To feel bad cms has put ex into poverty when I’m comfortable!

[Dramakwe33n]

Long story short. Have 2 DC’s 6 and 7. Broke up over 2 years ago due to years of emotional and financial abuse.

since then it has been thing after thing, inconsistent visits, lies, nasty behaviour, concerns with the state of his house and parenting and even a social services call from a more recent ex of his on him.

So, he has refused to pay any kind of child maintenance for the children and would refuse to even go halves on school shoes etc since the moment we broke up. I finally made a referral through cms after a year which led to wracking up debts when he had the option to pay of 2k. Since that point I changed over to the system where he has to pay straight out of his wages, which ontop of backdated pay is £300 and some change per month and he is working a slightly over minimum wage job.

contact has tapered down to a visit here and there of a couple of hours, due to his financial situation and ‘depression’ which I was pleased with as I did not feel that they were safe the entire weekend as it was unclean and the kids had told me that he would sleep until we’ll after midday and I have never declined visitation even though the kids find it actually rather distressing as he is all woe is me when he drops them off and especially for my eldest who is extremely emotional finds it difficult.

so he is now pleading poverty with me saying he doesn’t have enough money to live on, he can pay rent but cannot pay for anything else and is going through legal things to do with me???? whereas I am quite comfortable.. I work full time and the money that I recieve goes on days out and savings and recently he had gone on SSP due to his mental health and I notified him he had to let CMS know so that they could alter it and he just hasn’t so the full amount is still coming out. I have spent years being abused by this man but I still feel guilty that I am reaping the benefits whilst he is not AIBU?

Well, if he notifies them that his income is reduced, he will be allowed to pay less. If he can’t be bothered to tell them, it’s not really your problem. 🤷‍♀️

Ultimately he needs to be responsible and pay towards his children and that’s the priority. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I have sympathy for his mental health he needs to be proactive about helping himself and job hunting for better paid employment.

Whether or not he is comfortable is no longer anything to do with you.

Let him get on with it and stop engaging with him and his woe is me.

Remember this man lies and manipulates you.

Is he lying about his income now being SSP?

This is his problem, let him sink or swim you aren't his mother.

If he had paid when he waseant to he wouldn't have a large amount of arrears to pay off so he has nobody to blame but himself. I doubt he was feeling guilty when he was refusing to make any contribution to his kids

I know this is the case and it’s nice to hear. 2 years on after 7 years of exactly this kind of abuse it almost feels like Stockholm syndrome. He has always used the mental health card since the moment I met him to avoid responsibility and I’m quite an empathetic person (usually to my own detriment) so it suckered me in.

His situation is NOTHING to do with you.
CMS is for your children.
Do not allow him to guilt you.
Block him and give him an email address for contact only.

Do an excel spread and work out roughly how much you spend on both children throughout the month. I’m betting it’s going to be more than £300. He needs to pay for his own kids. He fell into arrears because he avoided it. He can’t not expect repercussions for his actions. That’s on him, not you.

Man child using mental health as an excuse. Let him wallow it’s his choice

Yes, the very first thought you need to have is that he has trained you to feel sorry, beholden to him.

His kids have every right to expect him to help support them. Remember that too... it ain't money he owes you anymore, it's food and clothing for his kids.

Best of luck getting the situation straight in your own mind

It would be so much easier if he just dissapeared entirely. I won’t hear anything for a few weeks at a time and then will pop up claiming he has missed our kids so much. I even went so far to ask if he’d take our kids on a picnic a few weeks ago and provided food as our eldest was struggling with feeling abandoned but he has convinced everyone in his life that I am this nasty vindictive person. I find if so upsetting being accused from all angles. I don’t interact but haven’t blocked anyone as it would add fuel to the fire.

I'm surprised you believe him.

They will say anything but like a lot of people have already said he's only in this mess as he chose to be.

It's not your problem at all.

My ex has said a lot about me. None of it true.

