that involves luck like ludo

That's the sort of thing I like.

Roll the dice & move accordingly!

Your descriptions of yourself resonate with me. I'm awaiting an ADHD assessment if I can get around to filling in the pre-assessment forms.

I don't play connect 4 and probably wouldn't be very good at it. I am really good at scrabble. I play with my husband sometimes and I have to let him win occasionally so it isn't so one-sided.

I don't mind people teasing me a bit over losing a game but if it was every single time I would just stop playing. It's nothing to do with being a bad sport, it just isn't fun if you never win. Your colleague can play solitaire if she hasn't got any work to do.

Throwing in another possibility… dyspraxia. It’s the ‘silent’ SpLD that goes under the radar for so many unless it affects speech or motor coordination. But the brain has issues with organisation. So on a physical level it’s disorganisation of muscular control ie the ‘clumsy child’ syndrome.

But the disorganisation also affects how one thinks, organising which plans to do in what order, our writing skills and affects how well (or not) our memory works. It might appear like ADHD but it’s not. Often it means the person can’t separate upper body from lower body movements so you can’t do the Hulu hoop or row easily etc.

Some people are super good at logic problems and good at things like chess. That doesnt mean that the ones that not good at it are an idiot. Its like them IQ tests. Some people are just good at spotting patterns, but someone who had a lower IQ who doesnt spot them can be good in other ways like general knowledge. We play that 1% club on the tv, but it infuriates DH as he cant spot the patterns and cant sort things with logic, but hes very street smart, and good at sports. For me, I can tap out really easily. Like I attended this talk once at a club of my daughters (she was into astronomy) and I fell asleep lol. Was not good in getting maths either. I still cant do long multiplication now, no matter how many times my dad tried to teach me. Rather than a strategic game, maybe a game of chance is good like ludo, or if you still want to be strategic, cluedo would be a good one as its chance as well as the power of deduction. Or maybe monopoly.

My son with ASD is the absolute opposite of this and is a very logical, very strategic thinker. Excellent at board games and strategic video games and sports. He had his own bank account and control of his own pocket money with debit card 2 years younger than the older DC. His cousin is the same and was the youngest Councillor candidate in our city when he ran. Not saying it's not something, but I don't understand why people immediately go to ND for everything, especially admitting its "something to blame it on" when some are just different thinkers and disorganised or can't think ahead. Doesn't equate to ASD or ADHD. If I looked at things I do many people would say ADHD, I say no it isnt, sometimes I'm just disorganised, can be flaky, have a tendency to procrastinate and have a low attention span when I'm bored. They're all my own fault and I own that. I don't need anything to blame it on.

Edited because today I decided I shouldn't proof read 😆

Because not everyone who is neurodiverse presents exactly like your son, who is only one person among millions with ASD (so not ADHD, ASD or one of the other many neurodiversities).

Plus, he's male, so his experience of ASD is more or less completely irrelevant to a female who may be ADHD/ADD.

It's such a shame for your son that you think his ASD is something to "blame" his differences on, instead of something to be celebrated.

I sought a diagnosis because as an undiagnosed woman, my life was getting more and more difficult. Not because i wanted to "blame something".

Getting a diagnosis changed my life for the better. If my mentioning the possibility to another woman leads to her life becoming easier in any way, because she can then possibly have a reason for why she's struggling then i will continue to do so. If she isn't ND, then no harm has been done.

By the way, the things you describe, along with having an autistic son, mean there's a really good chance you are ND too. That why it's such a shame about your disablist attitude towards other ND people who don't present exactly the same way as the TWO people you know with autism. It's sad really, when the ignorance comes from people who should know better.

Actually I KNOW MORE THAN TWO including non verbal presenting, and a young adult relative who has ASD, ADHD and Tourettes so don't tell me I'm "disablist" what I am against are people who WANT a label to "blame it on" as too many are doing just that! I'm using counter examples the OP has given as to counter the fact she wants something to "blame it on" but you go off, you know who I know clearly. Do let me in on it though.

I'm curious, why's your son allowed a diagnosis and other people are just looking for something to blame it on?

Isn't your son just looking for something to blame it on too?

He wasn't looking for a label or something to blame, esp as he was FIVE when he underwent assessment as a child due to recommendations from school, SALT, OT, educational psychologist and neurological pediatrician and it has enabled EDUCATIONAL support funding for him. I do also know a couple of adults diagnosed later on but they didn't have the attitude of wanting "something to blame" they explored all avenues before it was suggested to go down the assessment pathway, being harder to genuinely diagnose in adulthood as a lot of it relies on the honesty of the person and not exaggerating or googling what they need (yes I've seen people on another forum discussing doing this) not everything is down to ND and it's becoming a mockery. So disagree all you want, I stand by that.

