Help is my DH being UR

[myselfand]

I'm not sure where to start here considering it's not about me but my H... so he has a group of friends, whose wives have become my friends.
But it seems that the men have formed a WhatsApp group with everyone one else except him. He has known about this with a little whilr but recently it's become more prominent for example plans have been made a couple of weeks in advance and my DH only finds out a day or two.
Tonight, it came to a head where 3-4 of them were going out but the details were discussed in this other group and he just had to roll with it.
My heart is breaking for him because he's good to every one of them and is being deliberately isolated. He broke down to me this evening but still went out, which I think he needed to do. But it feels like playground mind games even though we're in our 40s!
I really want to bring it up with the women, even though I know it's not my circus but I've just reached the point where I cant do nothing.
I'd appreciate any advise on how to deal with grown adults! Thanks all x

Make a group one with both the husbands and wives?

Oh gosh how horrible for your DH. Does he have any idea why?

Has he mentioned it to them?

My heart is breaking for him. It’s awful they are treating him like this.

Do they know he knows about WhatsApp group?

Any chance they simply don't realise he hasn't been added? Could the person setting the group up just have accidentally missed adding him?

He must have asked to be added to the Whatsapp group, so what was their answer? Or do they just never get around to it? Yes, I would have to mention it, well ask, the wives if they know any reason for it. If he is deliberately being excluded then they aren't friends and I wouldn't want to know them. He needs friends that don't cause him to break down due to their treatment of him. If they are doing this on purpose, then they are pathetic and need to grow up.

Has he asked to be added?

Why is it up to " the women" to sort this?
Has your DH mentioned it to the men and if not, why not?

He doesn't know why this group is without him, he's been going back months trying to rack his brain to figure what he's done.
Yes he knows about the group and any time he's broached the subject with a couple who he's closest to (2 of them were groomsmen at our wedding) they've been evasive, presumably because they don't want to confront the administrator.
He's just back and is pretty cut up about it. He's literally overanalysing everything, being super paranoid and to be honest i would too, I know what it's like to be the subject of bullying by isolating and it's the psychological impact more than anything that's worse.
I really appreciate everyone's input and hoping things will look better in the morning but I fear we have opened the floodgates tonight

Has he asked the administrator outright? What sort of relationship do you have with his wife OP? Could you ask her about it?

He should just ditch them tbh

They don't sound like good friends and he sounds like an after thought for events

I think he needs to find better friends to be honest.

This is really awful. I feel terrible for him

I think, sadly, that the whole friendship group needs to be dropped .

Ah your poor DH😔
That's really shitty OP, I hope he finds out what's going on.
I would be hurt and fuming too.

I hope he says something.

or bins them all

we did this with a group chat born out of a kids sport team. We became aware that part of the group was going out with each other and not even being discreet about it on the main group chat so I just left it. Different situation slightly, but I’m glad I did.

That is horrible behaviour. I think when all the couples are together I would have to say something to the administrator ,in front of everyone, and watch him squirm .

he needs to put a message in the group he’s part of asking to join the other

that lets them all know he knows and see what unfolds from there

is there any of the wives you could ask

You really have to dump the whole group, so I’m not sure there need be any bridges carefully retained. Phone/meet administrators wife and say your dh is too upset to ask, but has he pissed someone off accidentally, since they won’t add him to their WhatsApp group? Then depending on the answer you may need to tell her her husband is a fucking childish school yard bully and you hope life deals him the karma he deserves, and tell her that ‘if you support this then honestly everything you’ve ever thought about yourself being a good person is a lie, you’re not.’ I cannot imagine bullying someone like this an adult.

I feel bad for your, DP, I really do. So sorry if this sounds heartless but he's a grown man - he needs to sort this out himself.

You'll both look absolutely foolish if you approach the wives group about this issue - you're not his mum seeing the school about some name-calling.

He needs to either:
A; remove himself from the 'main' WhatsApp group, block the men's numbers and move on with his life without these arseholes

B; straight out talk to the administrator - either ask to be added (cringe and plays into the bullies hands) or tell the administrator he's a nasty cunt and then see Point A

C; carry on as usual but make it clear that he's fucked off about not being added, and massage things towards coming to a head/resolution. For example, when DP is invited to things with shorter notice, don't go, and say "Well I would've come but I haven't had enough notice because it was all arranged in your secret little WhatsApp group that you've excluded me from"

TBH, I vote Point A - life's short, surround yourself with people who enrich you, ditch everyone else.

But you absolutely shouldn't go wading into this. Just listen to DP, be sympathetic, be supportive, but don't bring it up with the wives under any circumstances.

This doesn’t really make sense. You’re trying to say that this group are a great bunch of friends except for the fact your husband is excluded from a WhatsApp group for reasons no one will share with him. And yet all are good friends and your husband feels no other indication of alienation. Doesn’t add up. We keep saying that kids are too immature to deal with social media but obviously adults can’t either.

Completely agree with this although I'd do B and depending on how the other 'friends' reacted, I'd then do A or move past it positively.

Good luck to him though as that's a horrible situation.

I agree that you will look incredibly silly if you try and ask the wives to sort it out.
You are not his mother.
He needs to confront the administrator of the chat group.
Or pull back from them and focus on other, better friends.
I’ve got to the stage where I’d also do the latter.
I don’t chase, beg or plead with anyone to be my friend. Life is too short.

Any update?
how did the night go?