You have to accept that the people who love and support you know the truth. You know the truth and anyone who believes him is either not getting the full story or they are getting his version.

It doesn't matter. You know the truth.

Let him say what he wants.

Look at it another way, would you have not supported your kids or not seen them. No you wouldn't so let him rabbit on with his lies it will catch up with him.

Don’t believe a word he says. Remember how he treated you - he has not changed.

I don’t think mental health issues are always excuses not to do things…🙄

Come on OP you know what this bloke is like. Don't believe a word he says. Enjoy it until he quits his job

He doesn’t really see the children, I’m not sure you have much to lose here. ‘I know how you feel, my mental health used to be terrible <cough, when I lived with you>. Positive thinking and focussing on the children <cough, actually it the fix was just divorcing you> really helped me.’
dont change the cms. Put it away for the kids if you don’t need it- they’ll never have a dad they can count on, let them have this.

My bet is that his wages haven't gone down and he knows that if he tries to to tell the CMS this, then they'll know he's lying and his payments won't go down.

You've already said he lies and has manipulated you in the past - chances are he's doing it again and he's pulling on your heart strings.

So what you're comfortable? He wasn't fussed when making you pay for everything, would he pay you more of roles were reversed, of course not. Don't fall for his manipulation bullshit

Get on with your life and don’t give him a second thought. If he can’t keep regular contact he wouldn’t be seeing the children. My ex was similar and there was no way the children were going to be spending time in a filthy house with a father who used them as his counsellors. He was told to take me to court to see the children, I’m still waiting 18 years later. He limped back on the odd occasion and was told to get a solicitor or represent himself, I wasn’t having the children subjected to his woe is me shite. He paid me via the CSA via a deductions of earnings order in the end and like your ex he was in thousands of pounds of debt. It wasn’t my problem, he wasn’t my problem he made his pathetic bed so I let him lie in it and wallow. My mental health was in tatters at times because of the useless prick and what he told people to deflect from the pathetic excuse for a father he really was but no way was I going to be beaten down because of him. Hold your head up OP, live your life, bring your children up and ignore absolutely anything he says unless it’s regarding court directed contact. He’ll soon get the message.

@Dramakwe33n

His finances are not your circus, even though the children are your 'little monkeys'.

I wouldn't go NC with him completely since you do want the door open for him to see the DC, as long as his erratic pattern isn't unsettling them. And as long as he DOES see them when he says he's going tor and they aren't being constantly disappointed by his 'no shows'.

I do think you need to control his communications more 'tightly'. If he's communicating by text or phone with his 'poor me' shit, block him. Set up an email for him to use and send it to him telling him that this will be the only way to communicate from now on, unless he has the DC in his care. Emails are 'easier' because, unlike text/phone, they aren't 'in your face' demanding immediate answers. With emails you can let them sit for a few hours (or days) until you've steeled yourself for whatever they contain. Or you have someone else read them first and give you the important details without the rhetoric.

As far as what he says about you, who cares? The dog barks but the caravan passes on. The people who know, love, and value you won't believe him and the others who do aren't worth your time.

If you feel bad you clearly care for him and should help him. If you don’t feel bad you shouldn’t.

You know your situation not some miserable women on the internet

You feel badly about this because you are a compassionate, empathetic and caring human being. And he has spent years taking advantage of that positive quality and continued to use your children as a way to financially abuse you even after the relationship ended.

This is now him reaping the consequences to his actions. He should have made payments when you split. He created this problem, not you.

I imagine that over the course of this relationship he gaslit you into taking responsibility for problems he created. This is him trying to do the same thing again instead of doing what every other adult does and standing on his own two feet and using the resources available to him. The fact he hasn't told cmp that he's out of work is making me wonder if it's even true or if he was trying to manipulate you. Absolutely nothing to feel badly for op. You might be comfortable but this is money for your children that they are entitled to. He owes them this money.