To feel slightly resentful for being the “poor relations”

[greyerle]

Growing up we were lower middle class. Parents both worked in semi-professional roles. Lived in a 3 bed terraced house. Went to Spain every year.

Compared to the rest of the family (especially my dads) we were seen as the poor relations. Most family members had their own businesses or worked in professional jobs like a doctor, barrister, head mistress.

My father went to a well renowned boarding school but left with barely any qualifications as he preferred drink and other substances, then went travelling for several years. He only afforded a deposit on the house because a relative gifted it.

Went to a bad state comp where I was bullied for being “posh” but then at university was seen as “poor”. Never really went without basics but knew that my dad was capable of so so much more if he had applied himself or worked hard.

I’ve seen the real confidence boost that going to a good school has had on cousins. Plus being gifted deposits for flats has enabled them to flourish in their careers and take more risks.

Such a bizarre view of the world. Sounds like you had a perfectly standard childhood ,both parents working, holidays abroad, normal house, went to uni. You are responsible for your own life and you can be proud of being independent.

I see where you're coming from, OP.

I'd be annoyed too.

Ultimately though, you just need to move on as there is nothing you can do about it.

Went to Spain every year.

🤣 it’s all relative, isn’t it? Roll the chip off your shoulder and get on with your life.

Where’s your mum in this?

Went to Spain every year.

I didn't manage to go abroad until I was 18 and paid for it myself.

I'm still very grateful to my parents for the 2 weeks in a caravan at Clacton-On-Sea, every Summer.

Happy memories and no doubt they had to save hard to make it happen.

We are the poor relations on one side of my family, and I do sometimes get a little pang of jealousy at the lifestyle that my cousin's have. However, I know that they still have their own pain and struggles that others may not see, and that all the wealth and polish doesn't protect you. Try and practice gratitude for what you do have, otherwise you will be corroded by your own bitterness and will miss out on how silly and short and ridiculous life really is.

Absolutely. We were very poor, in part because of my parents’ lack of education as they’d been taken out of school aged 12 by parents who needed their income, while their younger siblings stayed on in education. This meant that our aunts and uncles and cousins were comfortably off while we had an outside loo, just about enough food, and wore our cousins’ hand me downs, which made family occasions humiliating. You just have to deal with it and make what you can of your life, regardless of circumstances. My siblings and I have actually done much ‘better’ (if we’re going by the crude measures of jobs, income, houses) than our middle-class cousins. Nothing like hunger to spur you on.

I was born in to reduced circumstances as you would say. My cousin was gifted an entire house the day she was married. I never considered any if this except to better my circumstances which I did. Your mindset will hold you back more than anything else.

Who cares what other people think. Sounds like you've done ok. If you haven't, have you tried to better yourself? I didnt have any of these silver spoon moments but I've worked hard to get where I am and have a nice life, have you?

Good lord, screw what anyone else thinks, you're running your own race, not theirs.

Yeah we didn't have any heating . when came home from school there was butter and sugar sandwiches or I don't know St'ivels 5pints sandwiches r if you were really lucky vinegar sandwiches .

You seem to be focusing on what your father achieved, what your cousins have, but have neglected to say what you’ve achieved. Can you detail that?

So, growing up my parents were the opposite. They came from lower working class (both sides, although from different types: mum town and dad rural). They both worked hard, saved, invested, stretched so they could move to the "desirable" location. So in both families we were seen as having "done well for themselves". Some parts of the family said it with pride, but certain people said it with an eye roll and the insinuation that we thought we were better than them. We didn't.

Now, on my side, DH and I are seen as having "done well for ourselves" and other than the same family members with the eye roll everyone is happy. But on DHs side, because he took a more unconventional route, despite being senior and earning well (and in spite of the fact I outearn both his SILs massively and if I were full time at least one of his brother's), we are seen as the "poor relations" and as if we have no ambition. We actually do quite well for ourselves, but we're both quite laid back and down to earth, and not at all materialistic. So you wouldn't know if we were millionaires or on average wages, because we are decidedly not flashy. Our house is the smallest and our cars the oldest, but our assets are good. You just don't see it.

DHs family compared to mine though, definitely the "poor relations".

My point is, it's all subjective and relative. And mostly all in your own mind as to how you're viewed and what you should have.

Did your dad have more potential? Probably. Can you change it? No. Do you have potential? Probably. Can you do something with that? Definitely.

Focus on what you can do rather than what happened in your family before you were able to understand it.

My father went to a well renowned boarding school but left with barely any qualifications as he preferred drink and other substances, then went travelling for several years. He only afforded a deposit on the house because a relative gifted it.

Op in the nicest possible way, so what?! We all get different places in different ways- you could as well say we grew up middle class (sod the lower and upper), my dad went to a good school, went travelling and we lived in a grand house. You’ve been unfortunate only in that people made you care about any of this

I think its time for you to grow up op.
Your lucky you didnt have my childhood.
We ate one food once a day or we ate from biffa bins council estate school and homes.
No holidays no new clothes not even for school.
We done nothing but bloody work as MN would call chores.
Mother would beat us for anything step dad well prison for him for messing with us mum took his side of course.
Life was so good i ran away from home at 14.
OP you didnt have it bad be thankful you dont have my memory`s.

I understand how you feel, but you need to change your perspective. I'm lucky enough to work for a private school (abroad) and my daughter has free tuition as part of my employment. She sometimes compares us unfavorably as her peers pay to go there and have big properties, nice cars etc. One lives in what she calls a 'palace'. We have a great situation though and are extremely lucky - she's just a bit too young to understand that.

Meanwhile, my husband's family lost their homes at the beginning of this year due to war in their home country and are now living as refugees in another country. They count themselves lucky every day though because they are safe and they are together.

It's all a matter of perspective.

Hope you have found peace and safety in your life now positivewings , . Wishing all good things for you x

OP, comparison is the thief of joy! Are you happy with your life otherwise?

Interesting thread, many years ago I could have post this, but I don't care now.

Suppose I earned a bit more, id spend a bit more. I do have enough. That calculator was eye opening.

Aww you only got one holiday a year to Spain? Bless your little cotton socks.
I worked from age 11, didn't go to uni because of my huge lack of self esteem caused by issues in my childhood.
My cousin went to private school, on to uni and is now earning vast sums of money because my uncle and auntie (dad's brother) put everything into giving him the best of everything.
My family has a totally messed up dynamic, none of us speak to each other anymore so maybe it's easier for me to forget about who is doing better than who but, seriously let it go. You had a decent childhood by anyone's standards.

A bit of jealousy/comparison is normal, especially with your own relatives I guess. It doesn't sound like you respect your father very much though, that's the issue.

We were also the poor relations, my dad's family was well off and his brothers were significantly more well off...My dad however is a hard working and loving father and I cannot imagine feeling that way about him.

So you have some issues to unpick there.

You make your own life and your own money/success!
It was the same for me growing up. But my DH earns well and we are both starting our own business

YANBU. Life has dealt you a bad hand in the form of dodgy parents. It happens to more people than you think.

Particularly tricky for you when you’ve got your face pressed up against a family who are the haves - your family who you can hardly avoid.

Love, only acceptance will fix this. Work out what you want to do with your life and get on with it. There are advantages to owing nothing to anyone.