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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this potential situation with DC’s dad is as terrible as I think it will be?

37 replies

sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 17:44

dc’s dad (my ex) has seen dc every weekend since he was born. He’s now 2 and 7 months. He’s told me today that he’s had to accept a job that is a 5 hour drive away and 4.5 hour train journey. The reasons for this are related to the sort of work he can do, though I do suspect he is choosing the best job in terms of what suits him and his career prospects, rather than taking a similar paid job closer… but obviously I don’t know for sure and can’t force him to stay closer.

He’s not yet said how it will impact seeing ds other than he ‘clearly can’t do every weekend.’ He has never had ds in the week so that won’t change anyway, I’ve always been left to do all the work while working full time myself!

I am wary of rocking the boat too much as he does contribute financially and is highly paid. I don’t want to cause a huge row and while things between us are quite hostile (I won’t go into that!), we have managed to be civil for ds. I also think if we are in better terms he may help with a fortnightly cleaner or something as I am obviously going to find it hard keeping on top of the house while working full time and not getting a moment from one week to the next.

Basically.. I’m just worried about how this will impact ds? Will he even have a good relationship with his dad if he barely sees him? I don’t even want to ask how often he’s planning on seeing him as I feel like I will get upset and angry he could move that far in the first place. He has said it’s an awful position he is in but he has to take the job. I don’t know if he will plan every other weekend, is that reasonable to expect?

Anyone have any experience? Am I worrying too much?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/06/2024 17:49

Why don't you speak to your ex and see what he thinks about the situation. I can understand it is very stressful for you and you may find it hard to talk but at least you will know what he is thinking.

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 17:50

@Italiangreyhound i have a bit. He is vague.

I already thought weekly was a bit shit for ds and now it’s going to be less than that

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 01/06/2024 17:58

He's basically abandoning his son, there must surely be jobs nearer than that. Is he moving with anyone? Every other weekend may work possibly, but it's a lot of travelling for a young child. I suspect they won't be particularly close as contact will be difficult and tiring and the relationship will dwindle somewhat. It sounds like it will be really emotionally draining for everyone. That would be sad, though hopefully I'm wrong. At least your ds has you and you will be there for him.

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:00

@WaitingfortheTardis i didn’t want to be outing but it is feasible that this job is very good for his career. I do think there could be a compromise but also in the past hes had difficulty finding something in his speciality. He would travel to ds still, ds wouldn’t go to him and have to travel

OP posts:
LordSnot · 01/06/2024 18:03

What a sorry excuse for a father. Just ensure you're getting as much maintenance as you can because the only way this loser will contribute to his son's life is financially.

MsLuxLisbon · 01/06/2024 18:05

What a pathetic man. I would feel like reading him the riot act, although I can appreciate that you don't want to do that. I have no advice but YADNBU for thinking it's a bit much for him to just bugger off. At the very least he should be paying for household help for you, a cleaner and possibly a nanny as well. What about your career?

WaitingfortheTardis · 01/06/2024 18:09

How is he going to see him for the weekend if only he travels? Does he plan on staying somewhere overnight? 10 hours travel every other weekend when working full time is going to be tough, though if he is really dedicated he may do it. However good the opportunity seems, it is rather difficult to imagine choosing a job over a child.

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:10

@LordSnot @MsLuxLisbon

your posts are getting me riled up 🤦‍♀️I know it’s shitty. I have a really hard job too so I do feel it’s all on me. He does pay a chunk towards ds though and so far I have paid on average around 150 a month on ds from my own income (including full time nursery). obviously the money is a massive help but doesn’t take away from the fact it’s all on me. Overall though my main concern is ds, I don’t want him to feel abandoned and I’m really struggling with it all as they have a good bond when together.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:12

WaitingfortheTardis · 01/06/2024 18:09

How is he going to see him for the weekend if only he travels? Does he plan on staying somewhere overnight? 10 hours travel every other weekend when working full time is going to be tough, though if he is really dedicated he may do it. However good the opportunity seems, it is rather difficult to imagine choosing a job over a child.

@WaitingfortheTardis yes he would stay over at a local premier inn. Money isn’t a massive issue to him. He would have to leave at 5am Saturday and leave 7pm Sunday to have a proper weekend with ds. I don’t know if he would do it every other weekend

OP posts:
SilentSilhouette · 01/06/2024 18:12

The fact you said "he's HAD to accept a job" implies that if he doesn't accept it then the alternative is perhaps unemployment?

If he's seen his son every weekend since he was born, then this certainly wasn't an easy decision for him. A better paid job will mean more financial support, so no doubt you can then employ a cleaner.

Perhaps he can see him every other weekend? Obviously the journey is way too much for a 2 year old so he'd have to travel to you then stay locally somewhere.

You could also arrange video calls on the other weekend?

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:15

SilentSilhouette · 01/06/2024 18:12

The fact you said "he's HAD to accept a job" implies that if he doesn't accept it then the alternative is perhaps unemployment?

