Am I annoying or does he have anger issues?

[itsafunnyone]

My husband and I argue all the time.

My husband is very picky & particular and everything has to be done a certain way. I am the opposite and I’m not particular at all, but I will try and do things as he likes them, but there is always something.
The main issue is that He will literally fly off the handle if things are done in the ‘wrong’ way.

One thing he is mad about is not using metal implements in non stick pans. fair enough, I don’t do this.
He made dinner tonight, and when I went int the kitchen I saw he was using a metal spoon to spoon the food out of the pan. I thought this was really hypocritical, as it’s the sort of thing he has shouted at me for in the past, so I couldn’t resist saying ‘you shouldn’t be using that spoon in there.’

He went mad, swore at me a bunch of times, said it was ok for him to use it but not me because I’m stupid and clumsy. When I stood up for my point he threatened to throw the food at me, swore some more and stormed out of the room. My 10 ye old son was witness to all of this and was upset.

I went to speak to him later and he’s fuming as he sees me as being ungrateful and a nag as he cooked dinner. Another argument escalated and he ended up storming out of the house.
I feel like it’s so over the top. I understand he found my comment annoying but I feel the swearing and storming out is ridiculous & it’s like he has anger problems.

who is being unreasonable??

Do you really need to ask OP? He's an absolute arse. Is your son his child? I couldn't live with someone like this. He's also demonstrating abusive behaviour to your son.

Christ Almighty, he sounds terrifying and dangerous and not a man I'd want around my son!

He absolutely cannot moan at you for doing something he does. His response was completely disproportionate.

He absolutely has anger problems, severe ones.

Why do you think you are in doubt about this? I imagine it will be perfectly obvious to anyone reading your post that he has a serious problem with anger.

Did you grow up being abused in the same way, so his behaviour seemed normal, or did he start out being nice to you and his anger issues appeared (or escalated significantly) once you were locked into the relationship through finances, marriage or children?

I'd do myself and my son a favour and get away from this nit picking arsehole. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days treading on eggshells and worrying if every tiny thing you do is done the 'right' way? It may be low level controlling abuse but it's controlling abuse all the same. Your poor son to have had to witness that.

We’re married and been together a long time, totally locked in financially etc.
honestly, he’s an arse to me a lot but I think I have become de sensitised to it half the time, but I’ve really noticed the negative effect it has on the children recently.

he told me I’m very selfish and I was picking an argument, I can never see things from his point of view etc, ungrateful because he had made dinner.

LTB

Spoon the loon! Out of your life, love.

He’s not fit for consumption.

That's abusive and your child is being damaged by witnessing the abuse please seek help to leave him

www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/children-affected-domestic-abuse-violence#:~:text=Long%2Dterm%20effects%20of%20domestic,lowered%20sense%20of%20self%2Dworth

I don’t feel like it’s abuse abuse, but I recognise it’s not healthy - I just don’t know how to break out of the cycle…?

He is being abusive , he's gaslighting you into thinking it's your problem. And yes he has massive anger issues and it's not your fault. You don't deserve this and your son definitely doesn't deserve to be living in this environment.

It is abuse, unless you are under the age of 2 , throwing food at someone is abusive.

This sounds like my ex.

I still remember the day he went off the rails the day I hung washing out on the line while he was building his new shed. Apparently, I was deliberately trying to distract and obstruct him with my laundry flapping about (that included his laundry too). He was so angry he had to shout, swear, call me names, throw tools around, storm off for the day, get pissed down the pub, not come home and not answer any of my calls or texts.

This behaviour continued to escalate to more and more abuse. I kicked him out the day he pinned me to the floor seething in my face, and drawing back punches and pretending to hit me (but hitting the floor besdie my head and laughing at me flinching) for because his KFC was apparently too dry, and that was my fault for not cooking him a home cooked meal.

Be careful OP. The level of anger he's displaying over something trivial (and yes, hypocritical) is frightening.

Abuse doesn't have to be him hitting you or keeping you prisoner in the house, it can still be things like always criticising everything you do and calling you names, making you feel small or worthless. I understand it's difficult to break away from a life you've been in for so long but please get help/support from wherever you can to get out of this, you may have become desensitised to it but I can guarantee it's causing your children no end of upset. Does he ever turn on them the way he does you?

This really, really is abuse.

It’s also teaching your son that this is “normal” behaviour, which is not setting him up for happy and harmonious relationships in the future.

he is an angry man in general. Do ppl ever get better, and stop acting like this? Does therapy help?
fyi There is no history of abuse or trauma on either side- on the outside we’re a very normal couple.

I feel like I can’t ever tell friends how he speaks to me as it’s so humiliating

80% if the time he’s a great dad. Other times he is short tempered and grumpy with them. The kids ask all the time if we will break up.

And I’d be saying goodbye. Absolute arse.

No.they don't. Unless they recognise they have a problem and actively want to change.

Your poor son is being emotionally abused by witnessing such abuse.
He threatened you with violence.
Throwing food is domestic violence.
Contact Women's aid and let them explain to you how serious this is.
You are choosing to accept this.
Your children have no such choice and will pay a terrible price for being witness to such terrible abuse.

Please take this very seriously.
Hopefully your children will tell someone like a teacher about their awful home life and SS will get involved.
This is not normal behaviour.
You and your children deserve better.

If someone served you a meal that was 80 percent great and 20 percent rat poison, would you eat it?

Are you aware that some men are great dads/partners 100 percent of the time? That doesn't mean they never get tired or frustrated or short-tempered, but when they do, they make the effort to manage their feelings and continue to speak well to their children/partner. And on the rare occasions they are really at the end of their tether and are a bit abrupt or short or rude, they recognise quickly that they have behaved poorly and proactively apologise rather than blaming the other person?

he told me I’m very selfish and I was picking an argument, I can never see things from his point of view etc, ungrateful because he had made dinner.

And on the days that he takes issue with how you're doing something, do you berate him for picking an argument, not seeing things from your point of view, being ungrateful for you cooking dinner? No, didn't think so.

I grew up in a house with parents like this. There wasn’t a week without a blazing argument.

I was desperate for them to split up.

Your children will be damaged if you stay.