To feel I have lost myself

[Pleasebegentle123]

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to hear from this but hoping maybe I'm not alone.
I used to have lots of emotion, I'd look forward to things, go out on a sunny day with excitement, cry at a sad movie. Since I've had children my emotions have completely levelled out. I feel love for my children and I'm proud of their achievements but I just feel flat all the time. I struggle making decisions mainly because I'm not bothered either way. I just feel I've lost the old me. Is this normal? Am I just getting older?
My husband isn't an overly out there person so it would always be one sided, I guess that doesn't help. We're also working full time looking after young kids and renovating a house with little support (we'll he does from MIL but not me, that's a whole other story!)
AIBU and should just accept this is what happens in life or has anyone been there and things get better?

Hi!

Sorry to hear you feel like this.

Do you take any medication or anything? If so, might be time to up them?

I have to do this every few years. I try to put it off as I hate the idea but it helps me live a normal life.

I don't have children but my friends do and for what I've heard they have said the same as you.

Get we'll soon xxx

I had this in my student years. I am fairly sure it was depression though I never sought treatment.

I kind of came back to life when I started feeling better.

Thanks for the quick reply.
I don't take medication, and I'm not really sure this is the issue. If anything it might have been the otherway round and maybe I needed them before the kids?
when pregnant I put it down to hormonal changes but it doesn't seem to have changed back

I don't think it's depression. To be honest there are tough days in life as for everyone but everything's fine. But that's it life is just fine. I'll be asked what I want to do and I struggle making a decision where as once I'd have been excited for a show or maybe gone for a walk in the sunshine and been excited by that and said let's do that.
I know I should be grateful things are fine and some people would kill for that at the moment. It also makes me feel selfish for wanting my old self back at times

I wonder if you're getting enough sleep - is it possible you're just...tired? Spread a little thin looking after the kids, no matter how much you adore them?

I'm definitely spread thin! And have always slept badly, maybe that's it. I've always got by with little sleep but I'm not as young as I once was!

Try this questionnaire - it is the standard one used in many places.

https://patient.info/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

Thank you for this. Not depression! It's not necessarily feeling down it's just more a lack of joy/ fun. And more around myself. Being a busy mum, like most I don't get to do much for me, but day to day things are just neh, neither great or bad.

I'm sorry if I've made this sound like depression, I really don't think its that but thank you so much for caring.
I just miss the joyful person I used to be and the fun side of life.

How old are you OP? Could this be the start of perimenopause? Flat and unenthused sounds familiar.

I'm 41, I changed when I was pregnant with my first at 36 which I put down to hormones, I've never really been my old self since although it did get a bit better.
It's early but I did wonder this.
Flat and unenthused sums it up perfectly! Thank you.
My hope is it will get better.
I do feel guilty by this. I know people will be going through so much more than this.

There is a name for this, anhedonia. I read a book about it, Feeling "blah" by Tanith Carey which was interesting.

I'm dealing with it through trying to be a lot more disciplined about self care and being present.

You might also simply be knackered!

I agree with @CheshireSplat it does sound like mild anhedonia, which is a kind of depression where you don;t feel down or sad, you just feel...nothing. I had it once and it really scared me, far worse than normal depression. It was as if the only thing in life I cared about was DC. Nothing else.

I got around it by doing something new every day that I'd never done before and keeping a record of how it felt - nothing massive necessarily - just something like: 'Tried cinnamon tea. It was nicer than i expected. Might have it again.' Or 'Went wild swimming today. Very cold but did feel energised afterwards.'

At first it made very little difference but after a few weeks, it sort of worked. i just had more excitement and pleasure in life.

Would this be something that's worth a go for you?

Gosh, I think I can relate. It's a very weird thing and difficult to put a pin in it. Personally, I started "feeling" things the old way when I went away for work. I think that for the first time since my son was born I actually had some headspace. Although I was working almost non stop I nevertheless had the "headspace". Which on a daily basis, as a mum with full time job, is just impossible.

I also feel "meh" about so many things now and because of that struggle with making choices. I just don't have the time and most importantly the headspace to explore what I'd really like... and then I'm cross that I didn't get/do/see what I wanted. But I didn't even had a chance to "discover" what it is that I wanted... oh well.

Thank you for this, I've never heard of this. I'll definitely look into it more.
And I am rubbish with self care! I start with good intentions but always goes on the back burner!

Thank you to both you and Cheshire splat. This is definitely worth exploring. My first thought would be not sure it would work but I suppose it's the continually trying thar helps ?

I was just a couple of years older than you when I started sliding into peri menopause. Flat, lacked enthusiasm, no drive to do much - the complete opposite to my actual real personality.

It's good to know I'm not alone although sorry you feel the same way
I've actually recently been asked if I'd go on a work trip. I've not replied yet but I was feeling it would be difficult with childcare. This is making me think I should just do it

@Sunhatweather does it get any better? Or are you still going through it?

I felt this before-began listening to songs from my childhood, doing little nice things, reading, walks, ringing old friends, pampery showers. The big thing was visiting a stables (I used to horse ride) and signing up to learn How to swim. I also went to the cinema on my own and had cake after. I watched some old sitcoms. It began to remind me what I loved in life. Hugs op, it’s so so hard x

Yep I am defo not who I was before kids. I am delighted for the kids when they do well etc and van laugh etc. and am happy for others with stuff but I feel flat about my own life. I don't have that "I can't wait" feeling I used to get, everything is just meh. I'm not unhappy but I'm not overly happy.

