To ask if this potential situation with DC’s dad is as terrible as I think it will be?

[sadmummaa]

dc’s dad (my ex) has seen dc every weekend since he was born. He’s now 2 and 7 months. He’s told me today that he’s had to accept a job that is a 5 hour drive away and 4.5 hour train journey. The reasons for this are related to the sort of work he can do, though I do suspect he is choosing the best job in terms of what suits him and his career prospects, rather than taking a similar paid job closer… but obviously I don’t know for sure and can’t force him to stay closer.

He’s not yet said how it will impact seeing ds other than he ‘clearly can’t do every weekend.’ He has never had ds in the week so that won’t change anyway, I’ve always been left to do all the work while working full time myself!

I am wary of rocking the boat too much as he does contribute financially and is highly paid. I don’t want to cause a huge row and while things between us are quite hostile (I won’t go into that!), we have managed to be civil for ds. I also think if we are in better terms he may help with a fortnightly cleaner or something as I am obviously going to find it hard keeping on top of the house while working full time and not getting a moment from one week to the next.

Basically.. I’m just worried about how this will impact ds? Will he even have a good relationship with his dad if he barely sees him? I don’t even want to ask how often he’s planning on seeing him as I feel like I will get upset and angry he could move that far in the first place. He has said it’s an awful position he is in but he has to take the job. I don’t know if he will plan every other weekend, is that reasonable to expect?

Anyone have any experience? Am I worrying too much?

OP, I have a very good bond with my dad who I only saw in school holidays due to distance. We also talked on the phone every week. Please do try to keep the relationship going. It's very possible if you are both committed to it. Hopefully this will be temporary with your ex.

I would approach it with him as how can we keep the relationship going and work out Facetime times and weekends and visits when possible. It's not impossible. We don't feel army parents or others who work away have abandoned their children, so don't approach it from that.

What a stupid question.
what value would you put on all the hours the OP spends with her child?

Very selfish of him to move so far away, but I think he'd still be able to maintain a relationship with your child IF he puts the effort in. Every other weekend or at least one in three, plus video calls/phone calls at least a couple of times a week. It's frustrating and extremely hard for you if everything is on you - but it sounds like the practicalities already are anyway. It sounds like you just want what's best for you child and if that includes keeping things as amicable as possible so that you're more comfortable financially, so be it. It shouldn't have to be that way at all, but I guess we all try to muddle along as best we can really. Hope all goes ok.

I'm not sure I would get so upset without finding out what his plans are. I personally can't see why you wouldn't want something like every other weekend, as presumably if you work full time you currently get zero days a week to have fun together?

Would two weekends each a month work well?

I mean I think there is no excuse, what would you do if you had to travel 4/5 hours to see your child? I would still do that every weekend. I know a dad that flys to Spain every weekend to see his children. Dads don't seem to care like the mums do generally. My ex lives literally round the corner and can only muster seeing the kids every other weekend for an afternoon not even a whole day!

I would message him and ask in a non-confrontational manner how often he’s planning on seeing DC so you can plan other support such as a cleaner or baby sitter as you’ll have less child free time. Maybe saying you understand he’s going to miss being with his child and you’re more than happy to facilitate video calls on the weekend’s he’s not with DC so he still gets to see him in some way.

There are jobs meaning you have to work away for weeks or months on end I'm not sure that it's the end of the world....what's the current plan for when your child starts school to only see him after school and some holidays because every weekend's dad's? Lots of people alternate the weekends to get around this.

OP, is there a reason why your ex currently has his son every weekend? Surely this means you never get any quality leisure time with your child and your ex never gets any weekend time to himself?

@Everydayimhuffling thank you so much

Being realistic, you can't stop him going. You need to have a calm conversation with him about how and when he is going to see his son. Every other weekend isn't ideal but at least it's regular and you can plan your free time then also. Going in all guns blazing accussing him of abandoning his son isn't really going to help, he'll go on the defensive which is natural when we feel attacked. Tell him how important he is in his son's life and that you want them to still have a close relationship.

My ex has lived around 4 hours drive away since our twins were a year old.
He sees them - on average - every 4/5 weeks for a night or 2.
Now that they're older - 6 - they sometimes spend a bit longer with him.
He's a poor excuse for a Father, but both girls love him and enjoy time with him.
It's tough on Twin 2, as she absolutely dotes on/misses him, whereas Twin 1 is more 'out of sight, out of mind'.

you cannot force him to have a relationship, at the end of the day if he doesn't want to make the effort to see his son regularly, that's his loss.

your son will be able to facetime with his Dad in between visits which is brilliant especially as your son is so young.

its not your job to force their relationship, try not to be too angry