My sister is driving me crazy AGAIN!!!!

[mumblesmummy]

I have whinged on here about ten thousand times about my sister, but it's the only place I can vent. She's 31 and I'm 22.

Her twins are due a few weeks after my baby is due and because she had IVF and I got pregnant from one month of being off contraception, she's really resentful and horrible. She can have leeway for this up to some point but it's just getting stupid now.

She thinks everyone should be at her beck and call all the time and she's horrible to me- people are even noticing.

She's been an extra pain in the arse lately. She said she hopes our babies don't come at the same time because she wants me to 'get mine out of the way'. She absolutely cannot stand that my baby is the first grandchild, which is just pathetic.

She's arranged (without asking my parents) that her H's parents would come and stay at my parents house over the period of her having her babies. These are not just normal guests, they completely take over, assume my parents will pay for everything on their entire stay including eating out every night, and are very over-bearing and intrusive. At this point I will have a newborn baby, and would like to be spending some time with my family myself, which we were all looking forward to. But once again, the sister has spoken, and everyone drops everything.

I still have a bedroom at my parents house as it's hardly a long while since I moved out, and I'm only young, and I intend to decorate this, buy a cot for it, we've put a double bed in it, and my mum's giving us her old wardrobes to put in it. Though first I'll need to clear all my stuff out of it. I want it to then be mine and DPs room for when we stay overnight (which is quite regular, and we always use this room), but mostly for my baby to have as his room. The reason I feel so strongly about this is that I'm very very close with my parents, but my sister has totally insisted that my mum must look after her twins while she works full time, which means that she won't see my baby very much. I want my baby to feel as though he has space at her house and she's still his nana even if she does spend a lot more time with the twins. If my mum tries to talk to my sister about not wanting to be a full time unpaid babysitter, my sister just cries and says loads of emotional blackmail that upsets my mum so mum gives in.

So my sister mentioned my bedroom the other day and I explained my plans, and she said 'no, that's the guest bedroom for people to stay in.' (baring in mind she has her own room at mums house and kicked up a right stink when me and DP were made homeless and had to move in for a few weeks over xmas- I was 5 months pregnant at the time and she was furious that we were staying in her room, despite her leech of a H staying with us for 8 years while I grew up) I said 'no, it's still my room and I'm doing it out, you and your H still lived with mum until you were 26 and he was 34, so I think I'm being very fair. I'm still only 22.' So she goes 'Don't you give me that, you're going to be a mother before I am.' Which is what all this boils down to, because she's jealous.

I was on here going mad last week because she gets my mum to make her meals all the time, and buy her shopping, and she says she's coming down for tea, but at the last minute she rings and says she's only picking it up because she can't be bothered having tea with everyone. She even did this on Easter Sunday which is important to my mum as she likes us all to have a roast dinner together.

She hates that I've got a huge bump and I'm really glowy and happy (though it only takes something small to set me off crying at the mo as I'm 8 months preg and secretly very anxious). And my mum wants to spend time with me and things as I'm right at the end of my pregnancy and it's brought us very close and we won't get this time back. Also, she's been so preoccupied with running around after my sister CONSTANTLY that she hasn't had much time for me up until now.

I know it's childish petty sibling stuff, and I know lots of you will want to shake me and shout at me, but please try not to, as I probably will cry. I'm just frustrated with her and she often seems to try to pretend that I'm not pregnant which is awful.

Please be gentle.

She sounds very angry and unhappy

If it helps, I have an older sister too who has always been unable to see past jealousy. I know how hurtful it is. I tried for many years to make allowances and be gentle and try to build our relationship on a new basis. But I failed utterly - her hurt and bitterness just run too deep, and no amount of sidelining/insulting/belittling me was ever going to be enough to restore the balance in her mind enough for her to start seeing me as a sister instead of a hated rival. When I was in intensive care after ds1 was born 6 weeks early my dad was in phone contact with her, and she screamed down the phone at him that all he ever did was go on about me.

