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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I annoying or does he have anger issues?

36 replies

itsafunnyone · 01/06/2024 19:57

My husband and I argue all the time.

My husband is very picky & particular and everything has to be done a certain way. I am the opposite and I’m not particular at all, but I will try and do things as he likes them, but there is always something.
The main issue is that He will literally fly off the handle if things are done in the ‘wrong’ way.

One thing he is mad about is not using metal implements in non stick pans. fair enough, I don’t do this.
He made dinner tonight, and when I went int the kitchen I saw he was using a metal spoon to spoon the food out of the pan. I thought this was really hypocritical, as it’s the sort of thing he has shouted at me for in the past, so I couldn’t resist saying ‘you shouldn’t be using that spoon in there.’

He went mad, swore at me a bunch of times, said it was ok for him to use it but not me because I’m stupid and clumsy. When I stood up for my point he threatened to throw the food at me, swore some more and stormed out of the room. My 10 ye old son was witness to all of this and was upset.

I went to speak to him later and he’s fuming as he sees me as being ungrateful and a nag as he cooked dinner. Another argument escalated and he ended up storming out of the house.
I feel like it’s so over the top. I understand he found my comment annoying but I feel the swearing and storming out is ridiculous & it’s like he has anger problems.

who is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
ItsOnlyJustBegun · 01/06/2024 20:43

My ex hit me when he discovered that I’d made the bed with fresh sheets and the duvet cover had the buttons running along the top of the duvet, rather than along the bottom where your feet normally are.

Instead of flipping the duvet, he hit me.

Please get out.

EverybodyLTB · 01/06/2024 20:43

Your poor son. Growing up in a house like this damages children for life. It affects them and all their future relationships. Start taking steps to leave.

Brandyb · 01/06/2024 21:30

My husband never behaves like this. He is always courteous to me, even when tired/frustrated.

You are totally inured to your own abuse - and your kids' abuse. It seems from what you said they are actually probing whether you can split from him?

Edenmum2 · 01/06/2024 21:48

Look the fucking doors

Edenmum2 · 01/06/2024 21:48

*lock

Choochoo21 · 01/06/2024 22:58

Poor kids.

I hope they’re at an age where they can move out soon.

Choochoo21 · 01/06/2024 23:00

ItsOnlyJustBegun · 01/06/2024 20:43

My ex hit me when he discovered that I’d made the bed with fresh sheets and the duvet cover had the buttons running along the top of the duvet, rather than along the bottom where your feet normally are.

Instead of flipping the duvet, he hit me.

Please get out.

That’s awful 💐

Well done for making him your ex.

Noseybookworm · 01/06/2024 23:01

I probably would have found your comment a bit annoying to be honest but I wouldn't have reacted as your husband did with screaming and shouting. If you can't tell your friends how he speaks to you because you feel it's too humiliating, what does that tell you? Your children are witnessing this OP. This will be their blueprint for relationships in adult life. Do you walk on eggshells around him, trying to do things the way he likes it so he won't get angry? You deserve better than this.

yellowsmileyface · 02/06/2024 07:10

itsafunnyone · 01/06/2024 20:24

he is an angry man in general. Do ppl ever get better, and stop acting like this? Does therapy help?
fyi There is no history of abuse or trauma on either side- on the outside we’re a very normal couple.

How often does he have these angry episodes when he's at work? Or in the company of friends?

rwalker · 02/06/2024 07:30

You’ve described my sister and my dad very little tolerance ,always right and off like a rocket then minutes later it’s like it never happened
100% can relate to being desensitised someone can be shouting I’m totally switched off
no idea what the answer is for you it is wearing but also very predictable

EmeraldDreams73 · 05/09/2024 21:11

itsafunnyone · 01/06/2024 20:13

I don’t feel like it’s abuse abuse, but I recognise it’s not healthy - I just don’t know how to break out of the cycle…?

This IS absolutely emotional abuse, OP. It took me years to recognise it when it happened to me because he could so often be nice, but it's control and manipulation. Does he by any chance have an issue controlling his temper with others? Friends/family/colleagues? Even if it's a problem across the board, there may be reasons for it but THESE ARE NOT EXCUSES FOR THAT BEHAVIOUR. If, as I suspect, he can actually choose who to unleash it on and it's generally you, what does that tell you?

Please start reading up about it (Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is a great start). Get some counselling for yourself (NOT joint - they manipulate counsellors).

It's not you. You don't have to be perfect to deserve to be treated well.

Read that last sentence again.

He's a fucking asshole and you need to get yourself and your children away from him, love.

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