Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 12yo to have own bed at her dad’s?

41 replies

ThisLife2024 · 01/06/2024 18:26

My ex and I have 2 kids together, age 12 and 8. He is flitting between living at new GF’s 5/6 days a week and spending weekends at his parents’ where he has the kids each weekend for one night.

The kids (girls) have been sharing a double mattress on the floor for over 2 years on these weekly visits. They have the spare room.

Now my eldest has started her period and says she doesn’t want to share a bed with her little sister when she’s on it. Which is fair enough I think!

I have told ex, and as per he shut me down and said I was talking rubbish basically, and they are fine to share a bed (presumably into adulthood).

Now 12yo is anxious about going and saying she won’t go when on her period.

AIBU to expect him to at least sort out bunk beds for them?! Can I refuse to send her to her dad’s if he won’t change the sleeping arrangements and provide a separate bed?

We have split pretty amicably and I do pick my battles but this is winding me up. He has no empathy with her.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 01/06/2024 18:27

YANBU. How pathetic that this man literally can’t even provide a bed for his children and has no intentions of even trying to.

Why can’t he offer his own bed up to his DD and take the couch. This would wind me up badly OP.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/06/2024 18:27

Can you speak with the grandparents if you aren’t getting anywhere with your ex? It’s their house and if they’re facilitating contact they presumably have a relationship with their granddaughters and want them to be comfortable?

Original poster
ThisLife2024 · 01/06/2024 18:39

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/06/2024 18:27

Can you speak with the grandparents if you aren’t getting anywhere with your ex? It’s their house and if they’re facilitating contact they presumably have a relationship with their granddaughters and want them to be comfortable?

Edited

Yes I think this is the way round it tbh. I told her to have a word with them and I will if nothing has been decided this weekend. Thanks!

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2024 18:40

I think social services specify that a dedicated sleeping space is the bare minimum - I'm fairly certain they'd take a dim view of this arrangement if my understanding is correct?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 01/06/2024 18:41

A judge would allow dd1 to choose how much contact she had with dad because of her age.

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 18:42

It's fine let her miss contact when her period is on if that's what she wants and follow up with an email to explain why and that it was her choice. Let it go to court if he can be arsed.

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 18:43

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

You don't see the problem but the 12 year old sees a problem. I wouldn't want to share a bed with my sister, I'm sure lots of people would feel the same

SonicTheHodgeheg · 01/06/2024 18:44

Sharing a room is fine but I think that 2 singles is much more appropriate than a double.

Cbljgdpk · 01/06/2024 18:44

I don’t think it’s a massive thing on it’s own but obviously if your DD isn’t comfortable with it then that’s fair enough and I wouldn’t force her to visit unless he comes out with a different idea. Is she worried about leaking through in the night?

SemperIdem · 01/06/2024 18:44

He just needs to get them bunk beds. Why is he being so obtuse and tight?

LittleRedYarny · 01/06/2024 18:47

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

Whether or not you see it as an issue, the OPs older daughter does… maybe there are things you don’t like and others see as not a problem and you should just knuckle under and crack on, irrespective of your feelings? Not a great feeling is it?!

Mumofteenandtween · 01/06/2024 18:49

Well - he has two options. Either he can spend several hundred pounds taking you to court about it. Where there is a good chance that the court will agree with her anyway. (She is just about old enough, her objections are reasonable and she isn’t ending the relationship.)

Or he can spend £30 on two single airbeds from Argos.

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 20:49

LittleRedYarny · 01/06/2024 18:47

Whether or not you see it as an issue, the OPs older daughter does… maybe there are things you don’t like and others see as not a problem and you should just knuckle under and crack on, irrespective of your feelings? Not a great feeling is it?!

Show quote history

Well that is life, sometimes you just do have to. Life is never perfect all the time, sometimes you need to put up with minor inconveniences and it benefits kids to learn that. Which is why I was asking OP what was the concern/worry. Maybe there is another solution.

Catsmere · 02/06/2024 00:03

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 20:49

Well that is life, sometimes you just do have to. Life is never perfect all the time, sometimes you need to put up with minor inconveniences and it benefits kids to learn that. Which is why I was asking OP what was the concern/worry. Maybe there is another solution.

Show quote history

Are you her father?

BrokenWing · 02/06/2024 02:07

Catsmere · 02/06/2024 00:03

Are you her father?

Show quote history

Do you really expect an answer to that? If you have a sensible question ask it instead of failing spectacularly to look clever.

It was a reasonable question to ask what the dds concerns are.

Catsmere · 02/06/2024 02:11

It wasn't remotely reasonable. The only "minor inconvenience" would be for her father to buy separate beds or bunks for the girls. Instead he, and you, think it's fine for a girl going through puberty to have to share a bed when she has her period. A young teen being denied privacy is seemingly not an issue for you. So yeah, I don't care whether you think I was trying and failing to be clever, I was pointing out that your complete lack of empathy for her was on a level with her indifferent father's.

YaMuvva · 02/06/2024 02:15

Wow.

I can’t imagine why you divorced such an inconsiderate loser.

If nothing else to let them go 2 years sleeping on the floor (very bad for your back BTW) is selfish AF. Maybe he can save money by staying home for a bit and save up for a bed.

Id ask your exILs to sort it out - it’s fairly easy to get bunk beds for free off Facebook or Freecycle. Otherwise I’d be keeping her at home during her period

ZiriForGood · 02/06/2024 02:18

BrokenWing · 02/06/2024 02:07

Do you really expect an answer to that? If you have a sensible question ask it instead of failing spectacularly to look clever.

It was a reasonable question to ask what the dds concerns are.

Show quote history

It wasn't a sensible question, but a trick one.

Your question suggests that she must have a good simple reason to be allowed her feelings.

It can be concerns about leaking, smell, cramps, having to explain to younger sister what is wrong with her, or general feeling that starting periods is tough, so could she please not have to face it while sharing bed with her young sister?

SinnerBoy · 02/06/2024 02:24

He's being extremely unreasonable. What a mean spirited, tight fisted waste of space he is.

He could easily get a reasonably priced bunk bed from IKEA. I can't believe that anyone has voted you down.

Codlingmoths · 02/06/2024 02:24

I don’t think I’d bother trying to sort it out. I’d say dd is 12, gets her period, and deserves some dignity and privacy. I won’t be making her go to your house when on or nearly on her period until she has her own bed.

Onedayatatime8 · 02/06/2024 02:29

My dd has a bed of her own at her dads and hates going when on her period. I stopped making her after a few time I realised I was going by his wishes not hers. As adults sometimes we just want to be in our own bed when we are on our periods and not have the worry of leaking etc
let her choose I really regret the few times I made her go

Ponderingwindow · 02/06/2024 02:37

It doesn’t matter why a child wants privacy or what age they are when they ask for privacy. They could be 3 or 13, they are still a human being whose wishes should be respected unless the request presents a safety issue.

even working within practical constraints, there are solutions to be found

KomodoOhno · 02/06/2024 05:08

loropianalover · 01/06/2024 18:27

YANBU. How pathetic that this man literally can’t even provide a bed for his children and has no intentions of even trying to.

Why can’t he offer his own bed up to his DD and take the couch. This would wind me up badly OP.

Edited

That's the perfect solution. A night or two on the sofa won't kill him.

SinnerBoy · 02/06/2024 06:00

Well, it is to a rational person, but he sounds like a silly, selfish sod.