What about me, makes me the family scapegoat?

[ToadofTOADhall9]

Just as an example:
It was our wedding anniversary, and whilst getting ready to go out for a rare meal, my sister knocks the door

We answer, and she hadn't come round to bring a card, she had come round to tell us the latest installment in her drama filled life, but we didn't have time to sit and listen (nor want to at that time tbh)

She asked what we were doing this evening and looked at my husband and said 'and you chose to marry that' whilst nodding at me

The venomous tone in her voice, literally came out of no where and my husband looked shocked and walked out of the room to ask me later why all my family are like this - constant snide remarks

I do not know why - but they are - all my family are the same and it must be something about me that invites this - even my adult daughter constantly picks me apart at any opportunity, I cannot remember the last time I had a conversation with her where she was not rude.

And dont even get me started about my parents - my Mother stopped speaking to me about 8 years ago with no warning (and not even an argument leading up to this - i had never heard of anyone being ghosted by their own mother.......

My Dad i speak to but he called me a couple of years back to advise I was being removed from their Will as I have my own house (Yes i have 50% of a mortgaged house) in favor of my sister as she has never worked and lives in social housing. I just nodded and said OK as it really is their business what they do - but in reality a Will of a parent is more than the money, its their last opportunity to give a message to you, its not just financial, its about what the gift means

What about me makes me the family punch bag? I stutter when I talk and i do not come back with witty one liners to their constant barage of put downs so im thinking it may be that, like im an easy target

Or maybe im just a fuckin arsehole like they want me to think

Your sister is monstrous. You've had the misfortune of growing up in a highly dysfunctional family sadly. Your mum and or dad will likely be narcissistic and would have developed that from their own childhood. Your troubles and lack of confidence are all from that. It's nothing to do with you and the wonderful person you are inside.
There are many great books and videos online that can help you understand.
I'd make sure your husband is firmly told, with confidence, that you are not your family. That sister would be permanently distanced from my life. I've had to do the same with a highly abusive sociopath brother.

I very much doubt it is you. Scapegoating is usually a generational thing, the parent who has issues will target one of the children and make them the scapegoat, making everyone else in the family think they are not the problem but the scapegoated child is. Rest of the family go along with it either fear of the person, fear they will be scapegoated or because they have been manipulated into respecting/wanting to impress the parent who instigated it. It will be ingrained in your sister to act this way now and tbh I think it's unlikely she will change.

Sorry you've been through this, I've seen it in other families and it's awful :(

The explanation is simple - your family are nutters. Why are you even still in contact with them.

Move to the other side of the country and leave no forwarding address <only half joking>

Do you ever stand your own ground? If someone talked to me or about me kike that, they’d be out on the street and probably licking a few proverbial wounds. They do this and get away with because you do not challenge them. Your question is the wrong one. Why they do this is because they can. Do not let them and tell them exactly what they are and what they need to hear. Don’t let them walk over you and ask why it’s the easiest way for them to go.

If a dh tells a sister where to go there’s more of a chance he’s the one who’ll get it later, whether from the family or his brand new wife. I don’t think it’s the time to be turning op against her dh given how her family act!!!!!

I would have nothing to do with them tbh. I've cut ties with toxic family members and I don't regret it for a minute. You deserve better than this. I know it's different with your daughter but call her out every time she's rude - hang up on her if you have to. I really wish you all the best - you don't need people like this in your life

I think in my case,it's because I can see them for what they are

And they don't like it,am fearful I can (and would) expose them for what they are and they are shit scared of the power I have

They want to be me but they can't so they attack me instead

I went nc with them-and every single one have come snivelling back to me at one point or another

They don't want me,they want their punchbag back but I refuse to play that game

You are right - the consequences of not speaking to her again - It is much worse with my daughter.

I could honestly imagine never speaking to Mum (well that choice was removed from me years ago) and Sister, ever again

My Daughter is different though, she consistently tells me I am the problem and I am to blame for every problem she has. At the minute I am blocked by her - on any contact, and the last message she sent me was that I am bad for her mental health (because I apparently repeated myself on something we were talking about). I mean is this really such a crime, as on reflection It seems to me that it is an excuse, and she had already planned this. But these blockings are regular as clockwork

My relationship with my daughter nowadays, feels like a one-sided control game as daughter is in control if we will speak again/or when.

This is how petty it has got. It is obvious my daughter has issues, - she has pushed away any friends she made, over the years, as treats people awfully (but somehow it is always their fault) - but as an outside observer it defo is not the case. Her relationship broke down towards the end of last year, and since then her behavior towards me, has become much worse. I dont know the ins and outs of why they brke up

She has had multiple incredible opportunities in her life, and none have come into fruition - her choice.

My DH is not her dad. I met DH when daughter was 14 (she's 31 now) . Her biological dad was not present at all - She was the result of abuse and her bio dad should have been in prison although I never perused this (and don't want to delve in to this any further, please - just telling you for background)

My DH is refusing to come visit daughter at minute and he says she is gunning for me. Like she doesn't want me to have a life at all. Say for example, we are going out for the day/ weekend away - she will consistently spam my phone non stop and create stress.

Someone asked about my parents

My Mum is certainly Narcissistic. She would play strange games when we were kids like fake faint, to see who would come running

My Dad, isnt Narcassistic but is a huge enabler.