To feel slightly resentful for being the “poor relations”

[greyerle]

Growing up we were lower middle class. Parents both worked in semi-professional roles. Lived in a 3 bed terraced house. Went to Spain every year.

Compared to the rest of the family (especially my dads) we were seen as the poor relations. Most family members had their own businesses or worked in professional jobs like a doctor, barrister, head mistress.

My father went to a well renowned boarding school but left with barely any qualifications as he preferred drink and other substances, then went travelling for several years. He only afforded a deposit on the house because a relative gifted it.

Went to a bad state comp where I was bullied for being “posh” but then at university was seen as “poor”. Never really went without basics but knew that my dad was capable of so so much more if he had applied himself or worked hard.

I’ve seen the real confidence boost that going to a good school has had on cousins. Plus being gifted deposits for flats has enabled them to flourish in their careers and take more risks.

What have you made of yourself? That’s surely more relevant than the decisions your father made.

Stop comparing your situation with that of others. You are doing yourself no favours. Concentrate on your own life and stop being so obsessed about class.

Tbh, I don't entirely see what the issue is there. Obviously it wasn't ideal for you but that's the case for a huge amount of people. You got to go to university for example, plenty don't get that opportunity. It gets to a point where you have to park the childhood stuff and move on.

Cor that chip on your shoulder must be pretty heavy!

But jokes aside, your life is what you make it, so make something of it. I know plenty of people who have come from modest beginnings to go on and have fulfilling, happy and comfortable lives.

Your dad had a "leg up" but hasn't given him the advantages you so crave, it doesn't always follow does it?

Pick up your feet and get on with it, what do you want to achieve

Pretty sure you’ll find many people on MNet who have got on with it who will have a much tougher time than “only” getting to go to Spain every year and both parents working

I can understand your point about the level of support available to a young adult can have a huge impact upon the choices they might make. But everyone’s circumstances differ and all you can do is play the hand you’ve been dealt. It doesn’t do to dwell on what might have been if you’d been born to different parents. I can understand that it’s hard when you have family and constantly get the differences under your nose. All you can do is be the best you can be. And tell yourself how well you have done despite the circumstances.

I don't understand your point? Life isn't fair?

Yes, your cousins were luckier than you. Just as you're luckier than millions of others.

You had a normal upbringing and got to go to uni. Sounds good to me.

But yes I agree with you that going to selective schools is not just about academic achievement. It's about making the right friends, acquiring polish and confidence and making contacts that will set you up for life.

Really, 'class' ideation causes so many issues. You need to concentrate on what you have made of your life.

We grew up in a council house (which my parents did later buy, to be honest), but parents were both in professional jobs (teacher, engineer). The three of us (sister, brother & me) went to a decent state comprehensive, and all three of us went to good Unis. One is considered fairly wealthy, because of the industry/sector they are in. The other two of us are in health/education, so pretty standard - but good - incomes.

My parents were from poorer backgrounds - one growing up in poverty, really. They are clear about the transformative power of education, and hard work. I would suggest that's maybe a less self-destructive way to think.

The flat deposits - i get but sadly thats a reality of life. I had no gifted deposits or help and it is hard when you watch your friend get "given" a 4 bed house at 23...and then she wants to complain about her disposable income.
But life isnt fair....we all know that.

The "boarding school gives you an inner glow" nonsense is exsctly that; nonsense.
I went to a highly academic school half the girls couldnt compete with the 0.005% there and left with their self esteem in tatters, huge feelings of inadequacy and had more issues than vogue.

Your dad sounds like a wastrel but at some point its on you to make a go of it and you are responsible for you.

We have kids in this country, and their parents, who do not have enough to eat, who have to stay home from school when they have their periods as they can afford sanitary products, and are at the whim of unscrupulous landlords living in conditions most of us cannot imagine. And you're pissed off about what exactly from your childhood?

Your dads a dosser - it happens! DH is in the same boat. His brother is also a total dosser and DH has worked a minimum wage job all his life. His cousins went o Oxford and live in mansions in London - so what? They don't seem any happier than us tbh. This is how life is an jealousy will only name you poorer and bitter - enjoy what you have and what you can make of it.

I will also add that if your dad had not been a dosser and gone off to Uni, he wouldn't have met your mum and you wouldn't exist! So be glad your dad pissed about and was in the right place at the right time for your existence

https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/how-rich-am-i
this is also helpful and puts things in perspective :)

Dwelling on these perceived unfairnesses is not going to help you at all. Try to move on and focus on your life as it is now and what you can do to achieve your goals.

Your father gave you a roof over your head, food on your plate and an education.

He doesn’t owe you luxuries.

Plenty of state school kids achieve a lot in life (if they put their heart to it - in your own words)

I'm the child of poor immigrants who had nothing when they came to this country in the 80s. My dad worked as a taxi driver. We had no holidays and our toys were second hand. I went to the local bad comp, then on to university and now earn a high salary.

I am nothing but gratetul to my parents.

So many of these posts lately from grown women who think other people owe them success/money.

You're an adult, you make your own way in life.

If you get a leg-up along the way then great, but if you don't, try being grateful for what you did have.

This

True

You've posted this before haven't you?

Move on.

What have you done to better your situation?

Some people get a better hand dealt to them in life but others will have a much worse hand. You need to focus on the positives not negatives.

I didn’t have any of these things growing up, but have them now. Went to state school, local uni at home, have first class degree and successful career.

You can’t blame your background alone.

So I take you just ‘applied’ yourself and are now the rich relation?