What about me, makes me the family scapegoat?

[ToadofTOADhall9]

Just as an example:
It was our wedding anniversary, and whilst getting ready to go out for a rare meal, my sister knocks the door

We answer, and she hadn't come round to bring a card, she had come round to tell us the latest installment in her drama filled life, but we didn't have time to sit and listen (nor want to at that time tbh)

She asked what we were doing this evening and looked at my husband and said 'and you chose to marry that' whilst nodding at me

The venomous tone in her voice, literally came out of no where and my husband looked shocked and walked out of the room to ask me later why all my family are like this - constant snide remarks

I do not know why - but they are - all my family are the same and it must be something about me that invites this - even my adult daughter constantly picks me apart at any opportunity, I cannot remember the last time I had a conversation with her where she was not rude.

And dont even get me started about my parents - my Mother stopped speaking to me about 8 years ago with no warning (and not even an argument leading up to this - i had never heard of anyone being ghosted by their own mother.......

My Dad i speak to but he called me a couple of years back to advise I was being removed from their Will as I have my own house (Yes i have 50% of a mortgaged house) in favor of my sister as she has never worked and lives in social housing. I just nodded and said OK as it really is their business what they do - but in reality a Will of a parent is more than the money, its their last opportunity to give a message to you, its not just financial, its about what the gift means

What about me makes me the family punch bag? I stutter when I talk and i do not come back with witty one liners to their constant barage of put downs so im thinking it may be that, like im an easy target

Or maybe im just a fuckin arsehole like they want me to think

My heart goes out to you. From one scapegoat to another, it's really NOT you, it's them. Interestingly, I've encountered the same dynamic repeating with others too, where I haven't felt listened to or respected or treated with courtesy. I can only surmise that my self esteem is so low, after living through such a bullying, invalidating toxic environment, that others pick up on it and I'm an easy target to mess with. I know exactly what you mean, when you say you can't push back with witty one liners and the stuttering - it's common to freeze in trying circumstances. My only advice OP is to walk away from the lot of them. Or if you can't walk away entirely, then limit contact and at the first sniff of any snide comments etc tell them you're leaving now as you won't be spoken to like that. They'll continue to belittle, call you over sensitive or even laugh to minimise your emotions, but stick to your guns and calmly exit the situation. Don't shout, argue, try and reason with them, challenge or appeal to their ' better nature ' - It won't work, but you can reclaim some of your power and walk away, seemingly unrattled and unfussed.

Oh love, you’re looking for reason where there isn’t any. Please know that there is nothing about you that makes them behave like this, it’s all about them. It’s not normal to treat your dc/siblings in this way. Their behaviour is defective, not you.

I have noticed the same, the same thing repeating in other areas of my lifeso i know i am giving off a vibe somehow

I have been called oversensitive by family and exactly how you describe, the laughs and piss taking that it was all only a joke

Maybe there was one time you refused to join in with them bullying someone else? Certainly nothing to feel ashamed of.

Its a role within a dynamic and they require someone to fill it. Google 'flying monkeys' and try to work out which one of them they are pandering to.

Yep, I get it. Friends, work colleagues, associates, even bloody strangers have all had a pop at me at various times. I've been bullied in work places too. Other people don't get hassled to this extent, so I've concluded like you, that the ' problem 'is me. But it isn't really OP. There's nothing wrong with us ( unless you're going around behaving badly, which I don't think you are for a minute!), We just haven't learnt how to command respect or learn methods of pushing back when someone says something nasty.

I was shaking my head at your 'D'H just walking out of the room after she said that to him.

But this makes it much worse....

What about me makes me the family punch bag? I stutter when I talk and i do not come back with witty one liners to their constant barage of put downs so im thinking it may be that, like im an easy target

Does he never/has he never stood up for you? He really walked out without saying a word to her??

Scapegoat here too. It is about how you make them feel. I was a lot like my father, my mother hated that about me, she idolises my father, go figure? But I suspect my father was a lot like my grandfather and it was that relationship that was never resolved. It was me triggering the negative emotions about her own father that was the issue. My sister has married a man very similar to our father too. My brother is very like our mother - narcissistic traits and likely that dynamic will impact his own children, their mother is very enabling. My eldest brother is like my father - abusive/emotionally dysregulated/cold/dysfunctional.

