To leave my husband as he can't make decisions

[Drillinginmyears]

In the beginning of our relationship the signs were there. But, we bonded through shared issues about our families. He is sensitive, into music, the arts, politics, all things I am too. I thought the match was great. 2 kids later aged 4 and 7, and a lot of personal counselling later. I can see how I have made all decisions while he is too afraid to. He came from a strict up bringing and was never allowed to voice an opinion. But he's just not able to get over it and try to bring any thoughts to family life.He's been in and out of therapy but I don't see any attitude change. Where as I have really sorted my boundaries out and for the better.

I'm exhausted by having all the mental load. Eg today, he mentions taking the kids swimming. Right in front of them. Then wanders off. No further thoughts. Kids excited. He's in a dream land about something else. I ask him what he wants to do re swimming. He looks at floor, shrugs shoulders and say 'ermmmm dunno' as kids are excited now, I'm then trying to work out the day.

This happens with everything. He's like a 3rd child asking to do things. I'm at breaking point. I just can't see a way forward. WWYD?

The way forward it divorce. And that’s what I’d do. He’ll continue you to faff around but you won’t have to look at him while he does it.

Today, if the kids ask about swimming tell them to talk to their dad.

To start with, I wouldn’t have asked him what he wanted to do, I’d have told him to get their kit and take them. And yes, I know you shouldn’t have to.

If he’s not going to change, you need to decide if you want to carry on like this. I honestly don’t know if this would be a deal breaker for me. However, I do get the men behaving like children problem! It was a conversation I had with DH just this morning.

I think on balance I would try to turn things back and give him direction…

shall we go swimming later?

sounds like a plan - you pack their bags and I’ll book the pool.

I wouldn't have asked him what he wanted to do, he mentioned swimming it was up to him to either sort it or disappoint his kids. How do you know he wouldn't have sorted it without you getting involved?

Oh the irony!

Personally I don't think that's anywhere near enough reason enough to break up a family with young kids, especially if all other aspects and compatibility are good and it's a great match.

Sounds like a communication issue that CAN be worked on. I understand you don't want to feel you have 3 kids, its so frustrating, but the alternative you've mentioned really isn't better for anyone.

He came from a strict up bringing and was never allowed to voice an opinion.

Talking therapy/CBT will never get to the bottom of this because there's still a part of his subconscious that believes being silent is the safest option, and no amount of rational thinking will supersede that inner child.

Given that he is willing to try to deal with this is a start. Have a look at the book "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz and "Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay. And have a read of my AMA on remedial hypnosis - it'll help you/him understand how the mind works/.

Are you 100% certain it's because he is afraid to make decisions?

Based on your example I would have assumed two different things before fear and that is laziness/can't be arsed to see it through OR (and I suspect it is this) he feels the minutiae of life is beneath him and that's why he married. He wanted a life PA to make his life easier and it's a woman's job to facilitate his thoughts and bring them to fruition, ie your job .

I'm married to someone lazy and selfish and it is soul destroying. Join me in getting out.

My ex was like this. Never made any decisions. Everything was left for me to decide and organise. It I asked his opinion he'd shrug and say "whatever you think". If i didnt decide and organise things then wed do absolutely nothing. He wasn't afraid to give an opinion, he was just lazy.

The worse thing for me was the feeling that I had no one to fall back on. When important decisions had to be made I had to make them alone. When I was sick, I had to tell him what to do with the kids/house because he would happily sit around doing nothing while the kids destroyed the house through boredom. It's that feeling of not having a partner. Knowing that if you drop the ball, there's no one there to pick it up.

I'm happier since we broke up. I'm still doing it all alone but now Im doing it without the resentment.

Thank you. I think you are right. And getting him to face the fear of getting in touch with his inner child is the issue.

I know. But it is possible and it's not traumatic - because that child will want to change their behaviour once they know silence is no longer an appropriate (or necessary) strategy.

Took me a minute.

Never mind his "inner child" and the way his parents treated him and other pop psychology Freudianisms.

He's lazy, end of. He doesn't do difficult stuff like organising the kids' swimming because he can't be bothered, and he knows you'll do it.

Psychoanalysing it is just excuse-making. He needs to step up and be a decent parent and adult.

I can see how I have made all decisions while he is too afraid to. He came from a strict up bringing and was never allowed to voice an opinion.

Honestly, he must be laughing into his sleeve that you've concocted this far-fetched excuse for his laziness...!

If it walks and quacks like a lazy man, it's a lazy man.

I think you’re completely over complicating this and making excuses for him around his upbringing etc, it’s really simple - he’s says he’s taking the kids swimming so just say great when are you going and leave him to it, this is nothing to do with making decisions it’s just him being lazy.

Did he expect you’d then take them swimming instead? What actually happened, did he take them?

What in gods name are you talking about? If you go off babbling about nonsense like this while he’s wandering around with his head in the clouds you’re as bad as each other.

Did anyone take the kids swimming or were you both too busy psychoanalysing his childhood to do anything practical?

I'm guessing all those who've poo poo'd the idea that this is an issue from his childhood don't have any anxieties of any kind, eating or weight problems, addictions or phobias, or any other self doubts.

Congratulations. Now all you need is to develop some empathy for those who weren't as fortunate.

He wasn't afraid to speak up though was he? He suggested swimming. Then left it up to you to arrange. That's not a 'frightened child'. That's a lazy man. A 'frightened child' wouldn't have been able to suggest it in the first place.

OP you really need to stop making excuses for him. What he's doing to your DC is cruel.

I had a horrendous childhood. And guess what, i don't land that shit on my kids.

He's not your typical useless man - he seems more damaged than anything.

He seems to be looking to you for permission in the same way he might have looked to his parents. So, one approach may be to continually take the line: You don't need my permission to [take the children swimming/whatever]. A lot of people don't realise just how messed up some people can be from poor parenting. Good luck.

Yes, my ex was like this too and I started to feel resentful when I realised I was driving the whole relationship (both literally and metaphorically). If I didn't decide on things to do AND drive us there, we wouldn't have done anything much ever.

It's all about taking on the mental load too and all the responsibility.

I feel your pain, OP.

You beat me to it

He's still a child.
He needs about 5 years of trauma therapy if his therapist hasn't noticed yet.

Because he didn’t get off his arse and take his kids swimming? Wow the projection going on in this thread is unreal.

Five years????