If he's seen his son every weekend since he was born, then this certainly wasn't an easy decision for him. A better paid job will mean more financial support, so no doubt you can then employ a cleaner.

Perhaps he can see him every other weekend? Obviously the journey is way too much for a 2 year old so he'd have to travel to you then stay locally somewhere.

You could also arrange video calls on the other weekend?

@SilentSilhouette it wouldn’t be unemployment but could mean a slight deviation in his career which he doesn’t want to do as he is very specialised. The money would be the same wherever so that’s not a factor. He has said it’s a hard decision.

He has said he would stay in a premier inn or travel lodge, they are cheap in advance

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 01/06/2024 18:18

sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:10

@LordSnot @MsLuxLisbon

your posts are getting me riled up 🤦‍♀️I know it’s shitty. I have a really hard job too so I do feel it’s all on me. He does pay a chunk towards ds though and so far I have paid on average around 150 a month on ds from my own income (including full time nursery). obviously the money is a massive help but doesn’t take away from the fact it’s all on me. Overall though my main concern is ds, I don’t want him to feel abandoned and I’m really struggling with it all as they have a good bond when together.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, but I am quite angry on your behalf and on your son's. Does your ex have form for selfishness and thinking only his work counts?

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:19

MsLuxLisbon · 01/06/2024 18:18

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, but I am quite angry on your behalf and on your son's. Does your ex have form for selfishness and thinking only his work counts?

Show quote history

@MsLuxLisbon yes very very much so. It’s always been his priority. I thought he would never go so far from ds though. I know if the same job came up more locally he would take it but he clearly has no concern being so far away.

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 01/06/2024 18:19

I'm upset for you and your son. A slight deviation hardly sounds like the end of the world, especially when this is the alternative.

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:21

@WaitingfortheTardis i know. I don’t know how angry I should be? I don’t want to rock the boat as he could just stop paying for extra things. obviously money isn’t the main thing but it’s a huge help when you’re always alone with a child

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 01/06/2024 18:23

Ugh, I have no suggestions, only sympathy. You are well rid of him but I'm sorry for you and your son. What a selfish man.

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 18:24

@MsLuxLisbon i don’t know if I should try and stop him… I don’t think it would have any effect but I could try. He gets angry if I say he’s abandoning ds etc so it becomes very hostile very fast.

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 01/06/2024 18:24

I can completely understand that. There's not much you can do is there, it is his choice. I think you just need ex to be clear so you can prepare your son and be ready to be there for him. Big changes often lead to a bit of playing up with children, but with the right support he will be fine. He'll just learn that you are the one that's there for him.

Oconomowa · 01/06/2024 18:27

I’m not sure you can really know how it will be. My friend lives 5 hours from his kids and visits them every other weekend - he negotiated different hours from work so drives down on a Friday afternoon, picks them up from school, has them in a hotel all weekend and then leaves Sunday late afternoon. He also speaks to them minimum twice a week on FaceTime. So it’s not ideal - and he would see them more if local - but it’s not terrible. If your ex really wants to preserve the relationship then he can (and ultimately if he doesn’t then you can’t make him!)

It sounds like your ex is being vague, it may be hard for him to fully predict how it will work when he moves, so you’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.

SeulementUneFois · 01/06/2024 18:28

I think this may be over exaggerated.
Lots of mothers all over the world move countries, even continents, for better jobs, and leave their children with family for years. These include women one wouldn't think to look down on morally - such as nurses from the Philippines.

DoreenonTill8 · 01/06/2024 18:29

so far I have paid on average around 150 a month on ds from my own income (including full time nursery).
Only £150 a month from you towards your child? Do you think you shouldn't have to pay anything?

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 01/06/2024 18:29

I think you should be incandescent
Imagine if you took a job 5 hours away and just told your DC's dad he could look after DC now. Imagine if said you'd come back less than once per week. Imagine if you said "So sad, too bad, but here's some money for a cleaner, byeeee!". Imagine how wildly angry he'd be - you be that angry.

Thursdaygirl · 01/06/2024 18:30

Would EOW be the end of the world, OP? And surely if your ex has DS less, you will get more maintenance? I’m not sure if you have grounds to claim for a cleaner though, although this could be funded from the increase in maintenance payments?

Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 19:02

DoreenonTill8 · 01/06/2024 18:29

so far I have paid on average around 150 a month on ds from my own income (including full time nursery).
Only £150 a month from you towards your child? Do you think you shouldn't have to pay anything?

@DoreenonTill8 no I don’t think that. But his contribution covers most things.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmummaa · 01/06/2024 19:03

Thursdaygirl · 01/06/2024 18:30

Would EOW be the end of the world, OP? And surely if your ex has DS less, you will get more maintenance? I’m not sure if you have grounds to claim for a cleaner though, although this could be funded from the increase in maintenance payments?

@Thursdaygirl i guess every other weekend would be ok? I don’t know. That’s if he even committed to that.

OP posts:
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