There is this complex interplay of not being able to resolve issues with a person so they punch down towards the scapegoat. Likely you passed the dysfunction onto your daughter though. That is very common unless you realise this when your children are young.

There is a really good book called the Karpman drama triangle likely you are putting yourself in the victim role based on your upbringing. Best to become aware of the dynamics and learn how to pull yourself out of the dynamic completely. I would step out of your family of origin and try to focus on your own stuff.

Your sister is like this because your parents are. It isn't anything you have done wrong. You have such low self esteem that you subconsciously give off vibes that you are a pushover. You are worth so much more than this.

Start with your daughter, do not allow her to be rude to you. Call her out on it every time she does it. Sometimes the way we treat people becomes a habit, so you need to break that habit of letting them treat you like a doormat.

It will be hard to begin with and they won't like it but you need to be strong. If they won't change go no contact and tell them why,

Oh my god how did your husband not tell her to get to fuck?

Your mum and dad sound deranged. Honestly if you're not holding out for inheritance then sack the lot of them off. What do they even add to your life?

You don't need witty one liners... Just set some boundaries. Tell them to fuck off!

Oh yes of course he has - he threw her out on one (separate) occasion, but the above- this was one example, that didn't escalate to anyone losing their shit. I think he kept reserved on this occasion as it was our anniversary and he wanted to keep things calm

And to be fair, the situation has been going on long before i met hubby

Oh you make some fantastic and intresting points - i shall look in to this

Look for I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Harris, and Games People Play by Eric Berne. They explain the drama triangle in plain English.
Insecure people only feel comfortable when they are in a pair, with a third person to take the blame or act as scapegoat. There are 3 positions; the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. As long as everyone plays their role, there's no end to it.

It's good that your husband is aware and had got your back. In these family dynamics, it's so important that you present a United front - together you're stronger.

Thanks guys. I will definitely look into this triangle thing.

This is the type of info i was looking for, as means to have a happier future ...Not as a woe is me thing and im glad its been recievevd like that

Some great info here thank you

Your sister bullies you because your parents did and your adult daughter bullies you because she’s grown up watching the rest of your family bully you. (Is your husband your daughter’s dad? If he is, he needs to have a stern word with her. If he’s not, what was her dad like? Did he bully you as well?)

Basically, you are a nice person and your family are not. You are the better person here. I would be inclined to tell the whole lot of them to piss off.

Honestly, it doesn’t come across as a ‘woe is me’ thing at all. You sound lovely and I really hope you do find a happier future.

Another scapegoat here.

I'm so sorry about how your family has treated you. It may sound odd but at least when your sister says something utterly vile, then it's out in the open. I think when it's all invisible but you know you're being treated like shit, it's somehow worse as it's harder to describe/stop.

I've only really got engaged with boundaries the last few years, after lots of therapy. It's easy for me to say no/get away if someone is rude on a bus but if a group of women scapegoat me, then I've had a lot of practice in sucking it up, being their scapegoat. I think getting comfortable with being disliked is quite key, it's a practice. There's this parent in my life who treats me like my family used to (I also got ghosted - in my case by siblings) ie like utter crap, and due to kids I can't get her out of my life so I have to get used to upsetting her and saying no, having tried to please for years. And also just being straight-forward. So much of scapegoating is invisible to others. Whereas I wish I'd just said openly in the past stuff like 'you're all just talking about going for cocktails later in front of me, whilst not inviting me, I'm off' It's not asking anyone for anything, but it's putting it out there what is happening. Obv hard to do, think clearly in real time and sadly that never got said, so behaviour continued.