What I mean is that however much you want the relationship to be positive and to heal the resentments of the past, it is possible your sister just won't be able to, or maybe not until she herself reaches a point where she is ready.

You need to protect yourself and your own family now, you are about to have your own child and you have the right to experience the joy and excitement without her making it yet another reason to hurt you. Not to mention that you will be tired and emotionally stretched after the baby comes and you need all your emotional and physical energy for yourself and you baby.

Poor you, sibling relationships can be so damaging when they go wrong

Well, I can understand how upset you are about all this, but, at the end of the day, it is down to your mum whether she gives in to your sister's emotional blackmail. Whatever you say or do, your sister is going to counter it. So your mum must grow a backbone and deal with you both equally.

And I speak as a daughter whose sister gets whatever she wants because my mum is so scared of upsetting her. I'm seen as the reasonable one, so my parents figure that, if they upset me, I'll come round in time because I'm "reasonable". My sister does whatever she wants and no one wants to upset her because she would then cut contact, scupper contact between grandparents and her children, etc. Sometimes, we reasonable ones just have to suck it up if our parents aren't prepared to put a stop to it.

I remember your previous post re. childcare. Your sister sounds like a complete PITA.

It's your parent's house and surely they get to decide what happens to your rooms once you've both moved out and what they say goes?

She really does seem to dominate your family though. She could do with growing up.

Oh mumblemummy how frustrating it must be for you. Can't think of anything useful to say. You are obviously the maturer and most thoughtful one out of the two of you.
My sister-in-law announced she was pregnant a few weeks after I did and all I could think was how exciting it would be for little cousins to be the same age and be able to play together. It's sad your sister can't see it the same way.

Could you have a quiet chat with your mum about distancing yourself until the baby is born and you are feeling a bit more robust? She may not know how hurtful you find all this. Perhaps she turns a blind eye to some degree and chooses not to realise quite how much the constant oneupmanship takes it out of you?

I think you can be honest without being unkind. I know some might say "well, it's her loss, she's being stupid, just ignore it" - but personally, with my sister, I couldn't. She has this weird effect on me where every word she says cuts me really deeply and I feel anxious at the idea of seeing her.

Oh, and congratulations!

Oh dear, I don't know what to say but I am another one who has trouble with their older sister. Can't post much now as phone is ringing but will look in later .

It all sounds very childish (sorry).

There is a big age difference between you two, and that might be one reason why you don't understand each other.

tbh isn't there a chance her twins will arrive first anyway?????

I think the bedroom at your parents doesn't belong to anyone apart from your parents and it's up to them what they do with it? If your mum is going to be looking after the babies won't she need 2 cots for when she has the twins anyway?

Apart from that your sister is being a pain in the arse and needs to grow up but it is up to your Mum and Dad to sort it out with her.

Good luck!

Ok here goes:

Car Girl- the twins can have their cots in my sister's room. She'll make my mum buy them because she makes my mum buy everything. My room is for my baby. Yep definately a chance the twins could come first, which i don't really care about, it's not like it's the babies fault, it's hers. But she's so caught up in bitterness she can't just get on with it. Defo a pain in the arse!

Cote- Maybe.

Green- she does somehow manage to get under my skin like your sister does. We used to be very close but now she just hates me. Mums fed up of it, I think, but she just won't take my side because sister's H is a real control freak and he's awful to my sister but has messed with her head for so long that she thinks his word is gospel. So mum worries about her and tries to be there for her to the extent of being a doormat.

Pablo- My first thought was 'woo hoo, cousins the same age, fantastic'. She doesn't see it the same way at all. She also keeps saying if she has a boy, she wants all my baby clothes, but we've got no money and we've out every penny we've had into getting our baby stuff, and she's bought zero for the twins, but expects everyone else to buy for them all the time. I want to save my baby clothes for my future babies!