That still doesn't explain why your son's diagnosis is valid and other people's isn't.

I could have written your post, OP. My DH kicks the arse out of me at backgammon, chess, draughts…you name it. Anything that involves planning ahead, strategising and all that jazz is beyond me.

I also struggle with Maths and with left and right.

I’m a teacher, and always found planning SOW months in advance really difficult. And I write, but my novel has been rumbling on for years because plotting is so hard.

My DS was diagnosed ADHD as an adult, and he made me do the tests (he was diagnosed online during lockdown). I was pretty much off the scale.

He didn't want "something to blame" did he? He was diagnosed in childhood, at its most raw. But of course you ignore everything else I've said, just like you know everyone I know and make amusing assumptions like a genetic link. Keep it up.

Some of what you said certainly sounds like ADHD to me OP. I'd say you don't find chess and connect 4 very interesting. I like those type of games but I hate the likes of Minecraft, I don't know where I am, I hate the view.

We sound similar OP and I'm in the process of getting an ADHD diagnoses! Definitely YANBU!
I can relate to being upset by games. I share a lot of common interests with people who like video/board games. But I stopped going to meetups because I'm simply rubbish at them. It's shit ALWAYS coming last/needing more explanation etc. There's also the element of judgement and keeping track of things as @BabySnarkDoDoo says. Who in their right mind would enjoy losing 99% of the time?

And also, quite frankly, my brain is great at detecting patterns etc - but for other things! In my job (I'm a software developer) I can spot problems etc quicker than others. I'm also great with linguistic and visual input, word/rhyming games etc are my jazz. I just don't do the 'computing probabilities and detail etc) and not to sound sour or anything. But I know which skill I'd prefer. Computers can play chess. And follow rigid rules, logically calculated. Computers can't think laterally, create structure out of chaos, or inspire people.

My life has turned out great by accident, I met some people who were like me and followed their path. Similarly, my SIL, who has ADHD (diagnosed at uni) floundered until she did work experience at a farm and loved it. The girl who left school with C's and D's at A-level thrived at agricultural school, she got every competitive work placement going and now travels the world, working on farms in exotic places!

That may not have happened for you, but it's absolutely not your fault.

You need to find your own way. ADD magazine is a good resource.

Also, your colleagues are horrible. Even if you 'laugh it off' it doesn't take a genius to deduce that losing all the time isn't fun, and find something else to play. Rationality etc doesn't make up for having no empathy.

If I were you I'd use the quiet time to do something 'worthy', like learning a language etc instead of playing mindless games and doesn't seem like a slight on them. I'm gobby and would tell them point blank that it's no fun losing all the time, but you might not want to if you're shy.

I think everyone has a thing that no matter what they do they just cannot do it.
My thing is directions.
For the life of me can’t read a map.
Google maps couldn’t use that. Thought when it said 200yards etc I had to estimate - didn’t realise you had to “start” the journey.
Not for lack of trying - I do not understand how I’m looking one way and that means the map could be sideways or upside down. north should always be forward and it isn’t and that blows my mind.
I have to call someone and get the directions in words, with things I can see.
Hospital maps might actually be the worst, every floor has a layer, that’s a different colour, and you have to put the maps together to find the stairs. I need to actually have a physical copy and put the stairs on top of the other stairs to even begin to picture it.
Im in my 20s. As far as I’m aware I’m neurotypical. Just my thing I can’t do 😂

Eh, everyone's different and you obviously have things that you ARE good at so I wouldn't worry about this.

Where the hell do you work that playing board games during quiet times is acceptable anyway? Is there really nothing you could be doing workwise?

I have to think every time to tell left from right, have very little spatial awareness and got a First from Oxbridge, OP. I can play Chess against my 7 yo and still beat her - only just. And this is her taught by me, so she just sees it differently to me.
I quite liked maths and languages at school though. Liked the rules. Some clicked- some didn't.

I think what a pp said is true about being interested. If I was really motivated, I could do most things I think. I cannot be arsed with continually plotting strategy in a way that doesn't come naturally to me to play chess - so I don't. I'd have to really concentrate to get my brain to do it, so I don't. This has been the case for everything I've struggled with. I am lazy. I do the things that catch me, not the other things.

Your doctor will ask you to take the AQ50 as a preliminary to getting an ASD diagnosis.