I think decisions before kids didn't effect anyone, now they effect a few people, even if its going out for a couple of hours, and it's usually passed to mams to decide so it's now an overload and yoh dotn want to decide. Not taking time cos you/we/mams put obstacles in the way is our own fault. You OP, almost discounting going away due to childcare, which can probably be easily sorted, is an example. Its something we need to stop doing and become more aware of.

There is a feeling of being lost, of missing being you, not a mam or partner, with just shite talking that doesn't come back to taljing about kids/house. I hear you OP, it's crap but I do think if we think and change we can get back a feeling of happy that we have shelved. Hugs to you x

Christ I got severe depression as a result without even saying I feel I'd be better off dead most days (don't currently feel like this but have in the past) very sobering.

Also have anhedonia. Nothing interests me, when people say "life is what you make it" I don't think they understand that for some of us there is absolutely nothing you could imagine ever wanting out of life. Everything has always been grey and dull. Pretty much accepted this is my lot at this point. Actually feeling happy for the first time in 20 years would feel very unnerving 😔

I thought I had posted and then forgotten when I read your description @Pleasebegentle123 !!
I am not necessarily sad about anything but never get excited to do anything anymore....people have commented that I am 'emotionless'.
For me it's nothing to do with having the kids, I had mine in my early/mid 20's and it started around 5/6 years ago when I was in my mid thirties so I doubt it's peri menopause either.
I spend a fortune on vitamins to make sure I'm not missing anything but the 'blah' continues.
I have been to the doctors on many, many occasions and they have diagnosed CFS. I am not convinced though, I think they have just given up on me and wanted me to bugger off and stop bothering them.
I think for me a combination of working full time, bringing up the kids, keeping the house running to a decent standard and generally trying to live a life has sapped the energy from my soul.

@Heyisforhorses thanks for this. This really hit home and it sounds like you get it and hit the nail. Although I wouldn't want others to have similar feelings it's nice to know it can be a fairly common part of life. I just need to find the path to maybe a different me!

I beg those of you suffering from anhedonia to give 'something new everyday' a try.

Don't expect it to suddenly excite you or create pleasure. But what it does do is make new neural pathways in the brain, as it registers new things. And those pathways will get stronger and are likely to be nicer than the ones on loop at present. Keep a record everyday of how you react to the new thing or what happens as a result.

Mine looked something like:

Walked along West Street on way to pick up DC. Bumped into X who I hadn;t seen for years and she asked to go for coffee next week.
Tried Baylis & Harding rose and geranium shower gel. People are so snobby about it but it smelled as nice as Molton Brown imo, for only £2.
Went for coffee somewhere other than Pret for the first time in about 7 years. Actually felt scared walking into a new place. How bloody ridiculous. I had no idea how small my life had become.

Even a one- sentence commentary is quite revealing - it showed me I was feeling scared of really unscary things and had to fix that, showed me I had a difference of opinion from others which was a sign I wasn't indifferent, showed me someone liked me, who I hadn't thought about in years. Obviously not everything has a positive outcome, but overtime, new opportunities build and you sort of learn to know yourself again. To notice who you are and act in support of it.

Week 1 - do tiny easy things e.g:

• trial a new route to or from work or school run. Just be a bit observant on the way - notice the houses or plants. No need to feel anything. Just notice.
• buy a different scent of bath product. Even if you hate it, that tells you that you do actually have a liking for something else, even if that liking is quite neutral.
• play a new music station while you tidy the kitchen after dinner, or fold laundry - pop if you listen to classical, or vice versa. Again, if you hate it, that sort of proves you like something else more.
• order a different drink in a cafe, buy a new veg or fruit or cheese in the supermarket.
• read a book in a genre you wouldn't usually read. If you don't usually read at all, just find a book that looks really easy to hook you in and read that.

Week 2 - maybe research new stuff linked to feeling indifferent:

• listen to a podcast on anhedonia
• read up on mood enhancing foods and create a recipe using at least three of them.
• read up on dopamine and seratonin enhancing activities and try one - even if it is just a 10 minute youtube meditation or bodyweight workout.
• try one of the most unlikely treatment cures. Ones I tried included laughter therapy and some weird woman online who taught you how to shake your body almost like a dervish to shake away the mental inertia. (I was desperate - I tried anything at that point!)

Week 3 - make new connections

• look on local FB page for someone offering something and ask for it - eg plant cuttings or excess allotment veg. Send them a thank you note.
• post an offer of something you don't want or need
• try a new class. If you are tied to the house because of DC, sign up for one of those free online uni courses on something that would once have interested you or something that is potentially useful to you, and do the first module.

Week 4 - behave as if you are a happy person. That's not the same as faking happiness, but saying to yourself: if I was a cheerful person, I might :

• put on upbeat music in the morning while getting DC ready for school.
• switch off the news and depressing crime documentaries and dramas and focus on classic comedies and feelgood movies
• stop 5 times a day and find something to feel awed by: a rising sun, a tree in blossom, a cute cat or baby, a kid doing a brilliant skateboard move in the park. If you do this awe experiment, write them down

In the journal where I made a note of new things, I also kept a note of every kindness people had done me - whether it was being given a free sample of something at the train station or having a door held open, or being invited out by someone. And I also kept a note of awesome things each day - even it was usually the moon, or the glimpse of a deer in the woods.

As time progresses, get bolder. Apply for a new job. Get a totally different haircut or outfit in a style. Have a day away with DC exploring a new place. Do something a bit ambitious - climb a mountain or write a book just for your own satisfaction.