To leave my husband as he can't make decisions

[Drillinginmyears]

In the beginning of our relationship the signs were there. But, we bonded through shared issues about our families. He is sensitive, into music, the arts, politics, all things I am too. I thought the match was great. 2 kids later aged 4 and 7, and a lot of personal counselling later. I can see how I have made all decisions while he is too afraid to. He came from a strict up bringing and was never allowed to voice an opinion. But he's just not able to get over it and try to bring any thoughts to family life.He's been in and out of therapy but I don't see any attitude change. Where as I have really sorted my boundaries out and for the better.

I'm exhausted by having all the mental load. Eg today, he mentions taking the kids swimming. Right in front of them. Then wanders off. No further thoughts. Kids excited. He's in a dream land about something else. I ask him what he wants to do re swimming. He looks at floor, shrugs shoulders and say 'ermmmm dunno' as kids are excited now, I'm then trying to work out the day.

This happens with everything. He's like a 3rd child asking to do things. I'm at breaking point. I just can't see a way forward. WWYD?

Don’t agree with any of the above. It’s been instilled into him that he can’t have a voice. I went through things as a child that I still can’t shake now.

Something that might help him is EMDR therapy, especially if he can identify specific occasions that were traumatic or reinforced this viewpoint.

Have you told him what you’re thinking - even down to how it makes you think about your marriage ? If not - then start there. Does he even know this is an issue he has?

I grew up with parents who were terrified to make any decision ever, and was also taught that nice girls never say anything other than ‘I don’t mind’. It was an unhelpful upbringing, but ultimately, I’m responsible for how I deal with it as an adult. We all are.

Sympathies, OP. It sounds exhausting. I have a passive, indecisive friend. His wife proposed to him when it was clear he was happy for their LD relationship to continue indefinitely (it had gone on 8 years at this point), arranged the wedfing, looked up old friends he’d drifted out of touch with to invite, found him a closer job, and subsequently did all the household and child-related work and decision-making while working FT. He just drifts, and his idea of a good time is scrolling through the internet on the sofa. I think she just wore out in the end. But she still had to help him rent a house and arrange a removal van!

I’m bit sure about this frightened child business. I do see an incompetent man.

How on earth is him mentioning to the kids about going swimming an example of him and his inner child being too scared to speak up?

This thread is batshit 🤣

It doesn't matter what's behind it. It's whether OP can live with it. She's been patient while he's had therapy, but it's changed nothing. Maybe some wives could put up with it, take the matriarch role and treat him like another child, because he's damaged. But no-one should have to, or be guilted into staying in a marriage that isn't working for them.