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Original poster

Sexually harassed by ex - how to handle it

31 replies

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 21:54

Posting here for traffic

me and ex share DS(7) and we split 4 years ago.

We split mainly due to his abuse - emotional and sexual. But he cannot / will not accept any of his behaviour as abusive.

after we split he and his family made my life hell, threats, fake social services calls, calling my work etc etc. things have finally settled down and we are able to coparent fairly smoothly

the issue is, in the past few months he has started sexually harassing me and it seems to be getting more frequent.

some examples are, groping me, telling me about sex dreams / fantasies he's had about me, telling me about looking at old nudes he has of me, flashing his penis.

all of this is obviously very upsetting and stressful for me, and I don't know what to do. If I try and talk about it he won't see anything he's done as wrong, it'll be pressed as an accident, he thought I wanted it, I'm playing the victim etc etc

im also worried with things being so calm if I do anything to rock the boat he will go back to making my life a misery.

sorry this has been so long, just looking for advise about how people would handle the situation

OP posts:
ConfusedConfuse · 01/06/2024 21:57

How does he manage to do this? Why are you spending time with him ? It's an easy solution stop letting him into your home?

ConfusedConfuse · 01/06/2024 21:57

I would handle it by not spending any time with him

Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 21:58

None of this has happened in my home. It's been at pick up / drop off for when DS spends time with him. I've cut as much contact as possible with him, I don't allow him into my home

OP posts:
ConfusedConfuse · 01/06/2024 21:58

He gets his penis out at your front door?

TheNinny · 01/06/2024 22:00

can you have a 3rd party do drop off/pick up?

ConfusedConfuse · 01/06/2024 22:00

So your child must see this then? In that case not sure why you are allowing contact that's sexually abusive to your child also...

Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:01

The incident where he flashed was on a video call. DS was spending Easter with him and wanted a video call to say hi to me. DS was done talking, so ex took the phone to tell me about DS behaviour (he'd been a bit naughty) and during this he took the phone into bedroom and stripped off. I protested and he acted suprised - said he needed to change but didn't think I'd see anything. With the camera propped up facing him... :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:02

DS didn't see the flashing, ex was in a different room. The other things have taken place where DS was there but didn't see / hear it. Like DS is in the back of the car and ex whispers it to me as I'm getting in the car

OP posts:
Naran · 01/06/2024 22:03

I'd try and grey rock/ignore it. You need to coparent so you can't really go nuclear. He'll move on to someone else to harass soon (sadly)

comedycentral · 01/06/2024 22:05

Have you got someone who could accompany you to drop offs?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2024 22:06

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:01

The incident where he flashed was on a video call. DS was spending Easter with him and wanted a video call to say hi to me. DS was done talking, so ex took the phone to tell me about DS behaviour (he'd been a bit naughty) and during this he took the phone into bedroom and stripped off. I protested and he acted suprised - said he needed to change but didn't think I'd see anything. With the camera propped up facing him... :/

Why didn't you give him a bollocking and hang up whilst he was stripping off? Plenty of time to do that before he got his dick out

Rubbishconfession · 01/06/2024 22:07

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 21:58

None of this has happened in my home. It's been at pick up / drop off for when DS spends time with him. I've cut as much contact as possible with him, I don't allow him into my home

Stay inside the door when he picks up / drops DS off.

Stay in the car when you pick up / drop off DS.

If he turns the camera away from DS, end the call.

Tell him by text that if he sexually harasses you again you will go to the police.

CatsLikeBoxes · 01/06/2024 22:07

Don't get in a car with him. Hang up if he does anything inappropriate.
Personally I'd report it to the police so that there is a record of it if he makes false reports to SS

Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:09

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2024 22:06

Why didn't you give him a bollocking and hang up whilst he was stripping off? Plenty of time to do that before he got his dick out

Show quote history

He was just wearing a dressing gown, so it happened really quickly. I just kind of froze up tbh, I was shocked. I should have been more forceful about how unacceptable it was

OP posts:
ConfusedConfuse · 01/06/2024 22:10

Why was you getting into his car? You need to give clear boundaries and I would have hanged up the phone as soon as he took it off your child.

Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:11

To answer some posters, I do have a family member who I think would do drop offs / pick ups for me if I asked. I've just been reluctant because

  1. it's embarrassing, I don't really want to admit what's been going on
  2. ex hates my family - I'm worried this would escalate in some way
OP posts:
Original poster
Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:13

Sorry I haven't been clear about the car thing, I haven't gotten into his car.
I have a 3 door car, so when picking up I have to get out of my car, put DS in the back, then get back in.

whilst I've been leaning in helping DS with seatbelt he's groped me. And also once opened my door to lean in and say bye to DS and grabbed at me at the same time. This is also when he makes sexual comments, when I'm stood outside the car having just got DS in his seat.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 01/06/2024 22:16

Don't let this man hide in the dark with this though, he's thriving on you feeling embarrassed and freezing up. He knows you are likely to just accept this for the easy life. Can you document every incident so far, what happened and when? Consider an internal and external dash cams in your car that can record sound and capture any dodgy behaviour.

PrincessTeaSet · 01/06/2024 22:16

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:11

To answer some posters, I do have a family member who I think would do drop offs / pick ups for me if I asked. I've just been reluctant because

  1. it's embarrassing, I don't really want to admit what's been going on
  2. ex hates my family - I'm worried this would escalate in some way

You need to be quite clear that you don't allow him to do this and make sure there are no opportunities for it to happen, or if it does, tell him in no uncertain terms.

He's doing it because he is getting a kick out of abusing you. He will most likely escalate things further unless he is stopped. He doesn't sound like safe person for a child to be around. I would be inclined to report him to the police. The fact that you are scared of his reaction if you do anything to stop it is a big worry.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2024 22:17

Report him to the police then, it's a no brainer, he's sexually assaulting you

SleepPrettyDarling · 01/06/2024 22:20

OMG at the posters saying ‘why have you let him … why are you..’ Do not victim blame the person who is being harassed and groped.

PrincessTeaSet · 01/06/2024 22:20

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:13

Sorry I haven't been clear about the car thing, I haven't gotten into his car.
I have a 3 door car, so when picking up I have to get out of my car, put DS in the back, then get back in.

whilst I've been leaning in helping DS with seatbelt he's groped me. And also once opened my door to lean in and say bye to DS and grabbed at me at the same time. This is also when he makes sexual comments, when I'm stood outside the car having just got DS in his seat.

You must have very low self esteem to let him do this. Don't be embarrassed - it's not your fault. It's him who should be embarrassed. Honestly it is totally unacceptable for him to do this. The dash cam suggestion is a good one.

Rubbishconfession · 01/06/2024 22:21

Hshagaysvwge · 01/06/2024 22:13

Sorry I haven't been clear about the car thing, I haven't gotten into his car.
I have a 3 door car, so when picking up I have to get out of my car, put DS in the back, then get back in.

whilst I've been leaning in helping DS with seatbelt he's groped me. And also once opened my door to lean in and say bye to DS and grabbed at me at the same time. This is also when he makes sexual comments, when I'm stood outside the car having just got DS in his seat.

Can DS sit in a booster seat in the front seat, so you don’t have to get out?

But I think you do need to report to police.

RawBloomers · 01/06/2024 22:23

Groping isn’t just sexual harassment, it’s sexual assault. And it sounds like your ex is escalating? If so, I would be really concerned and think it’s important you report to the police as well as taking steps to limit his access to you. If it’s not escalating then possibly just putting strong boundaries in place will be sufficient.

How old is DS? Do you have to get out of your car when you pick him up/drop him off? Do you have a friend (ideally male) or family member who would do the handover/drop off for you?

I would also refuse to video call with him any more, if he takes the phone off your son then hang up and call back on voice only. If he takes advantage of any other medium then limit that. Keep any documentation you have of harassment (texts, emails, voicemails etc.) and consider recording interactions with him if there’s no other way to verify what he does to you. You can tell him you’ll be videoing all interactions after his last [however he last harassed or assaulted you] if you want. Knowing it will be recorded might be enough to make him behave better.

Be clear - he has overstepped on way too many occasions and because of that you will limit the way he can interact with you and stick to.

You may rock the boat, but the boat is already on the way to capsizing if he’s flashing and assaulting you.

Edited: Sorry, just seen DS is in a booster seat. Strongly suggest taking someone with you every time and recording in the car.

ChangeAgain2 · 01/06/2024 22:24

I would record all telephone or Facetime contact. I'd also record at pick up and drop offs. If he gets sexual I would challenge it every time. I'd show them to the police if anything occurs.

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