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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect 12yo to have own bed at her dad’s?

41 replies

ThisLife2024 · 01/06/2024 18:26

My ex and I have 2 kids together, age 12 and 8. He is flitting between living at new GF’s 5/6 days a week and spending weekends at his parents’ where he has the kids each weekend for one night.

The kids (girls) have been sharing a double mattress on the floor for over 2 years on these weekly visits. They have the spare room.

Now my eldest has started her period and says she doesn’t want to share a bed with her little sister when she’s on it. Which is fair enough I think!

I have told ex, and as per he shut me down and said I was talking rubbish basically, and they are fine to share a bed (presumably into adulthood).

Now 12yo is anxious about going and saying she won’t go when on her period.

AIBU to expect him to at least sort out bunk beds for them?! Can I refuse to send her to her dad’s if he won’t change the sleeping arrangements and provide a separate bed?

We have split pretty amicably and I do pick my battles but this is winding me up. He has no empathy with her.

OP posts:
rwalker · 02/06/2024 06:16

Just tell him she won’t come unless she has her own bed also if your on good terms with grandparents tell them the reason

tell them the problem it’s up to them to sort whatever solution they need which is obviously separate beds

you won’t be refusing to send her she will be refusing

ittakes2 · 02/06/2024 08:34

You can get bunk beds which have a double bed on the bottom and a single bed up top - it would save him needing to buy two mattresses he would then only need a single.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2024 22:35

@BrokenWing expecting children to share a mattress is described as 'bed poverty' and social services recommend that children at least have their own bed to sleep in.

"Of the children who said they had to share a bed, many said it left them feeling tired the next day during school lessons, embarrassed (e.g. when going through puberty), anxious, or unhappy." www.mysocialworknews.com/article/children-sleeping-on-the-floor-and-sharing-soiled-beds-as-cost-of-living-crisis-continues

We live in a developed country. Assuming there is no financial reason that OP's ex cannot provide his children with adequate sleeping quarters, I can only assume he is a cheapskate of the highest order.

Children deserve comfortable sleeping arrangements just like the rest of us.

I'm very perturbed that you think children should not be afforded the same basic comforts that adults are allowed.

wizarddry · 02/06/2024 22:41

Onedayatatime8 · 02/06/2024 02:29

My dd has a bed of her own at her dads and hates going when on her period. I stopped making her after a few time I realised I was going by his wishes not hers. As adults sometimes we just want to be in our own bed when we are on our periods and not have the worry of leaking etc
let her choose I really regret the few times I made her go

I understand that but do find it sad he hasn't helped her feel that her bed at his is her bed

Westfacing · 02/06/2024 22:47

A mattress on the floor for two years? I'm surprised the grandparents haven't bought bunk beds for them, in the absence of their lazy-arse son doing so.

ShoveItUpYourArseMargaret · 02/06/2024 22:53

OP this is really sad. Your DDs need their own beds. It’s sad that neither their dad nor their GPs see this and I’d be concerned about everything else there tbh, your DDs don’t seem like a priority to them at all. I’d stop overnight stays until this is sorted.

Dramatic · 02/06/2024 22:54

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

Sometimes it's just not enough, I have heavy periods and nothing will stop leaks on a night. I'd also assume she may be feeling self conscious/embarrassed and clearly just wants her own space/privacy. I wouldn't even want to share a bed with anyone now other than my partner, let alone when I was a child.

Wotcher · 02/06/2024 22:57

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

But she’s not suggesting a double bed is she? She’s saying they need bunks/separate beds.

KitKatChunki · 02/06/2024 22:59

We stayed with my dad for a while to try to help him sort out his house (hoarding and not looking after it/himself). We struggled away there for months and it never occurred to him that we would need a hot bath at least once a week let alone every day/other day once a month. He refused to let us use hot water. Men don't compute this at all but you need to be able to be clear with him that if she doesn't feel happy she will not be staying. She is old enough to have her wishes known if he wants to take it to Court,

theeyeofdoe · 02/06/2024 23:08

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

If your children are doing that there are many charities which will help your children to have a better life. They dont't need to be doing that in 2024.

littlebluecaravan · 02/06/2024 23:14

I started my period I was 12 and it was a huge adjustment for me.

I hated sleeping over anywhere, I wanted to be in my own bed in my own space. I would leak quite badly, sweat profusely and suffer with insomnia. The last thing I would have wanted was sharing a bed with a sibling and sleeping on the floor.

Period aside, kids have a right to be safe and comfortable regardless, and she is obviously not comfortable with this arrangement.

If she doesn't want to go because of the sleeping arrangements that's absolutely her choice. Don't make her go, but do make sure the bunch of tight sods know exactly why.

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2024 23:18

Yeah that's shit OP.
I can't understand why their father can't sleep on the sofa when they stay?
That's just selfish. Some people men don't realise things unless they get spelled out though. Have you suggested it to him?
Completely get why she wouldn't want to stay over now.
I wouldn't want her to either until he gets the bed situation sorted out.

Secondstart1001 · 02/06/2024 23:26

Onedayatatime8 · 02/06/2024 02:29

My dd has a bed of her own at her dads and hates going when on her period. I stopped making her after a few time I realised I was going by his wishes not hers. As adults sometimes we just want to be in our own bed when we are on our periods and not have the worry of leaking etc
let her choose I really regret the few times I made her go

I have dds and part of the issue is not normalising periods around males / dads. Without outing myself I used to run a charity supporting young girls on their period. My girls were used to boxes of tampons and pads ( in packets of course) bring in the house , that I would distribute. So periods we very normal to talk about with them and also exH. Although he’s a major prick he’s good when girls are on period but they do still get embarrassed if they leak ect. As we have a 50/50 split it’s rare girls stay with me if they are on period ( but they are equally welcome to if they need some tlc :).

I 100% support the poster here, the DD feels uncomfortable and so she has every right not to go to her dads if he can’t provide a bed! The bed should have been provided years ago!

ManchesterLu · 02/06/2024 23:30

BrokenWing · 01/06/2024 18:40

The mattress on the floor isn't ideal, but I assume your dd would have the same problem if it was a double bed.

I don't see the problem with 12 and 8 year old sisters sharing a bed once a week in a room by themselves. Assuming she is properly sorted out with sanpro and period pants what is her concern?

Even "proper" protection can fail sometimes. Surely you've been there? I know I have. Or you come on unexpectedly - periods can be odd when you're first starting. There's no way I'd want to be sharing a bed with anyone at that age.

RawBloomers · 03/06/2024 02:12

I think the way your Ex dismissed any concern rather than being at all thoughtful or concerned (even if he’d come to the same conclusion in the end) is telling.

Could your elder DD’s anxiety and lack of desire to go while on her period be a wedge she’s been wanting an excuse to use for some time?

If you don’t have a court order then yes, you can just “refuse” to send her. At 12 a court would take her wishes into account when considering access so even if you do have a court order, you could go back to court to vary it and would quite likely get what your DD wants.

YRGAM · 24/10/2024 17:35

In your position I would just offer to pay for a bunk bed for the room. You might not like the principle, but your daughter's comfort is the priority

You really do get the dregs of manhood featured in threads on this site!

Edit - sorry, didn't realise this was old

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