Pennies- I wish they would stand up the her. She's been moved out for years and she's still got her own room at mums house (we all stay there at xmas and if we ever want to stay we have our own rooms to go back to). She just doesn't want me in the family. When I first got pregnant, she wouldn't speak to me and prentended I wasn't in the family at all. She'd invite everyone to hers except me and DP and ring mums to check I wasn't there before she arrived.

Freckle- mum's always saying 'leave it to me, I'll sort it out' but nothing gets sorted and my sister gets her own way, and I get whinged at for making a fuss. It's a complete nightmare.

Greensleeves- thank God someone is in the same boat. There's just no reasoning with them is there? They must just hate us eh? I don't know why it's ended up like this!

LaCom- Good to know I'm not alone!!

So overall, yes, it's irritating and frustrating the hell out of me, and I don't know what I've done to make her dislike me, or why my mum ALWAYS backs down to her. It's like she's royalty or something.

Thanks to everyone for the sympathy, it's not a nice situation at all is it? I'm fed up with it now, it's been going on for 8 months, it's supposed to be the happiest time ever but it's just tainted. And I just don't get to share it with my mum because of her.

Honestly some of the responsibility for this is on your Mum as well.

I think if I were you I'd cut my losses and expect nothing from your parents.

Sigh. Families.

I would try and talk to your sister and ask her why she is being like this. Give her a chance to off load and be honest and see if you can build something.

Your Mum is an adult and sounds scared of your sister. She is going to find looking after twins hard work but it sounds like once she is doing it she will be stuck with it and I doubt your sister will care tbh. If your mother can't/won't stand up to her child then she can't complain really.

Enjoy your last few weeks before the baby comes and try not to let your sister get to you.

what are you in-laws like??? Any hope of family love & support from them?

And I should add that your sister has already formed her opinion of you and, no matter what you do, it won't change, especially if routed in jealousy.

Is there no way you could clear the air with your sister? It's very sad that at this happy time in your lives there is such a cloud over your relationship and family.

Sorry, can't think of anything really helpful except you could try really confronting her about her attitude towards you. Perhaps in the prescence of a mediator or councellor (sp?).

Sorry, that should be "rooted" not "routed".

I have an older sister, only by 17 months, so no great distance in age. According to my mother, my sister has been jealous of me since I was born and this has continued for the rest of our lives. Our children are very far apart in ages, as I had mine rather late in life. Although I used to babysit her children whenever she asked when they were young, she has never agreed to babysit mine although she is happy to babysit my younger sister's children whenever asked. I cannot change the way she feels about me, nor how she tries to persuade others that she is justified in her attitude towards me. All I can do is change how I let it affect me.

at first i read this thread and thought "FG just get on with it" but then i read it again and thought about the years of trouble between me and my two sisters ( they are not dear and i refuse to call them that).

When i was expecting and they would visit my mum and leave if i arrived, they would phone relatives and discuss how shameful it was for me to be preggers, my due date was my sisters birthday so that caused a huge row etc...

it was only when my ds arrived very very early and they were told by the scbu staff to support me or get out that things changed. I had to ask one of them to come up and do something with the DS's this weekend as i needed the break.

If i were you, and i know this probably sounds harsh but after 10 years to look back i can see what i should have done, i would explain to my mum and dad how i feel and say that after your baby is born, please would they visit you and come to you for a few weeks. You can avoid thier house an d your sister easily when you have a newborn. Dont give her your things or even entertain the thought of carrying her through this. She will get a shock when she has to deliver two babies. Be supportive, understand that she may well be scared too but dont give into her or rise to the fight.

I would make her something really nice like a basket of goodies ( freebies and test pots!!) or something for the babies like a painting for the nursery, then hand it over saying "good luck, it will be awfull but you will be there".