Anyway, that's my stuff. It sounds like you're really engaging with it, so your sister's days are numbered. All the best x

Oh I can relate, i was always blamed for this and that then one day I stood up for myself and it started with my evil auntie who was absolutely horrible and tried accusing me of things just through pure jealousy. Some people are just strange don't question yourself and hopefully one day youll tell them all to eff off. It's liberating. Don't let anyone bully you

Isn't it exhausting having these types of people in your life - you cannot relax as you know - you just know full well that you are awaiting the next shitty comment - like waiting for a bomb to drop

I definitely do need to break this chain, as the weight it is having on my mental health is not the best.

After a telephone call with my daughter last night, and several patronizing comments I realized all this needs to stop. I have had enough - I have come to the conclusion that time is running out, im getting old now, yet im still being treated like im a nuisance to be around like when i was a kid (except for my husband)

I cannot continue in to my middle age like this. Last night my daughter told me I was a hypochondriac as I mentioned I had been to the GP. I was diagnosed with two progressive lung diseases in March this year, so visits to the GP are a necessity on occasion.

Then we got to talking about something else and she tutted and sighed and said I was irritating her as I had already told her what I was saying (maybe I had, I couldn't remember and it is really a big deal?) - at that point she said she was going as she had 'had enough' of me constantly repeating myself and blocked me. Blocked my calls for the crime of apparently repeating something. This is standard, i'm blocked at least once a month. But this time I feel like blocking her back and just fucking ending this charade of pain.

I feel like my daughter wants to keep hurting me, coming back and hurting me over and over. I am not sure why, and I feel like i genuinely cba at this point. shes 35 years old

This might come across as I'm exaggerating, but I am not. I have never spoken to anyone irl about all this as it comes across as if I am lying to make things seem more dramatic somehow

Why do i put up with this pain though - i mean i would never put up with this treatment from a friend.

@Sofabodatgym such a relatable post. Excellent advice/ analysis!

What is it about groups of women? I'm exactly the same - no problem in telling random strangers to f off when they overstep, but a group of women being mean, I turn to jelly. I guess it stems from the two protagonists in my family story - narcissistic mum and malignant narcissistic sister who threatened me from an early age with violence and then went on to successfully oust me from the entire family through lies and intimidation. No one ever saw the abuse from sister - she'd always do it when we were alone or cleverly, when others had their backs turned she'd sneer, or hiss at me that I wasn't welcome . I like your method of shining a light on it - so much abusive behaviour happens under cover and then people doubt your judgement, preferring to keep with the status quo that your the problem or too sensitive etc.

My Mum and Sister always had a club, the stay up late and gossip club - My sister would often cause issues, be suspended from school or run away, and instead of punishment, my sister was pulled in closer, whilst I was pushed further out.

From a young age i never felt i belonged in that family, my sister would tell me i was adopted and kick the absolute shit out of me at every opportunity - She would cause trouble with other girls in my year at school (tell one of my closest friend i had called her a slag - untrue) and tell my teenage boyfriend I was cheating on him (again untrue) - which ended up in me being relentlessly bullied and my sister kicking the shit out of me in the playground as oft as possible.

Then I was asked to leave the family home at age 15. I never even got to do my GCSEs

This is awful, it has to stop. I would tell them enough is enough they've bullied you for far too long and until they change and show you respect not to contact you and stay away. I know it's daunting but you can do it and it will liberate you.
You deserve kindness especially from family. I've cut toxic family from my life they have no place there. It's up to you if you want to cut them out and noone would blame you.

This. Especially your daughter. Who does she think she is. She's an adult now, no excuse for this. Disgusting the lot of them. Stop being a punchbag by not allowing them any more access to you. You have your dh so leave the rest of them to it.

Your sister is vile OP. Some people change when they get older, but your sister is damaged and will never do so. The rot began when you were kids - what mother doesn't protect her child from being assaulted both physically and emotionally? Where was your dad in all this? I know you said that you keep in touch with him now, but sounds like he was emotionally absent when you were growing up. did he just bury his head in the sand and pretend that this was normal sister rivalry?

It’s not your fault but nasty people will seek to dominate those they perceive as weaker. If you are quiet, don’t assert yourself or set boundaries, don’t stand up for yourself or speak up when you disagree, try and keep the peace rather than cause an argument, then certain people will take that as weakness and something for them to exploit.