It may be hard at 22 to be the grown up, but you have to. I was 19 when i had my DS1 and if it wasnt for the experience of going to scbu i would have been a mess with my sisters trying to control me and the baby.

good luck XXX

Thanks Jam, your post is really valuable, and thanks for taking the time to explain your circumstances. Her H wouldn't put the babies' bath together so my DP offered, and my DPs really good at art so he offered to do her some pics for the nursery. He also bought them a baby gym and we went up to their house and gave them it, but they started cleaning up around us and getting ready for bed. Our cue to go I guess!!

I think we will have to avoid her for a while, but I just love my mum, dad and brother so much that I really wanted to share this time with them .

Shitemum- definately want to clear the air but have no idea how. Any suggestions are welcome!

The in-laws are ok but very, very controlling lol. Plus I've always had such a pride in my once fantastic family. I was so proud when I took DP to meet them last year, but my sister and her H were weird with him straight away and then it all began. Turns out it was because they could see we were a great match and were worried he'd get me pregnant when they were struggling to have kids. It's all just got worse by the day since then.

No idea why mums gives in to her so much.. can anyone shed some light?

Freckle- I think you're right about the jealousy thing. I just don't know how it started though. I think it's because her H has brainwashed her. He started a row and made her get out of the car today and left her to walk up a huge hill when she's preg with twins and has back pains so bad she's had to have physio, and she's starting with SPD. She doesn't even know where he went. It's pathetic. I think she has such a bad time that she hates me for having a great DP and a nice life (aside from money problems).

UPDATE:

She's obviously had a long hard think because she just rang my mum and said she's going to see about putting the twins in child care a couple of days a week so that mum can look after my baby when i go back to work (I'm only doing a few hours but don't have anyone to look after the baby as MIL has just started a new job and childcare is more expensive than i first thought).

My mum told my sister I'd been upset about some things she'd said on the phone to me the other night, and my sister said she thinks she's been misunderstood.

Also, today she was upset because she said she thinks her babies will come out crying and keep crying and I said 'I would too if (her H) was my dad'. I was just joking. Everyone says it because he's VERY loud, but she'd taken offense and said 'Well I won't say what i think about you.' So I can apologise for that and hopefully things will start to get better!!

I think I'm probably being VERY hopeful because things have been going on too long to just be sorted out, but I am starting to realise just how bad things are with her H and I think he's the one that tries to make her dislike me.

Jealously seems the obvious thing now.

Your BIL sounds awful, I wonder if their marriage will survive having 2 newborns to cope with.

I hope you manage to sort things out with your sister to that it improves my only suggestion is that you try to spend time with her when your BIL is at work/not around me thinks he may well be the biggest problem - him and jealousy.

Can you ask your sis to go baby window shopping with you or something?

It may be a long shot but you may find more common ground as new parents than you have done previously. She is probably nervous about having two babies together, and she is a lot older than you (although 31 isn't old to be having a baby).

My sister is 7.5 years older than me and I struggled for years to get her to stop treating me as a child, which persisted until well into my 20s and started again in my 30s when she started comparing my bfs with each other (she hated my last bf and told me that she'd preferred me to date someone else - like it was any of her business ). I do struggle to maintain a cordial relationship with her but I feel that someone out of the two of us has to act like an adult so it might as well be me. It's hard though.

i second Lecomtesse - when you become a parent you realise that other women with small babies are in the same boat as you no matter what else may be going on in their lives or whatever their background.
Hope you can become friends with your sister again.

mumblesmummy - nothing much of use to add but am glad she rang your mum and said about a fairer childcare arrangement. that will be pretty tough on your mum wont it though - 3 babies a week to look after? But then it's up to her to say i suppose.

Her and her H sound so unhappy. Just be pleased (as i know you are from your posts)that you have a lovely partner. I expect it is hard for her to see you being happy, loved and looked after as you should be. Her H is in for a few shocks with twins and i bet she will end up needing you more than she will ever realise x

I think you are both being childish. Neither of youu should still have a bedroom at your parents house. It is up to them who uses which bedroom when people come to stay.
You need to try and talk to your sister and your Mum about the other things, But in the end it is up to your Mum what she does.